Office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-whoopee (the new SCREAM©)
***My allusion to being virtually certain of keeping my job in Memo #37 was actually another campaign ploy. I had decided long ago that one term would be enough but I needed to scare the republican governors into a panic when they met recently and roughed it in that posh Miami establishment. My ruse worked, as proven by their collective incoherence regarding whom they might choose as their next big-time loser chairing the RNC, thus total chaos in the Republican Party, already thoroughly trashed by my magnificent leadership since 2005. Any notion of fear concerning my job and a possible power-play by Rahm Emanuel, is without credence, since Chief Obama (thanks for the Native-American vote) knows who was right all along and who has won both the Congress in 2006 and the presidency in 2008. Also, Emanuel has never mailed me a dead fish and has insisted he will not do it again.
***President Obama, in looking over the newspapers and in a phone conversation with Dan Rather, has recognized that the current recession has built up to the current mess during the nearly two years that the democrats have ruled the Congress, including while both he and the vice president have been in the Senate (okay, once in a while). He's indicated, therefore, that he needs a red/yellow/black/white-paper (diversity as god) explaining that the fault lies with the republicans. He would like an emphasis on the Hoover administration in the 1920s-30s, if that fits and assuming anyone remembers it, but feels it imperative that the actual blame be placed on the Reagan years, when prosperity and self-confidence got out of hand, thus nullifying the normal gloom and doom that should be present in the United Sates at all times, especially as noted by the Europeans, who recognize evil/shame when they see it. Since neither the Senate nor the House provided oversight of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in 2007-08, the housing problem is not to be mentioned in the paper, no matter how apropos.
***President Obama in a conversation with a fifth-grader discovered contrary to his belief that Nancy Reagan did not have séances in the White House when she was first lady. He also discovered that former first lady Clinton was into séances, and this explains her recent conference with him, though the official leak was about the State Secretary job, which Governor Richardson is seeking, as well as Senator Kerry and lots of other people. The wag who suggested that this is mostly because of all the free trips around the world having meaningless conferences and eating exotic food makes the position attractive has been assigned to registering voters for 2010 in the Everglades, where two staffers disappeared without a trace last summer. Though President Obama has indicated no faith in séances, he has suggested – off the record, of course – that he might do well to channel Aaron Burr…just in case Ahmadinejad, when they meet without preconditions, should suggest a mano a mano settlement with respect to Iranian nuclear allowance. Beheading-swords rather than pistols are the weapons of choice in Iran, so I've suggested channeling al Zarqawi instead, al Qaeda's best butcher in Iraq until he was caught in the wrong house at the right time in 2006.
***The rumor that William Ayers will become the Secretary of Homeland Security and anti-terrorism czar has no basis in fact and all staffers are directed to make this known. The staffer who posted the notice It Takes One To Know One by the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue-state-map, and Bush-dart-board has been disciplined by having to listen to Ayers' statement "We didn't do enough" 576,000 times. He can be visited at Maryland Insane Asylum but only during the periods when he's in his straitjacket.
***Work is progressing by the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah (sic 'em with the HIV) Wright and Father Pfleger on the new definition of the "typical white person." Senator Leahy, acting as chairman of the Judiciary Committee, asked to participate in forming the definition but was turned down by the reverends because of his proclivity to leak to any media person who will treat him with respect, not that any are known (little joke there). Michael Moore has scrubbed his new movie project tentatively entitled "The Great Satan is Red and Caucasian" in favor of a newer movie tentatively entitled "Calypso Louie Discovers Messiah." The background music will be reggae and Harry Bellafonte will appear to sing the Fig-newton Boat Song.
***Applications are being taken now for those wishing to participate in President (remember to always use this title) Obama's transition team. Rumors that chief-of-staff Emanuel insists on arm-wrestling every applicant are untrue. (A word to the wise, however – be sure to lose, the rumor being taken seriously that those who win are turned over for reeducation to the ACORN enforcement arm, trained by Ayers, in Chicago). Two bodies found in Lake Michigan bore DNC tattoos and tongue-rings with the DNC emblem engraved thereon and another top staffer with a strong arm and weak mind woke up the other morning to find a horse's head in his bed.
***Your chairperson has taken no vacations since January 2005 and thus will take the rest of the year off…with pay. You will be working for a new chairperson early next year, whose first act will probably be to fire you, so be thinking of catching on with the staff of a new Congressperson. Suggestion: don't show up for an interview wearing a tank-top or mini-mini-skirt, the usual thing around here. Some of these new congresspersons are yahoos and don't know what's cool yet.
***You will note from the above (for recent college graduates) that I am adding a new SCREAM© to my repertoire as I prepare for the banquet and liberal-university speaker-circuit (megabucks galore). Instead of the "On to Wisconsin" motif, it will be a simple but hugely amplified WHOOPEE!!! It will be a sort of cross between a Tarzan yell and a diesel-locomotive-horn and is already copyrighted, so you may not use it without permission. I will introduce the new SCREAM© in a speech sponsored by the ACLU at Guantanamo. It will be billed as the "I Have a Scream II" speech but will be directed toward the ocean in order not to offend the prisoners unless the Greens nix this plan account of disturbing the whale mating-calls. Until we meet again – HAPPY HUNTING…but not with Cheney.