From the office of Howard Dean, M.D., chairperson
***First, a word of apology for not advancing the regular monthly memorandum for February, though I had it scheduled for Feb. 30 but was advised that the day did not exist (little joke there). Recent days have been frantic, especially since operatives from both the Obama and Clinton camps have insisted upon a personal endorsement by me of McCain, explaining that such would allow at least two weeks of the media extensively covering something so bizarre, meaning that such things as Jeremiah Wright, Obama fairytales, and a possible Clinton botoxing would be off the front pages and nightly newscasts. As a "non-typical white person," I fear neither candidate and have refused. Thanks in advance for your appreciation.
***There have been reports of snickering around the bottled-water and low-fat-noncarbohydrate-veggie-candy-bar machines over the recent endorsement by Governor Bill Richardson of Obama's candidacy, as well as bets being made as to which cabinet position he has been promised. Please put out the word that no deal has even been discussed, much less promised, and that both men have said they will not talk about it again. Anyone caught discussing this again will be sent to knock on doors in Kentucky, where the Primary is in May and where it is rumored that even first-graders can completely assemble an M-16 in forty seconds and are trained to recognize an unfamiliar knock on the door.
***Please put out the word that the Reverend Dr. Jeremiah Wright has been dropped from the Obama campaign team since he is observing his after-retirement sabbatical, whereabouts unknown, and thus hasn't the time to contribute as a spiritual adviser or, even more importantly, to prepare the morning coffee. The rumor that he is joining Michael Moore in a new film project inspired by My Fair Lady and tentatively titled The Pain in Maine Is Mainly in McCain is untrue, as well as info concerning a new hymn featured in the film by Wright entitled God Damn America. The ACLU has sued to have the hymn placed in every hymnbook in the country to balance the hymn God Bless America and thus ensure equity in religion. Wright has said he has not written such a hymn and will not sing it again.
***Senator Obama is preparing a White Paper explaining precisely what a "typical white person" is. This is in response to inquiries related to his recent use of that term, especially as it was applied to an 84-year-old white grandmother and then applied to all white people. He has asked that judgment be reserved until he discovers what he meant and will appreciate any help, especially from white people, in determining what he was thinking (or if he was thinking – little joke there) at the time he coined this phrase, which will be used constantly between now and the convention…perhaps even the November election. Senator Clinton has asked for suggestions from the black community as to exactly what a "typical black person" is, insisting upon equal treatment. Since her husband, with her approval, was identified as the first black president, notwithstanding his obvious lack of the proper skin-pigmentation and since he obviously is not typical of most male humanoids in dealing with interns and cigars, she insists that clarifications be made; otherwise, the villages engaged in raising children will be conflicted as to who should be where and when and why, as well as the identification of dangers lurking when "typical white/black people" are uncomfortable in their surroundings.
***General Petraeus will be speaking in Congress in April, so Senator Clinton, who was brave enough to call him a liar to his face in a hearing last fall, and Senator Biden, who agreed with her later in a comment in Slate, have requested that all effort be expended in explaining that "suspension of belief," the term used by Clinton, actually does not mean what it obviously means. This means that a $500-prize is being offered to anyone who can spin her remark into a profound compliment, and the money will be awarded immediately. Do not – REPEAT – do NOT suggest, as some have, that she enunciated "suspension of relief" because the lines were too long at the ladies restrooms. The videotape is very clear as to her exact words. Also, insist that Clinton did not use this term because she felt that nobody in the redneck South – pickup-as-religion country – would actually understand that she was calling a four-star general a liar.
***There's been a tendency among staffers to complain that the new "spouse-alarm" system is not working when the candidates' spouses make speeches. These devices are designed to guard against such statements as the "Obama fairytale" term used by Bill Clinton. The use of the word "fairy" has angered the gay/lesbian/transgender/transitioning/trans-whatever-else community, whose vote is badly needed. The alarm should have garbled that part of Clinton's speech, as well as the "only now proud of my country" comment by Michelle Obama. The alarm didn't work when Senator Clinton suggested that President Johnson worked with M.L. King in the civil rights matter. While she was correct, the alarm should have garbled those words for the obvious reasons. The black community has been furious over this. Similar alarms have also been designed for all campaigners, so that the truth will not overcome the facts (little joke there). They, hopefully now correctly adjusted, will be distributed soon and are keyed to monitor blood pressure, temperature, tongue-speed, and EQ (emotion quota) at all times, so that such gaffs will be eliminated when someone is about to say something stupid or truthful, whichever comes first.
***Perhaps you're aware that the newsmagazine published as an arm of the Rev. Doc J. Wright's church gave its 2007 Empowerment Award to the Right Rev. Imam Doc Louis Farrakhan a few months ago. He's made the claim publicly that the U.S government empowered the levees on Lake Pontchartrain to rupture in 2005 in an effort to kill black folk. Since any other empowerment possibility has not been mentioned, everyone is instructed to explain that the Empowerment Award was granted in recognition of Farrakhan's empowerment to make a violin sound good…something he does well. When explaining, please refrain, however, from referring to the R/R/I/D Farrakhan as "Calypso Louie." This offends many Caribbean-extraction voters who favor reggae, which depends on guitars and bongos, not violins.
***For now, impeachment proceedings against President Bush and Vice President Cheney are on hold, so don't waste time campaigning for it. Speaker Pelosi is busy reinstalling the Dalai Lama in Tibet and complaining to the Chinese about the smog that might fatally affect Americans in the Olympic Games during the summer monsoon season this year and doesn't have time to fool with extraneous matters. Also, do not – REPEAT – do NOT mention anything about climate change and global warming since many top scientists are exposing the entire CO2 Gore-thing as a hoax. Do NOT mention that his film may not be shown in English public schools unless its lies (9 or 11, depending on perspective) are explained beforehand. Also, the polar bears, except the four that slipped off the world, are all alive and well. This is good news for all of us who care.