From the Iowa Office of Dr. Howard Dean, chairperson
***Concerning the last debate, the lady who was obviously nervous and had to back up a few times in her question about Social Security, thus causing considerable repetition, had not been coached, and the question was not planted by the Clinton campaign. CNN moderator Wolf Blitzer has vehemently denied that he prompted the lady five times, but only gave her a word or two occasionally, and Senator Clinton has denied ever planting questions and has assured the DNC, the public, and all ships at sea that she will not do it again.
***Also concerning the debate, the chairperson wishes to thank all his Iowan friends for their applause when he was introduced with the candidates at the beginning of the debate. It was a teachable moment and reminded of 2004, when the “Dean Dragoons,” made up mostly of college students, were welcomed into the state for what amounted to a blitzkrieg of beneficence in the name of the chairperson, who was eminently qualified to stop all wars, bring everlasting peace, and lead the nation into perpetual prosperity. For the current campaign, it is suggested that workers desist from wearing rings in noses, tongues, ears, navels, lips, eyebrows, love-handles, and the unmentionable body parts. Iowans hold to tradition and appreciate metal in the body only if it’s in the form of shrapnel incurred on a field of honor (not defined as a college dorm or crack-house or frat party). Also, please cover all tattoos while in Iowa, even if this means wearing scuba-diving outfits with only the eyes showing. In addition, remember that the Dean Scream introduced at the end of the Iowa voting in 2004 is patented – ©Howard Dean – and may not be used without permission. Permission has been granted to special ops forces for use in harassing the enemy, but may not be used when muezzins are calling Muslims to prayer (scary enough on its own – little joke there to point up the importance of the prayers and the Muslim vote).
***As Senator Obama has requested, a white paper is being drawn up explaining that his position is the same as that of John F. Kennedy in 1960, when his Catholicism was an issue in some areas. The reason has to do with this statement from his church’s self-identification site: “We are an African people, and remain ‘true to our native land,’ the mother continent, the cradle of civilization.” The paper will indicate that the senator is in no way under the control of the church or its pastor, and that he did not contribute the bongos to the church’s praise/worship/whatever band. It will also prove that the Garden of Eden was not at the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro. Staffers may feel free, however, to accuse republican Romney of having this prior-loyalty difficulty (cult stuff), but please refrain from saying he is under the control of Joseph Smith, who has long been dead. Since announcing a while back that he is a Baptist, Senator McCain can be ridiculed as John the Baptist, but do not – repeat – do NOT mention his former description as Episcopalian, since that points to his leaving the denomination that’s conflicted about men marrying men, not a good subject for discussion politically. The chairperson also left the Episcopalians, but, if asked, please say it was over a bike path, not funny marriages (for the politically-correct vote).
***It has come to my attention that some staffers have been heard snickering around the water fountain about Michael Moore’s abandonment of his “Hillary Project,” a film entitled “Cinderhilla and the Seven Dwarves.” There has never been such an effort, and the fact that the media have officially dropped Gravel as a contender for the democrat nomination is not the reason for this circumstance; moreover, Moore has said he would not do it again. The fact that Senator Kucinich had threatened a lawsuit and noted that he was as tall as Michael Dukakis was in 1988 had nothing to do with the non-film, in the first place. The non-point of the non-film had to do with the non-overwhelming non-lead that Senator Clinton had in the polls. The rumor that Senator Obama said that Senator Clinton always had to look up to him should be de-bunked, since political correctness forecloses anatomical comments, much less anatomical slurs. Play down Senator Clinton’s remark in the last debate about the greatness of the country being shown by the fact that a woman, a Latino, and an African American are vying to be top banana. This was discriminatory and pointed to class warfare, according to Senator Biden, who called her remark fluffernutter, while former senator Edwards has threatened a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all white Anglo-Saxon Protestant men, otherwise known as WASPs.
***It has come to my attention that an inordinate number of requests for transfers have been submitted, most of them for locations in South Carolina and southward from there. The DNC realizes that it is already snowing here in Iowa and that the usual miserable sleet and snow conditions are current in New Hampshire, but most of these requests will be denied for obvious reasons. A number of requests have been turned in by recent college graduates, mostly geography majors from Harvard and Yale, for the Bahamas and a few for Bimini, and those requests will absolutely be denied for obvious reasons. Those who will be moving on to New Hampshire (located between Vermont and Maine, for the grads) in a few days are advised to never mention the misery of New Hampshire winters as they canvass neighborhoods, since some of the citizens of that state have been known to shoot first and then answer the pollsters.