DNC Memorandum #30

From the headquarters of Howard Dean, M.D., chairperson

***First, a word of apology for being tardy in advancing the monthly memo. It has been hectic since March, with the contest between Senators Clinton and Obama and the contest between them and various news anchors taking up a great deal of time, not least because the odds-makers in Las Vegas have been rumored to be contacting all parties with an eye to a financial killing. The rumor that Senator Clinton made a deal with a certain casino-honcho to take a dive in the interest of getting back her $11 million big ones is not to be repeated, and the senator has promised not to make phone calls to Las Vegas again.

***Senator Obama, as mentioned in March, is still in the process of fashioning a white paper explaining exactly what a "typical white person" is. He has asked that judgment be reserved until he discovers what he meant and will appreciate any help, especially from white people, in determining what he was thinking (or if he was thinking – little joke there) at the time he coined this phrase, which will be used constantly between now and the convention, not to mention in November. Your suggestions had just about made up the senator's mind when he made the remark at that Hollywood fundraising bash about the white folks in Pennsylvania clasping their Bibles to their bosoms, chasing down immigrants, and cleaning their shotguns concerning the status of same. Since his first "typical white person" was his grandmother, one can see the problem now, especially since 84-year-old ladies are not usually considered to be conversant with buckshot and double-barrels. Any staffer of any ethnic background or location, including zoo-inmates (fairness for all), who considers him/her/itself to be a "typical white person" is urged to submit an essay as to why, preferably in 25 words or less.

***Michael Moore is working on a quickie documentary that might help with the above and is tentatively titled Obama & the Grandmamas. It's especially intended to counteract these silly verses that are being shown all over the Internet:

Obama says we need a CHANGE…
That's nothing new…no, nothing strange,
Each prexy year – that four-year range –
The politicians promise CHANGE.

Obama's CHANGE is new…oh yes…
Not even rates a second guess,
It's based on sweet togetherness
To cure old Dubya's dreadful mess.

Charisma is the O's M-O…
The college girls think he's the joe
To make the country jive…just so…
And shake this awful status quo.

Barack Hussein…yeah…Obama
Has said that his own grandmamma
Is typical for white mama,
Who fears the shade of Obama.

And O has said white types will gasp
At immigrants…their shotguns grasp,
And reading Psalms, with voices rasp
"Now catch those suckers…lock the hasp."

So…CHANGE is needed, said the O,
The typical has got to go,
Throughout the land the word must flow
That all must CHANGE…and be like O.

An investigation is underway to discover if, and, or when the McCain camp put out this drivel/doggerel, but as yet the only suspect is former president Clinton, since college girls are prominently mentioned and are often serving as interns in Washington.

***Now that the primaries are over, a large number of speechwriters have been dismissed from their duties. They've requested that anyone knowing of any possibilities for persons experienced in convincingly selling propaganda (the party/candidate doesn't matter – fairness, again) post possible employment notices on the heads-up board by the bottled-water and low-fat-noncarbohydrate-veggie-unsweetened-candy-bar machines. Especially needed are applicants experienced in structuring teleprompters designed for press conferences. Anyone interested must be a fast thinker and should contact the Obama campaign.

***It has come to my attention that the DEAN SCREAM 2004©Howard Dean is being used by unauthorized staffers. This can bring about a civil suit. It also has been known to cause a few cases of ruptured tonsils, herniated vocal cords, and twisted-tongue-syndrome. Be forewarned. The rumor that muezzins are using it in Detroit for the Islamic call-to-prayer, since it can be heard in Lansing when the wind is right, is untrue, and the muezzins have promised not to use it again.