From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chairperson
***For those who have been approached by representatives of PETA, a word of explanation is in order, namely and mainly to wit, that neither the DNC nor the chairperson considers the mentality and emotional makeup of a human being to be superior to those of a non-human (animal, vegetable, mineral, bird, fish, for instance [for recent college graduates]). This matter has been justifiably remarked by PETA to be important since the constant use of the terms donkey and elephant for the democrat and republican parties, respectively [again, for recent graduates], represents denigration of those non-human species and actually amounts to slander, the implication being that comparison to humans amounts to the dumbing-down of those forms. Also, the colors red and blue (repubs and dems, respectively – for recent grads) are not to be used from now on, since to do so discriminates against all other colors. Since the only color remaining is usually considered to be white and since sole use of it represents quintessential discrimination (African Americans in the DNC quite disturbed), the DNC board has voted that white and black are statements instead of colors and may be used for background and lettering interchangeably. Obviously, these new rules are established to guarantee that diversity – defined as the penultimate political correctness – is observed as the highest form of civilization and the salvation of the nation and all ships at sea. All of the democrat candidates have been polled and agree to this arrangement, and Senators Clinton, Biden, Obama, and Dodd have agreed to introduce legislation to codify it. Mention this in all meetings, especially in the South, where "redneck republican" and "blue-dog democrat" are common terms especially offensive to immigrants with green cards (potential voters) and non-humans.
***The staffer who went to Iowa a week ago and gave an interview in which he referred to Senator Clinton and her husband as the paradigm for married couples, proven by their passion in public (sort of like the kiss that shook Los Angeles in 2000 when Al Gore swept Tipper off her feet at his acceptance speech [report of multiple fractures untrue, however]), has been disciplined, since he set off the printing of activities/timelines in major conservative newspapers of the former president's personal activities while in Arkansas, Washington, and everywhere else, including the recess periods of the E-8 conferences each year. Some of these media outlets used whole sections of their papers and promised to finish the articles between now and Iowa, the implication being that too much newsprint (very expensive, now that Nader's Raiders are camping in trees, thus forcing tree-cutters to pay damages when the tree-huggers are shaken out or sawed in two), is required to print full disclosures.
***Staffers are reminded again not to take sides in the current primary races. While John Edwards seems to be leading in Iowa, having successfully defended his $400 haircuts to the hog farmers, his latest haircuts, costing $1,350 each (counting hairdresser expenses), are rumored to be viewed with a certain unease, and some republican operatives have been making reference to the fact that the old proverb is true about the impossibility of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear, but reversing it in Edward's case, remarking that not even a sow's ear can be made out of a silk purse. In fact, everyone is urged not to take Iowa too seriously, since those people picked the wrong candidate in 2004, the result being four years of Bush. Instituted at that time, the Dean Scream© is now known throughout the world and stands forever for "what might have been." It's even rumored that Osama bin Laden employs three muezzins, four imams, two ayatollahs and a partridge in a pear tree (okay…little joke there) to wail the scream simultaneously (for proper volume) in his noonday prayers, and that one landslide was precipitated by them on the Pakistani border.
***It has come to my attention that Cindy Sheehan, in her ceremony to turn over the Bushwhacker Ranchero protest-ranch at Crawford, Texas, to its new owner, has affirmed that she will run against Speaker Pelosi next year if Ms. Pelosi doesn't institute impeachment proceedings against Bush and Cheney by July 23. It's rumored also that Ms. Sheehan will soon call for impeachment of five Supreme Court justices to be named later. Staffers are not to participate in Sheehan's rally in Washington on that day, since Senator Obama has said he was against the war before she was and would consider DNC participation to be discriminatory and anti-diversity and counter-multiculturalism. Senator Biden sent word that he agrees and that he would appreciate it if staffers not refer again to his statement made some months ago that Senator Obama was the first black guy in 400 years to become both articulate and clean, no matter how complimentary it was.
***Michael Moore is planning a new movie, tentatively called Low Midnight, that has as its theme Kid Bushwhacker sneaking out of town on the midnight stagecoach to Albuquerque, rather than face Sheriff Kucinich at the Impeachment Corral. The plot will include Sundance Dick, who will aim at the sheriff and hit the Kid in the face with 12-gauge shot. With a nod to the Hispanic vote, Moore plans to have Judge "Wild Bill" Richardson in the "Hi-Hat-Hillary-Hostel" (little female-vote plug there) to pronounce judgment and hang Sundance and the Kid on the nearest mosque. More details later. In the meantime, do NOT mention Senator Clinton in the South, or Congressman Kucinich anywhere.