DNC Memorandum #22

From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chair & ’06 Campaign Guru

***It is hoped that all staffers recognize the magnitude of the significant, enormous, devastating, magnificent, stupendous, (your own personal encomium here), outstanding victories gained in the elections, as well as the heads-up leadership that engineered those in-your-face affronts to the president. Okay…that statement is reprinted from Memorandum #21, but the message still holds and the chairperson still reigns – benevolently, of course. DNC Chairman of the Congressional Campaign Committee for 2006 Rahm Emanuel wants it understood that he doesn’t think the chairperson is a nincompoop because he disagreed with him, and that he didn’t storm out of the chairperson’s office last May…and that he won’t do it again. Also, there is no validity to the rumor that the chairperson is about to be fired because James Carville said he should after the November elections and accused him of “Rumsfeldian incompetence.”

***House Speaker Nancy Pelosi may decide not to pursue impeachment proceedings against the president, so the film by Michael Moore with the working title Fahrenpeachment –435 is presently on hold. It is noted that in the event of a Senate conviction (the impeachment is assured in the democrat-controlled House) Vice President Cheney would be elevated to the presidency, a fate some fear to be worse than death, though the likelihood of a conviction of the president is somewhere between nil and zilch. DNC lawyers are studying the Constitution currently to see if impeachment proceedings could be conducted against both Bush and Cheney as a single case. If the Senate convicted in such a scenario, Speaker Pelosi would become president, so the issue is unsettled at this time. In any case, Dan Rather is researching the files of the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Jay, and the longest serving, John Marshall, on the rumor that one or the other set a precedent of automatic elevation of the House Speaker on a simple impeachment charge of either the president or vice president – without conviction by the Senate – and believes he may have found a quill used by Marshall in 1802 to write such a decision. If he’s successful, CBS news anchor Katie Couric will make an announcement soon.

***Though his approach was appreciated, it is felt that Charles Gibson, ABC news anchor and an important DNC apologist, stepped over the line when reporting the installation of Speaker Pelosi last week, citing her as an example of how a grandmother can run both her family and the country simultaneously. Granted that Pelosi was carrying a six-week-old grandchild while waving the gavel (thankfully not hitting the child) and was surrounded by other noisy kids (her idea), this event was considered by many editorial writers to be hokey and contrived. More to the point, other (democrat-grandfather) congressmen feel they’ve been harassed and accused of being unable to run the country while being fathers and grandfathers. Play down the Pelosi event and substitute, wherever and whenever possible, the speaker in camouflage fatigues and sporting an M-16 to give her more of a leadership image, especially since she is now telling the president and the military how to run the war on terrorism. However, Pelosi remembers the Dukakis fiasco of 1988 and has promised not to ride around in a General Sherman tank. Senator Hillary Clinton has been urged not to do the same thing.

***The snickering around the water fountain with reference to Senator Kennedy’s allusion to Osama when he meant Obama is getting a bit old now. That miscue, made at the National Press Club was almost two years ago, and staffers are directed to never mention this affair again. The fact that Rush Limbaugh uses the quote (apparently on tape) as a daily laugher means that we should not rise to the bait. Senator Obama has promised to submit his campaign schedule soon, noting the days when he will be in Washington (presumably in Senate deliberations) so that he may be interviewed. Presently, he is believed to be planning for at least four more days in January, five in the event of a republican filibuster of some sort. His alleged inexperience in world affairs (and most other stuff) is to be played down and, as explained in the last memo, his charisma is to be accented. His poll numbers are high with soccer moms and old ladies, especially the ones who can’t stand Senator Clinton, and this is due to his handsomeness and ability not to say anything about anything.

***When fielding questions about John Edwards’ candidacy for 2008, play down the fact that he announced it in somebody’s backyard in New Orleans instead of somebody’s backyard…or any kind of yard, especially a railroad yard (for the union vote)…in Raleigh. There have been many complaints from North Carolina democrats, blaming the DNC for that decision; however, the DNC – especially the chairperson – would never have recommended something as contrived and transparent as that. It may be that the former North Carolina senator was trying to make a point about FEMA, but he just made himself look foolish. He has been contacted and promised that he will repair the damage by appearing with a chain-saw after the next hurricane that hits Wilmington or tornado that hits anywhere in North Carolina, Iowa, or New Hampshire. Rumors that he is suing Starbucks for a client claiming to have an extensive tooth-decay problem because of café that’s too sweet are not true, despite the ads advertising a class-action suit of some kind.

***Senator Biden announced his 2008 candidacy on DNC apologist Tim Russert’s Meet the Press on the seventh. I’ve been made aware that this has caused more snickering about 1988 and the plagiarizing by the senator of the Irish politician’s campaign speeches that year. Biden repented publicly of his actions and did the honorable thing…resigned from the race, though certainly not from the Senate since he was not under oath when he gave those speeches. Obviously, the senator needs a speechwriter and has sent word that applications will be entertained. No Irish applicants need apply, however, since that would only bring up the subject in such publications as National Review. Also, never use the term “Buddy” when referring to any Biden material, since the republicans have been calling the senator “Buddy Biden” ever since he addressed Attorney General Gonzales as “Buddy” during those awful confirmation hearings.

***We’re on a roll now, with the republicans in full disarray. Keep up the good work, but make no pronouncements about the war on terror. Neither the DNC nor the party has yet figured out a position, but a white paper is being prepared. Senator Durbin (Guantanamo expert) is heading the project, but has promised not to compare American GIs with nazi storm troopers, keepers of the gulags or Pol Pot’s assassinator corps. These terms do not play well in Illinois.