DNC Memorandum #3

[Office of Chairman/Doctor Howard Dean]

* In previous memoranda, I have neglected to extend my appreciation to all those committee members who approved of my successful candidacy for the job of DNC chairman, definitely the most important post in the United States today. I have suggested to the proper agency in Vermont that a statue of me, recommended to be at least eight feet tall, be erected in front of the state capitol building and bear the inscription Howard Dean the Great Emancipator. On an accompanying bronze tablet in gold-tinged type will be a brief but concise account of how I single-handedly freed my party from the centrist-leaning party members and managed a détente between them and the far-out fringe headed by Ralph Nader, Jesse Jackson, and the hierarchies of the mainline denominations, especially those favoring men marrying men and women marrying women. For those who claim some sort of plagiarism with regard to the monument inscription as it might relate to Abraham Lincoln, I simply mention that I have checked out this matter with Senator Biden, the best-known expert on plagiarism in the Congress, and have been advised by his lawyers that there is no problem. In any case, the DNC chairmanship represents a level of achievement that puts Lincoln’s presidency in the shade. This is also the reason that the inscription will not bear the title GOVERNOR, since my time in that office was as nothing compared to the office I now hold.

* It has come to my attention that a number of congressional democrats sided with republicans in the recent effort to enjoin a federal judge to reexamine the Terry Schiavo matter. I have written them and expressed my displeasure, reminding them that the women in NOW carry a huge vote in this country and that NOW’s leaders see this unfortunate action as leverage by deceitful and opportunistic politicos, however unintentionally, to undermine Roe/Wade. However, these solons are to be commended for any attack of passion they may have experienced in this matter. Being a physician, I have sworn to make every effort to save life, but I understand that life is a relative term, especially depending upon how it affects the red-vs-blue state collective morality, otherwise defined simply as expediency. To paraphrase a former senator on the other side, “Pulling the plug is no vice in the defense of abortion, and allowing the unwanted to breathe is no virtue.”

* The effort is being made to discourage presidential aspirants for 2008 from making any moves at this time. To date, former president Clinton is quiet on the subject, though Senator Clinton has moved dramatically to the right in what Dick Morris has perceived publicly to be an eventually successful run for the office. I am suggesting that members write Senator Clinton in the interest of encouraging her to be silent, especially with regard to the Iraq mess, against which I remind all members I was. She has expressed approval of U.S. actions in some areas, and that is unseemly, as expressed eloquently by Michael Moore in his election-year film that fell victim to the Swift-Boat veterans and their propaganda about Senator Kerry not actually being in Cambodia on Christmas day in 1968 and receiving a Purple Heart for actually shooting himself (ricochet) by accident…speaking of whom, the senator is keeping a low profile and has not released the last 174 pages of his 180-page military file, in keeping with the Privacy Act and making a stand that is historic in doing so.

* It has come to my attention that some college-age interns employed by the DNC have been caught watching the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News and/or listening to Rush Limbaugh, or both. These young and obviously naive students are to be sent to Colorado for a ten-week session conducted by Dr. Ward Churchill, who certainly has the credentials to straighten them out. Though he has been called a liar for making the claim that he’s a great part Indian, his native-American background will be a huge aid in helping these young people understand what professional victim-hood is all about. Jesse Jackson will attend a good part of the time, as well, and, if anything, is even better acquainted with the subject of victim-hood than Churchill and realizes, more importantly, how valuable this concept is in keeping the African Americans in the big tent and the students on the reservation. The students who don’t apply themselves adequately will be sent for more rigorous training to the DNC facility in Cambodia. You will be glad to know that Dr. Churchill has promised not to refer to anybody as “little Eichmanns” simply stabilizing the demographics of the world.

* You will be glad to know that a substantial sum is being awarded to Michael Moore so that he can produce a TV ad featuring the cold-heartedness of President Bush in not visiting the high school at Red Lake, Minnesota, where the latest school shootings took place a few days ago. Michael is terribly enthusiastic about the project and is already editing scenes purloined from the networks of the president taking it easy in Crawford, Texas, amid all the grief in Minnesota. There has been a slight delay caused by one of his editors mistakenly picking up a scene of Clinton’s “apology trip” to Africa a few years ago and showing what was purported to be a Texas corral, but with an elephant roaming around in it. To my knowledge, there are no elephants outside the respective zoos in Minnesota. Michael wasn’t sure but said that his insatiable thirst for truth made him excise the scene, though it was one of the better shots and most Americans are too dumb to know the difference between an elephant and an antelope anyway. Being the magnanimous man that he is, he is exhibiting magnificent sensitivity to truth, since the 28 lies some have fervently and mean-spiritedly accused him of placing in his election-year masterpiece have given him – in his own words – a new understanding of how important he is. May his tribe increase!

* Some of you have mentioned the possible employment of Dan Rather as the new Public Relations Director of the DNC, noting that he is available, obviously, and that he was an important DNC tool in the last election. While I agree that Dan could be very valuable in such a role, I suggest that it is a bit early to consider this possibility, not least because there is still talk about possible criminal intent/action in the Air National Guard/memo matter, for which four CBS people have already bitten the dust. One of them could threaten to divulge heretofore unmentioned material in this matter – not that Rather would, ipso facto, be involved – and this could be embarrassing. The thought of the DNC PR guy trying to ward off a jail term or cop a plea would not look good.

* As I express again my gratitude for your confidence, I also encourage you to give yourself credit for the superior judgment and intellect you have shown yourselves to possess in electing me. I hasten to mention, however, that the DEAN SCREAM has been copyrighted and that, while you may practice it, you may not use it publicly, and certainly not for monetary enhancement, without express permission from me. If I am not available, you may apply to Senator Harkin, who furnished the inspiration for the scream by his historic performance at the funeral for Senator Wellstone in 2002.

Note: Red lettering used as reminder of war against the red states.