From the office of the chairman, 08 March 2011
***Apologies for neglecting to forward a memorandum during February! Since it was Black History Month a memorandum would have been unseemly especially since it would have pointed to the fact that African Americans support democrats, especially the president, no matter any position, though they might have a problem with his latest position, to wit, that men may marry men in holy matrimony and start their families. Most Americans, acting through their legislatures in both the Constitution and Statute areas, disapprove of this but are simply too unsophisticated to understand the president’s brilliance. However, this is a subject best left alone if possible since a redneck may ask you a stupid question such as one having to do with how two men conceive and bring forth a child. If that happens, “cloning” is an absolute no-no. Beyond that, you’re on your own BUT under no circumstances quote what the president said about marriage during his campaign. After all, some things – even convictions – have to be sacrificed when saving the country from vicious republicans, an absolute non-negotiable.
***Be advised that Jay Carney is the new spokesman for the president. Robert Glibs…er, Gibbs (little joke there, for the last time) has joined the president’s campaign team and so will continue to give credence to the term “uh” as virtually sacrosanct (“holy” for recent Harvard grads). Carney has yet to escape the same “uh” worship but, it is at least hoped, will work toward speaking in complete sentences. If you find Carney’s remarks to be unfathomable (“impossible to comprehend,” for recent Yalies, even skull-and-bones), don’t worry because as of now they are. Please check the media carefully to see what he says, what he means, and whether or not he means anything, the goal being smoke-and-mirrors very often in holding press conferences. Give Carney some slack because he is moving from the same job for Vice President Biden, where he was taxed mightily in explaining why “jobs” is a three-letter word and why “fluffernutter,” Biden’s term for everything John Edwards said in 2008, is not in the dictionary.
***With regard to same-sex marriage, the president has decided not to institute this arrangement by executive order, not that he feels he can’t overrule the Congress, Courts and state laws, but because it’s easier to simply ignore these entities. In other words, Attorney General Holder has been instructed not to represent (“defend,” for Princeton grads) the United States in any Court wherein a suit concerning this matter is brought. This will automatically make same-sex marriage legal as a federal matter by default unless and until the Court decides differently. Holder can bring suits (offense) against states that fail to authorize same-sex marriage, just as he has brought suit against Arizona for carrying out federal statutes vis-à-vis immigration. The president is also considering an executive order to set up a commission to study the viability of other types of marriage, such as including three spouses (or more…who’s counting?). He has requested that the DNC submit a red/yellow/black/white paper concerning this matter, but that marriage with a pet is definitely not to be considered, notwithstanding the position of Regulatory Czar Sunstein that pets should have access to lawyers.
***It needs to be made plain in all of your Town-Hall clambakes that the president has not changed his mind about shutting down Guantanamo and trying its clients in U.S. Courts, the clear implication being that Gitmo will never be closed since trying the terrorists there will take many years and decades more keeping the guilty out of circulation, especially since few, if any, countries will accept these murderers. He blames the Congress for his problem since it refused to buy him a prison in Illinois and even made it plain to Holder that they will not be tried anywhere in the U.S. As commander-in-chief, the president can shut down Gitmo at any time but has decided against such action until 2013. The gates can then be opened and the terrorists be given their rights. Fidel Castro has made it plain to the state department that the gates on Cuba’s side will be welded shut in the meantime.
***Be advised that the president has decided to soften all criticism of coal for now. Even though the best brains in the land have agreed that manmade global warming is a hoax, the president promised in 2008 to make carbon-capping so expensive that coal-mining would be bankrupted and intends to keep his word. However, the Middle East crises might do a better job of bankrupting everybody by making gas so expensive that people will be unable to move around…translated, unable to go to work and thus dependent upon the state for everything, the aim of this administration. This amounts to a much better tax upon the people, without the hassle of fighting the Tea Partiers over coal. Rumors that the president has e-mailed Qaddafi his appreciation are untrue and Carney has informed the press that he will not do it again.