DNC Memorandum #33

DNC Headquarters; Dr. Howard Dean, chair-penguin (Save a Glacier Today)

***The white-papers, also called black- and somewhere-in-between-papers (to observe diversity, the ruling ethic currently) that have been returned with regard to Senator Obama's need for a definition of a "typical Muslim person" have been unsatisfactory, though the senator has expressed gratitude that the staff has defined the "typical white person," mainly along the lines of those who are never in fear of anybody anywhere, especially nearby, and never grasping or even (gasp – added for effect) reading the Bible, against all firearms, and having constant warm feelings for illegal immigrants, who should have all the welfare benefits available. The anonymous staffers who returned papers describing the "typical Muslim person" as anyone wearing a suspiciously large belt under either a coat or a burka will be fired if apprehended. Also, it should be noted that no responder made an effort to define roadside bombs as religious icons, like candles, for instance. This needs to be remedied for an obvious reason – the Islamic-fanatic vote.

***There has been snickering reported around the bottled-water tank and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger, non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced, snack-bar and body-mass-green-chart about Obama walking on the Elbe River in Berlin. The senator has said he did not say he did and will not say it again. Also, the report that Michael Moore hired those 200,000 Berliners to scream and throw underclothes at him (just the women, of course) is false and Moore has sworn he will not do that again…in Denver. Be aware of your dress at the convention. You may appear laid-back in sandals, no ties, and no cocktail dresses (that diversity thing again…the young people treated as king-makers), but cover all tattoos and remove all rings, especially those in noses, lips, tongues and other places that can be seen. Navel rings are okay, since navels are never to be seen. Along with a multiplicity of old hippies, there are still some old un-hip democrats (will they never leave us?) who take a dim view of "body art" and "body ring-racks" and have threatened to stay home in November if Obama appears too dippy.

***The rumor that Senator Obama has suggested that the Colorado legislature vote to ban smoking and dipping snuff and chewing Redman anywhere inside buildings or anywhere on the outside is untrue, but any staffer seeing him light up at any time is to report this to me. This includes in all areas, especially restrooms (but watch out for Senator Craig – little joke on the republicans there). Note: All staffers are required to never go near – much less eat in – a fast-food establishment, and pamphlets explaining how obesity causes carbon emissions and immediately kills penguins and snail darters and polar bears will be available for distribution throughout Denver. When you canvass neighborhoods, pass out these pamphlets and do not -- REPEAT -- do NOT laugh in the process. Also, condensed copies of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth will be available, though at that time and altitude it may seem incongruous, especially since this summer has been cooler than last summer and nothing like the torrid summers of the 1930s, when Oklahoma got so hot and dry, most of it blew over to California.

***The suggestion has been taken under advisement with regard to handing out dollar bills at the convention and throughout Denver to prove that Senator Obama is not racist and does not want his picture on a dollar bill anyway, but just wants everyone to know he is "not one of them," as he has made clear. The rumor that he has said he would consider replacing Abraham Lincoln on the five-dollar bill is untrue and the senator has said he never said that and will not do so again. The wag who is reported to have said in the above location that Obama wouldn't dare touch the Twenty in fear that Andrew Jackson would come back from the grave and exorcise him personally has been reprimanded and assigned to the hottest part of Brownsville, Texas, for door-to-door canvassing through November.

***Senator Clinton and former president Clinton are actively working for Senator Obama by contacting all super-delegates in the interest of unity, which they consider attainable by a unanimous election of the nominee. The fact that Clinton (either one) is suggesting that the majority of voters is made up of women is not to be taken as a grab by Clinton of the nomination, as she has explained, and Bill has mentioned the same approach with regard to the fact that this demographic applies in the black community as well and added that a third term is allowed four years after a term in office. Hispanic democrats are advised not to take umbrage at this, since their guy, Bill Richardson, may be positioned for the veep spot, although success in Iraq has hurt his argument for withdrawal of all troops at midnight of the first day in office. Adulterer-in-chief John Edwards (little joke there) has suggested that the first executive order, instead, be structured to not only allow but practically beg homosexuals to join the military, in which former Senator Gravel said during the primaries that they excel, particularly since they learn to love their comrades through sharing foxholes.

***Accruing to the debate of Senators Obama and McCain at Saddleback Church the other night is the need for position papers to be used by Senator Obama (anyone calling him Obamessiah will be fired) on the subject of when life begins, the definition of a rich person, and the exact location of Georgia (not the state next to Alabama, for recent PhD grads – little joke there). Note: Comparing a fetus to an old codger in a coma has already been ruled out for obvious reasons. Both are helpless, but one is not in some forsaken womb instead of the graveyard, where he ought to be, but isn't, thus the need for the definition of life and what can and cannot be done with life, once the definition of same has been established…or something like that. After all, I'm just a doctor, not a philosopher.

***Michael Moore is preparing a new movie tentatively titled Saddleback Mountain featuring a racist interview of two presidential candidates, with one whipping out a copy of the Constitution and beating the other half-to-death with it. Little imagination is needed to see that this approaches an actual documentary, and may be called such as soon as it is vetted by the group called AGHAST, which stands for Agency Googling Hospices and All Sites for Torture. The movie will also include water-boarding and the need for better brain-puncturing procedures used in late-term abortions, the latter subject requested by Senator Obama and Dr. Me, since brain-puncturing violates the Hippocratic Oath…or something like that.

***Finally, the rumor that the Clintons will use a smoke-bomb during voting at the convention in Denver is untrue, and both have said they will not mention this again. Also, there will be no possible opportunity for hanging chads, since the delegation from Florida will not be allowed to vote. If this changes, there will be a roll call of individual delegates, and one Supreme Court judge has promised to be in attendance.