From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair, Democratic National Committee
***It is strongly suggested that the use of Jimmy Carter's name in any publications or the use of any videos on YouTube of him doing anything may be harmful to the party, so all staffers are required to gain permission from this office before doing either. Since while in London the other day he referred to outgoing Prime Minister Tony Blair as "abominable," "subservient, " and "blind," and in Arkansas referred to the current administration as the worst in history, he is being described in the conservative press as being an eleven-story elevator in a twelve-story building. The rumor that he thought he was in Arkansas while in London and in London while in Arkansas has been denied by the Carter Center in Atlanta in a sworn affidavit, explaining that Carter meant both remarks as excellent examples of diplomacy and sagacity. If confronted by a disgruntled volunteer complaining about Carter's badmouthing of his country while on foreign soil (London, not Arkansas, for recent college graduates), explain that this is the former president's method of proving the freedom of speech in this country, since in many, if not most, other countries, he would be shot for denigrating his country on home soil, much less foreign.
***All staffers are reminded to be careful when referring to the firing of Don Imus by CBS last month. Even though this was a politically correct act by CBS, an important player in the DNC propaganda machine, some conservatives of the Limbaugh ilk are tying it to the fact that CBS allowed Dan Rather to work long after he was proven to be an outright liar (never use this word, however, in favor of something like "ill informed" or "senile") in fabricating the famous Texas Air National Guard documents just before the 2004 election. Never mention that presidential candidate Senator Dodd announced his candidacy on the Imus Show, even though Dodd has denied doing that and promised he won't do it again. Also, do not use the term "ho" at any time, even though this is a favorite word of the black hip-hop/rapper crowd for women, since the African-American vote is more crucial now than ever, and the vote of the younger hip-hoppers and rappers is still up for grabs. Never use Jesse Jackson as a source or role model in discussing this subject, for obvious reasons. The wag who put this sign by the water fountain – Ho! Ho! Ho!…Where Did Jesse Go? – will be disciplined harshly when found.
***Please take every opportunity to explain to the public that John Edwards has repaid his campaign $800 for the two famous California (where else – little joke there) haircuts, but don't mention the New England manicures at all. While hair is a rather abstract body-part, especially in the wind, carefully trimmed nails are important in the hands-on part of campaigning, due to the vital exercise of signing autographs and, thus, legitimate campaign-tools to be honed to perfection. Also, autographing T-shirts can lead to lawsuits if the spinal area of the wearer is punctured by ragged fingernails, not to mention the damage that can be done while kissing a baby. Edwards, however, has agreed to represent anyone suing his own campaign if he injures anyone.
***This is an update on this sentence in DNC Memorandum #23: "Please be advised that Senator Biden has, by actual count, publicly apologized 500 times to Senator Obama and 300 times apiece to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for his implying that Senator Obama is the first African American in 400 years to become both articulate and clean." Senator Biden, by actual count audited by the same firm that counts votes for the Hollywood Oscars, has now apologized 1193 times to Senator Obama, 694 times to the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and 693 times to the Rev. Sharpton, though Sharpton is asking for a recount. Also in the apology department, Senator Kerry has apologized in excess of 400 times to the military in Iraq for accusing them of not being very bright. The senator has also said that his mind first voted that such was not the case before it voted that it was, and has strongly refuted the claim by many in the party that his mind is out to lunch most of the time except on weekends when he visits his wife's offshore facilities to help count her money. Senator Obama has also requested that DNC staffers explain that he was misquoted when he said the lives of GIs killed in Iraq were wasted, and that he would not…not say that again.
***"Fluffernutter" was the term Senator Biden used to describe Mr. Edwards' remarks about the Iraqi War (and everything else) a few months ago in an interview in a restaurant, causing many to wonder if the senator was a bit in his cups and simply slurred the word "flapdoodle." The rumor is that this term will be incorporated in a new dictionary soon, since it is not now a word in the English language, and therefore has embarrassed the senator. Mr. Edwards has promised to sue the publisher (located in San Francisco – where else) if the term is structured as a combination of the terms "fluff" and "nutter" and defined as "foolishness by a nutcase." It was mentioned in DNC Memorandum #23 that Senator Clinton had been receiving lewd e-mails, letters, pictures, and phone calls from whispering voices ever since Senator Biden had referred to her as, "Everyone in the world knows her." Please get out the word that she is not suing Senator Biden but has accepted his written apology, which – IMPORTANT – was not plagiarized from a ninth-grade grammar-book.
***Impeachment proceedings are still on hold, though Congressman Kucinich (also running for president, as usual) is campaigning on the issue of impeaching Vice President Cheney. Do not speculate, at least in public, that Mr. Kucinich is afraid that the president might die of lockjaw because of mispronouncing "nuclear" one time too many, and that, consequently, the vice president will take office and declare war on the whole world.