From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 22 July 2011
***Listen up. Discipline has been lax lately and will not be tolerated. I’ve set the example for toughness with my speech in the House by calling out Congressman West, who may think his Bronze Star and 22 years in the military is a match for WOMAN. A mere lieutenant colonel, probably lower than a sergeant – who cares – he dared to disagree with a DNC chairWOMAN, probably the second most important person to the First Lady in the country now. In response, West said I am the most vile, unprofessional and despicable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. I wear that badge proudly and advise all women staffers to become the same. Do NOT – repeat – do NOT mention in any meeting that Congressman West was not in the chamber when I took him on. The rumor that I had him called to the phone before I spoke is untrue, and I won’t do that again.
***Republican harridan Michele Bachman is unfit to be president because it is well documented that she has migraine headaches, a debilitating ailment that would make her dangerous if called at 3:00 a.m. in the midst of one of those attacks, especially requiring a decision as momentous as whether or not the breakfast eggs should be scambled or taken on the half-shell. State Secretary Clinton stated that she would be fine at 3:00 a.m., but she didn’t have migraines. POTUS is also clear-headedly wakeable at 3:00 a.m. and keeps a teleprompter handy at his bedside programmed to answer any emergency. All new campaign materials are to include information concerning the ravages of migraines, complete with diagrams of how they disorient the brain and distort performance accruing to even well-prepared teleprompters, much less the ones used by POTUS, who does not suffer from migraines despite his ramblings during press conferences, concerning which POTUS has announced officially that SACRIFICE is a keyword in his campaign, on which he plans to spend a billion big ones, roughly 67 times the GDP of Tuvalu, an important ally in the Pacific.
***My patience is running thin concerning the red/yellow/black/white paper that POTUS has demanded be prepared explaining why he is still leading from behind in the Libya shootout. Not one has been received except those from recent Harvard graduates that blame George Bush for not stopping the carnage he started in March. These reflect the party-line that Bush and his father were/are/will be responsible for everything bad at least through 2050 but simply form too big a stretch. The Harvard gang is being sent to the Durbin Reeducation Camp for a remedial course in something as soon as Durbin decides what their problem is, other than LSD, Mary Jane, Meth, Ecstasy and the like. They will be treated gently and not accused of being what Durbin has described American GIs to be: SS troops (Nazis), keeper of the Gulags (Soviet KGB), or killing-field operators (Pol Pot).
***There’s been talk around the water-fountain (only bottled, since D.C. water is suspect) that POTUS has decided to lead from behind regarding the space program, leaving it to the Russians, Frenchies and any other entity that can get anything off the ground (besides U.S. missiles over Libya or Iranian rockets from Gaza over Israel). POTUS has correctly concluded that people can’t live comfortably on the moon, so what’s the use? The rumor that he has stated that neither golf nor cigarettes will ever be available on the moon, besides the fact that Air Force One can’t even get there, much less land, is untrue and he will not make that claim again.
***IMPORTANT NOTICE: In the interest of gender equality, bathrooms exclusively for men and women only are being abolished in the headquarters building, except for the chairWOMAN’S suite. These outdated facilities have to remain there since uncultured visitors might be traumatized by the new emphasis on unisex. This new arrangement will place men and women on an equal footing with the waiting in line problem, the effort geared officially toward erasing male insensitivity and indirectly toward getting even with the &%^$#&^ so-and-so’s. Any male staffer caught outside in the tree-area will be disciplined severely, perhaps made to canvass South Carolina and eat grits three times a day. VPOTUS has stated that this is a big #%*$^# deal, so pay attention.
***Notwithstanding the evidence in all the history-books that a nation is headed for oblivion when homosexuality becomes all the rage and men marrying men makes perfect sense, the DNC is instituting a new policy of nullifying the Equal Opportunity Act in its hiring policies, giving homosexuals (actually the GLBTW gang) first dibs on every job that comes open, with the blessing of POTUS (executive order), of course, who thinks men marrying men is cool and maybe even exciting, perhaps even improving dunking techniques and chip shots. On applications, homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders, in-betweeners and whatevers will not be required to fill in the gender blank but, if they prefer, may check any box they like or make up a new gender, though a description must be submitted in the latter case. Bestiality, however, will not qualify since People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) claim this designation humiliates and discriminates against animals, most of whom cannot write or even hire lawyers, the latter an absolute necessity in working for the government.
***POTUS is being regularly referenced by evil republicans like Allen West (see above) and evil news outlets such as Fox as “the dear leader” and, while he enjoys the warm-fuzzy nature of the appellation, suspects the term is often used sarcastically, perhaps even juxtaposing his regal bearing with that of Kim Jong Il, that snipe in North Korea. POTUS is probably a nine-iron taller. Staffers are warned not to use this term, even in friendly town-hall meetings, and to stamp their feet and exit any un-friendly town-halls if the term is used.
***Finally, POTUS is tired of the charge by republicans that, while they’ve presented deficit-reduction and other fiscal plans, he has presented nothing, which is true, of course. Needed immediately by POTUS is a complete economic plan. POTUS would take care of this but he is booked solidly through November 2012 and simply hasn’t the time. Every staffer – repeat – EVERY staffer is to have a plan (preferably 25 words or less) on the chairWOMAN’S desk by in the morning. Anyone not responding will be disciplined by walking the Mall come hell, heat or high water for 12 hours. Note: When placing the plan on the chairWOMAN’S desk, don’t even think about using the toilet, either one of them.