DNC Memorandum #35

From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-whiz (Save Education!)

***This is another two-memo month, since things are moving fast now in the run-up to the Election November 4 (for recent graduates with majors in revised history) and many mistaken pollsters are giving Senator McCain a chance. The DNC main propaganda arm, NBC/MSNBC, is running an ad featuring McCain with his head in stitches and some doctors prophesying that he may not make it past the second day in office if elected, since his current cancer-free circumstance is due to change at any moment. As the nation's best-known physician, I've been accused of fostering that ad, but as the nation's most qualified politician I've denied any connection. In any case, I'll not foster it again, perhaps on CBS, though another ad critical of McCain is in the works condemning him for not doing e-mail or even being able to raise his arms to a key-board position. Any staffer knowing of any other McCain disabilities is urged to e-mail that info to me so that I can refine it into an Armageddon event. Even a slight head-cold is an acceptable subject, since head-colds have been known to cause dementia account of nasal discharges draining in the wrong direction. The wag who claimed that Senator "Leaky" Leahy is an example of such has been assigned to the Galveston area for canvassing (and dodging snakes).

***The effort to make Governor Palin a totally unqualified vice presidential candidate is not going well enough at present. The best proof is that neither Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, nor Katie Couric has yet reduced her to tears in an interview, and it's rumored that Walters may not even ask her if she'd like to be a tree in another life. The claim by the mainstream media that her daughter had Palin's six-month-old child has been blown since the daughter herself is pregnant by nearly that many months. A check with three democrat pediatricians indicated this impossibility, though the vote was two-to-one and one of the others flipped a coin. The National Organization of Women is planning an ad attacking Palin for not aborting the Downs-Syndrome child (or all of her other children, for that matter), since being so handicapped or living in Alaska, they claim, is too hard on a child, what with all those dangerous sled-dogs around. Neither Oprah nor the girls on The View want her to appear on their programs for the obvious reason – she's kinda pretty, at least for a politician, and will usurp all the attention.

***Senator Obama is still not pleased with the papers submitted concerning what a "typical Pentecostal" is, so that he can properly grab that vote away from Palin. Having finally decided what a "typical white person is," he also has not been able to properly identify the "typical Muslim." I've heard snickering around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, and endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart about calling them both "fundamentalists" and letting it go with that. Do not – repeat – DO NOT contrive such a falsehood for the obvious reason that Muslim fundamentalists do evangelism by beheading people, while Pentecostals do evangelism by their harmless preaching. Also, there have been no takers thus far in the appeal earlier for someone to write another Obama autobiography, although one of his Kenyan relatives has offered to sell vital information.

***As the result of a tip by democrat-operative Dan Rather, who – for a price – has promised to reveal incontrovertible evidence that Palin has offered, if elected, to work to sell part of the Aleutians back to the Russians in exchange for campaign funds, the effort is being made to strike a deal with the former CBS anchor. George Soros of MoveOn.org has enough PAC money to strike the deal with Rather, but is holding out for the rights to all the minerals found in the islands. Rather claims that he can produce an e-mail sent from an Alaska Air Guard Web address – with a copy to Palin – negotiating a price. Even though the price in 1867 was just two cents per acre, Rather has hinted that Putin has offered all of Chechnya, with three gulags thrown in. In any case, the subterfuge would automatically eliminate McCain/Palin.

***As announced previously, Michael Moore was planning a new movie – actually a quickie quasi-documentary – tentatively entitled Alaskan Amazon Amok and featuring an evil female governor bashing baby seals in the head, drilling for oil through grizzly-bear hibernation caves, frog-gigging and rabbit-hunting with a 5,000-watt spotlight, and seeding catfish ponds with bales of hay but has been dissuaded by the NRA (death threats allegedly involved) and has shifted his focus to a musical tentatively titled The Pain in McCain is Mainly in His Reign. It will feature an old curmudgeon with stitches holding his forehead to his out-sized jaws invading countries chosen by pinning a tail on a donkey…or, in this case, a world map. The rumor that Obama tried this method and chose Mississippi is untrue. The senator has said he never thought Mississippi wasn't a state and won't think it again.

***Some of Senator Obama's friends in Hollywood, besides giving millions, are working on an ad portraying the senator riding up the Capitol steps on a white horse (a la Andrew Jackson, a former president, for recent doctoral grads) named "Bailout Babe" and rescuing a beautiful woman named "Fanny Freddie" from evil Wall Street types, lobbyists, bureaucrats, lazy regulators, honest legislators (all three of them), and a desperado, "Panicky Paulson," whose horse, "Perdition Pegasus," has been shot with enough steroids called "Collectors' Calumnies" to carry him to Andrews Air Base, where he'll meet with Cowboy and Bird-shooter and try to ride off into the sunset. All three major TV-networks have signed-on to carry it, but Barbra Streisand is holding up production until she decides on a color for "Perdition Pegasus." Red and yellow, black and white are out, since it's not supposed to be precious in God's sight.

***Everyone is urged to put in 18-hour days until Nov. 4. This is from Memorandum #1 of February 2005 and still applies: Since an effort must be made in the South to gain support, the effort must be made to understand NASCAR, church revivals, and at least a passing knowledge of the names of Confederate Civil War generals. Be sure to accuse Sherman and U.S. Grant of perfidy, but only in the South. Do this with care because there is a handful of media types who might leak this in the North, although most of them wouldn't know Confederate generals from the Notre Dame backfield of 1939. Cultivate a taste for grits and hominy, and DO NOT grimace when eating these foods. While they may appear as poisonous to the palate, Chairman/Doctor Dean assures that they will not harm and may even aid and abet the workings of the alimentary canal. If this should overly happen, be sure to have on hand at all times a bottle of Pepto-Bismol or Imodium. If you should actually like these foods, you may need to be reeducated at an indoctrination facility soon to be established, since you may be more red than blue.