From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 26 May 2009
***Note the use of the term "convener" in the above. As did former convener Dean, I am dropping the term "chairperson," not to mention (gasp!…for a little effect there) the sexist term "chairman," thus putting everyone on the same level, except, of course, that you will follow orders without delay, since some are always more equal than others, even on a level playing field. The president is seriously considering dropping the title "Commander-in-Chief," preferring something warmer and fuzzier. He has asked for suggestions, and the staffer who comes up with a winner will be rewarded with a bonus not to exceed 79 cents, since bonuses are in ill repute at this time, except at the companies which have received stimulus payments. If the national debt is ever paid-off, the bonus will be increased, no matter which century in the future, assuming there is a future – little joke there in celebration of Kim Jong Il's latest nuclear blast on Memorial Day.
***As planned, the president will undertake another "apology tour" next week and has requested appropriate wordings for his stops in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Germany, and Normandy. He has asserted that he did not genuflect before King Abdullah on his recent trip to Riyadh and that he will not do it again. The wag who put the cross-symbol on a picture of the king at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue-state-map, and Bush-dart-board, when apprehended, will be water-boarded when Speaker Pelosi is out of town again or appears before the ethics committee concerning her recent press-conference flapdoodles, whichever comes first. The president has indicated that he still plans to apologize for this country's existence to every other country before 04 July, but has made it plain that he did not say in which year this would be accomplished.
***Speaker Pelosi has expressed her appreciation for staffers' suggestions concerning her current trip to China, in which she has promised to chastise the Chinese for exporting a bunch of lead-lined toys and shabby shoes, skivvies, and pirated CDs to this country, as well as for their constant whining about their U.S. dollars which lose more value every day. In order to help the president apologize for making war on terrorists and thus upsetting the world, she will present his autographed pictures of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo and discuss the evil of torture with Chinese officials, who are known to be among the most knowledgeable torturers in the Far East, second only to the keepers of the East-Russian gulags in the Outer Mongolia area.
***Plans for the Veteran/Christian Awareness Day, noted in Memorandum #2, are well underway. The Department of Homeland Security is actually in charge, but has asked for DNC help in preparing materials depicting returning veterans joining the Ku Klux Klan and hanging on to their M-16s and threatening everyone from homosexuals to soccer-moms. The new DHS motto is Remember Timothy McVeigh and Oklahoma City 1995! Also, as suggested before, anyone hearing a preacher mention the battle of Jericho or a choir singing “Battle Hymn of the Republic” is to report these subversives to me…and then dig a foxhole, even if on the freeway.
***The president plans to apologize to the nation because God was mentioned at the National Memorial Day service Sunday evening and because (even worse) the term Christ was actually sung in Battle Hymn, as well as for his lapse in saying "God bless" during his speech on Monday. This is a clear violation of the First Amendment, not to mention an insult to ___(name your own religious group)______. Michael Moore's documentary concerning dangerous Christians and bankrolled by the DHS is tentatively titled The Biblical Bombers Bivouac in Brotherly Bethlehem and will feature Pennsylvania Baptists grasping their shotguns, chanting Psalms and rousting illegal immigrants from the coal mines.
***Staffers are warned not to take questions about SCOTUS nominee Sotomayor in their fundraising meetings. The president has indicated that Sotomayor has empathy and has proven it by stating clearly that Latina women make much better judges than white men, and has stated flatly that the Court will be replacing the Congress in legislating, since the lawmakers do more arguing than anything else. This doesn't set well with some citizens, mostly men. The rumor that Vice President Biden offered to trade his job for a seat on the Court, thus making Speaker Pelosi the next-in-line, is not true and Biden has promised not to mention it again.
***The Court will now be made up of six Catholics, two Jews, and one Protestant, so it's easy to see how diversity is expressed judicially. Jews comprise less than 2% of the population; Catholics, 23%; and Protestants only 52%, which would seem to allow them only five justices religiously, but religion is not hot these days. For women staffers, however, the sacred right of abortion is safe, since Catholic leaders consider the Pope un-cool on this matter. The president's denomination, the United Church of Christ, officially sanctioned the doctrine of men marrying men and women marrying women in 2005, so hope still lives for those equating strange biological practices with family values, that is, the truly enlightened and ultra-sophisticated.
***The rumor that Univ. of Chicago professor William Ayres, former Weather Underground domestic terrorist/bomber/expert and launcher of the president's political career, has been hired to devise a way to close Gitmo is untrue – REPEAT – untrue. The professor's experience involved only bombing other people but not in suicide/homicide fashion, so he was ruled as unlikely to create rapport with the animals at Guantanamo or with the Castros, who had offered to let him set up a training-camp in Cuba for the Gitmo prisoners once he had opened the gates and let them out of Gitmo and into paradise.
***Former senator Daschle has requested that staffers join his effort to recoup the $140,000 he paid recently in back-taxes in order to buy – fair and square – the head spot at HHS. His sacrifice in this matter is noteworthy. Everyone is urged to contribute $369, which is the average yearly amount given to charity by Vice President Biden over the last decade or so. The staffer who posted on the DNC building's entrance a picture of Senator Daschle slowly twisting in the wind has been informed that gallows humor is not acceptable at DNC headquarters. He has been punished by having to listen 5,000 times to the president's answer to every question: "We won!"
***Robert Gibbs, the president's spokesman, has sent a note explaining that President Obama didn't forget the defense secretary's name recently in a speech. The fault was in the layout of the teleprompter, and the appropriate technician has been banished to San Francisco. Also, the rumor that the president didn't recognize the secretary at a recent cocktail party is flatly untrue.