DNC Headquarters, Howard Dean, chair-bear (Save the North Pole!)
***This extra memorandum for the month is made necessary by the momentous happenings connected with Senator Obama's current trip to the Middle East and Olde Europe. The entries solicited in previous memos with regard to defining what a "typical white person is" have been – at least for the most part – well-done. Senator Obama has been pleased and has expressed his appreciation for the input and is close to deciding the proper definition. He has determined an important element at this point, to wit, that a "typical white person" is probably white, and has requested (okay…demanded) that no more references be made to former president Clinton as the first black president, the reason being obvious and notwithstanding what writer Toni Morrison, who thought up that obvious insult, thinks. This leads into a new project, namely, discovering for Obama what a "typical Muslim person" is. Even though his early years were spent as a Muslim – or perhaps because of it – he needs (and soon, like today) an acceptable definition, preferably one that will also explain the use of roadside bombs as a religious practice. This would not be necessary except that an ill-informed reporter from NBC, one-third of the DNC's TV-propaganda arm, asked that question at a news conference in Baghdad, thus causing a silence of one minute before the senator managed thirteen uh's and something about taking the question under advisement. The reporter said he didn't do it and certainly won't do it again. He has been warned and was hustled out of the country before the Iraqi police got to him.
***There has been snickering around the bottled-water tank and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger, non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced, snack-bar/body-mass-green-chart about the remarks made by Jesse Jackson recently about a surgical procedure and the use of the n-word. The horse-racing experts have informed the DNC that geldings are more manageable than stallions, and so the official word is that Jackson simply wanted a more flexible – and therefore more attractively diversity-sensitive – candidate, thus the castration remark, which had nothing to do with the senator's manhood. In any case, Jackson has apologized for any offense to anyone and has stated that the Fox News tape on which the n-word seemed to appear was blurry and that Jackson had actually said "bigger," not the n-word and will not say it again, whatever he said.
***Questions have been raised as to why Senator Obama demanded that no one, including the news-anchors of NBC, CBS, and ABC, wear green on his unprecedented campaign effort in the Middle East and Olde Europe. Incidentally, the wag who mentioned that he was there because he was afraid Arabs and Europeans were like Floridians and might cause millions of hanging chads, thus causing the election to be thrown into the Supreme Court, has been thoroughly disciplined, to wit, sent to Senator Durbin's office to handle the hate-mail that keeps coming there because he compared U.S. GIs unfavorably with German storm-troopers, Pol Pot's assassins, and Stalin's Gulag-keepers. As for the green matter, the senator has explained that he forbade green since the uninitiated among the Muslims (just about all of them – little joke there) might think he's Irish (O'Bama – get it) and therefore Catholic or Protestant instead of whatever the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright said he is, which is at least Muslim-favorable, proven by the Rev. Dr. Wright's recent award to the Rev. Dr. Right Honorable Imam/Ayatollah (Calypso Louie) Louis Farrakhan. Incidentally, Farrakhan, who favors the democrats and has great influence, has sent word to this office that he has not said that the government has sabotaged the hurricane-threatened levees at Brownsville, Texas, like it did at New Orleans, and that he won't say it again. Staffers are warned to not mention the levee thing anywhere in the vicinity of levees and/or floods or reggae music.
***It is to be noted that Senator Obama in his Berlin speech did not refer to Sioux City, North Dakota, as his location, thus those who lost in the inter-office betting pool by gambling that he would are directed to pay-up. Also, those who bet that the senator would give the Germans, instead of Ronald Reagan, the credit for tearing down the wall may now collect on their winnings, since the senator said just that. Those who bet that Obama would mention the Cold War but not that 300,000 American GIs were stationed in Germany until about 1990 (only 64,000 now) to keep the Soviets at bay made successful wagers and may collect. Those who bet that Obama would not visit the wounded GIs at Rammstein Air Base Hospital as scheduled are also winners, since the senator didn't make it and explained it by saying that he was on a campaign trip and that such a visit would be pandering to the voters…or something like that. The senator badly needed a workout, too. Those of you who wagered that the senator would not play the race card are directed to pay off your IOUs, since this is what he said at the very beginning of his messianic Berlin speech: "I know that I don't look like the Americans who've previously spoken in this great city." Since all the other Americans were white, even you recent college graduates should get it (another little dig there). Those of you who guessed that he meant the difference to be that he wasn't wearing a uniform lost fairly and squarely. Note: Income taxes must be paid on all winnings, but losses can't be claimed.
***The DNC protest-organizing-section is hard at work. Volunteers are needed but will be required to remove all rings except those in the ear-lobes and cover all tattoos. Be advised that flashing and mooning will absolutely not be allowed, notwithstanding the Constitutional right of free speech. Low-riding pants/skirts/jeans/whatever will not be allowed since they represent flashing and/or mooning, and since the republicans claim they indicate where democrat brains are located within the anatomy.