DNC Memorandum #31

DNC Headquarters, Howard Dean, chair-bird (Save the Penguins!)

***The response elicited in the June memo with regard to Senator Obama's need to precisely define a "typical white person" has been gratifying. Many staffers have taken his pronouncements on the subject seriously and come up with good definitions, and in 25 words or less, as requested. This is important since it is well-known that the average citizen's attention span is roughly 10 seconds, according to the senator, thus necessitating no undue pressure on rather dense brains. This is a sample of the best, though it consists of 30 words: The typical white person – considers the multiple ethnicities/genetics comprising people and therefore calls him/herself black, feels safe anywhere, prays and reads the Bible daily, loves immigrants, is never bitter and does not clutch guns. There is still time for more responses since the debates will not occur soon and there's plenty of time to program the teleprompters.

***It has come to my attention that there have been some references (even snickering) around the bottled-water tank and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger, non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up) veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar to Senator Obama's need for a better name to challenge the Scotch-Irish name McCain, since no American president has had an essentially African name, while both Lincoln and Washington are definitely English in origin, close enough for comparison with McCain, while Andrew Jackson was definitely Scotch-Irish and democrat. The wag who suggested Robert Harry O'Bama will be disciplined, as will the wag who suggested the tag "Bear Ali Bama" for getting the southern football vote – practically all of the total southern vote – will be discharged, though he swears he didn't do it and won't do it again.

***The committee has a desperate need for a good mechanic, since Senator Obama and Senator Clinton plan a soon-to-be-announced tour of the southern states in a 1969 Ford pickup, the better to connect with the four-in-the-floor/demolition-derby crowd. He plans to paint the number "43" on the truck in order to connect with the redneck stock-car-racing fans, both groups collectively a huge part of the southern vote, and dip Redman in the local pickup (little pun there) basketball games while Senator Clinton has a tall one with the boys in the honky-tonks. Since 40-year-old pickups are susceptible to malfunctions and Clinton may do some driving, a mechanic is needed to keep the old heap running or put it back together if Clinton has one tall one too many and runs into a tree. There's nothing to the rumor that Clinton has tried to insure the heap for $15 million to pay off campaign debts and has already picked out a tree in Georgia, and she's noted that she won't try that again. The pickup will be named "Unity" and the truck-bed will always be filled with six-packs…and with Bill Clinton, at least in Arkansas.

***Everyone is reminded not to mention the price of gasoline under any circumstances…especially do not blame the Bush administration for the average nationwide price of $4.09 per gallon. When the democrats took over Congress in 2007, the price of a gallon was $2.30 and represented an increase since 9/11 of 35% over five and a half years. The increase while Congressperson Speaker Grandmother Pelosi and Senator Reid and our party have run the Congress is 78% in just a year and a half. Though Congress is responsible for the gas prices, this is the fault of the republicans, of course, but the public is too dumb to understand a perfectly reasonable explanation, so just stay away from the subject. In the meantime, tear down any signs that suggest drilling for oil anywhere in the world, since Al Gore has stated unequivocally that the penguins and polar bears will not appreciate it and may even boycott zoos. Unfortunately, the per diem allocation for staffers driving their own cars for business purposes is still pegged at 25 cents per mile, as it has been for two decades, and will not be increased. Everyone is urged to use bikes whenever possible and even to walk, though it is understood that this is cruel and unusual punishment.

***The new Michael Moore movie that has been tentatively entitled Obama and the Grandmammas is in a holding pattern at present, since the Kenyan government is demanding 75% of the royalties if Obama's grandmother is even mentioned. Consultations are being held with Senator Obama's cousin, Raila Odinga, who is also the Kenyan prime minister and has said he may rescind his demand for 5% of the gross if the senator will grant unlimited immigration to Kenyans when he is elected, provided the U.S. government pays him $1,000 for each immigrant's visa. Odinga also has promised not to kill any missionaries if the deal falls through.

***Congressman Kucinich has completed his resolution for the impeachment of President Bush and it has become a part of the Congressional record. Staffers are discouraged from pushing this project, not because Cheney (impeachment resolution last year) and Bush are innocent of just about everything, including water-boarding here and there, but because, unfortunately, democrats have done nothing for a year and a half and do not need to waste time on impeachment, especially since Congressman Jefferson's $90,000 among the frozen chicken in his freezer will be remarked, as well as the pictures of his taking cash in that garage. He's said he didn't take it and won't do it again…the cash, that is, not the chicken.