DNC Memorandum #36

From the office of Howard Dean, M.D.,chair-bailout (save Fannie Mae)

***Great success is being achieved in the current voter-registration drive, although time is running out for this vital activity. The DNC is being augmented in this effort by ACORN, the propaganda-and-protest outfit in Chicago that launched Senator Obama on his political career in Illinois. ACORN has submitted 200,000 registrations in Ohio that have been questioned but the secretary of state has been upheld by the Court regarding her refusal to examine them or make them public or something like that, not that it matters since enough registrations have been submitted elsewhere making thousands of homeless people eligible to vote to take up the slack. Please be advised that a street number must be part of the address when registering these people. The names of bridges or park benches may not be used, for example. Also, rehab-centers do not count, nor does the Salvation Army headquarters or any library. Registering people more than once is allowable only if by mistake, but mistakes are NOT – repeat – NOT punishable by law even if the mistakes are multiple. Also, the staffer who mentioned that a registrar must feel of the registrant’s forehead to determine whether living-or-dead has been transferred to West Virginia, where residents are known to train pit-bulls to answer the doorbell.

***In light of the bailout legislation (or rescue or whatever else it’s called), be careful about bringing up the subject of home ownership, which has been promised by all the democrats to all people whether afforded by applicants or not. Do NOT – repeat – DO NOT use the phrase used by Senator Obama in Ohio the other day, to wit, that "spreading around the wealth is a good idea," or something like that. Even "Joe the Plumber," whether a plant or not by either campaign and not to disparage that noble profession, called that socialism and, whether that's what Senator Obama wants or not, is anathema to the great uneducated public that connects socialism with something bad. The senator had been warned by this office not to use the phrase "redistribute the wealth" so he used the term "spread around." Either term is unacceptable, except to the freeloaders, notwithstanding that the freeloaders should be registered the same as everyone else, twice or thrice if possible (little joke there, for ACORN). The senator has said that he was misunderstood and actually said "spreading around the debt is a good idea." That also sounds too republican so don't use it. In any case, the senator has said he didn't do it and will not do it again, whatever he means.

***A new line is to be taken on the "Bill Ayers matter." Whereas the line before has been that Senator Obama hardly knows this man, who did bad things when the senator was only eight years old, since he lived in Hawaii at the time (or maybe Indonesia – doesn't matter) and couldn't possibly have met him then or even know about the bombings since he didn't read anything but Dick & Jane and never watched the Evening News. Since it's now common knowledge that in a party in his own living-room Ayers launched Obama into the Illinois legislature and helped fund his campaign, the line now is that Ayers and the senator simply wanted to show the value of diversity, multiculturalism, non-discrimination and tolerance. Explosives were never discussed at that party, which was also hosted by ACORN. Also stress that the senator had never heard of the Weather Underground at the time he met Ayers and that he still had never heard of that organization until some time in 2007, about the time he heard for the first time, on that subversive Fox News agency and by a TV-surfing accident since he made it a practice to never watch Fox, that the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright had called on God to damn this country and that his friend Tony Rezko was being investigated.

***Father Michael Pfleger has agreed to do his "Hillary Was Entitled" performance at any fund-raising event in which the donor promises $1,000. He will appear just as he did in the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright's church, complete with sound effects (whooping, hollering, floor-stomping, clapping sound-track with bongo accompaniment) and will autograph anything within reason. He has agreed to do the same bump-and-grind choreography that he used in the church, including clutching his head as if in distress. Discussions are ongoing with the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright regarding the possibility of his appearing at fund-raisers to repeat his "damning act," as well as his National Press Club appearance and some other interesting sermons concerning one damnation or another, but he justifiably is demanding a percentage of the contributions as reparations, so the arrangements remain tentative. These are to be private affairs, obviously, so be governed accordingly. The rumor that I will attend and repeat the DEAN SCREAM© is untrue, but Michael Moore has agreed to show his latest film, Alaskan Amazon Amok, featuring an evil female governor bashing baby seals in the head, drilling for oil through grizzly-bear hibernation caves, frog-gigging and rabbit-hunting with a 5,000-watt spotlight, and seeding catfish ponds with bales of hay while secretly signing away the Aleutian mineral- and oil-rights to Hugo Chavez.

***Disregard the conservative talking-heads' claims on their frenetic radio programs and/or TV extravaganzas with all those pretty girls (plenty of cleavage showing) screaming at each other that the race is tightening. Senator Obama is stretching his lead. Be careful not to mention his insistence that illegal immigrants be awarded driver-licenses or that Hamas is pulling for him and accepting contributions from their terrorist-members (at knife-point, of course – little joke there) in his behalf. Thirteen of the 9/11 bombers had driver-licenses and eight had even registered to vote, so this subject does not play well except on the coasts and in Vermont, the areas sophisticated enough to appreciate the senator's position. As explained by the senator, the great unwashed, especially those in Pennsylvania and south of the Mason-Dixon line, have the quirky notion that rifles, Bibles, and immigrant-hunting go together, so anyone having an accent – real or imagined – is not to canvass in those areas. This includes everyone from New England and New York City. If cornered by a redneck(s) anywhere, immediately start reciting the Lord's Prayer, the 23rd Psalm or sing any hymn made famous by Elvis Presley. In the event that none of that works, be sure to have a proper will in the proper place and remember that the DNC does not carry medical insurance on anyone, despite Senator Obama's promise that such will be the case when he's elected.