From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chair & ’06 Campaign Guru
***It is hoped that all staffers recognize the magnitude of the significant, enormous, devastating, magnificent, stupendous, (your own personal encomium here), outstanding victories gained in the elections, as well as the heads-up leadership that engineered those in-your-face affronts to the president. It is also hoped that everyone will dig in now and work hard toward 2008. A new unit is being installed, the purpose of which is the digging up of any new material that can be used either in impeachment proceedings next month or during any elections anywhere in 2007 to expose suspicious behavior on the part of any republican office-seekers. Note: Do NOT dig up any dirt on either democrats, independents, libertarians, greens, or anyone anywhere in any party or no party whose name bears the slightest resemblance to Murtha, Conyers, Hastings, Jefferson, or Franks. Incidentally, all of these men have sworn that they have done nothing corrupt and will not do so again.
***It has been hoped that aspirants to the presidency in 2008 would be kept to a minimum in the interest of the least amount of bloodletting possible so that candidates would not scandalize fellow candidates to the extent that the voters might consider the whole field to be comprised of mendacious opportunists and lose the election by default. This hope is being dashed as a number of campaigns have already been started, whether in actuality or in doublespeak about exploratory committees and the like. Staffers are warned not to accept offers from candidates at any time soon to either manage or aid their campaigns, since to do so would weaken the DNC operation. Besides, jumping on the wrong bandwagon could be tantamount to falling off the wagon (little joke for those whose escapism from disappointment is hitting the bottle).
***Those who have accused Senator Obama of reverse church-manipulation are directed to read the newest addition to the campaign manual. By constantly campaigning in black churches throughout the 1990s and in 2000 and 2004, candidates Clinton, Gore, Lieberman, Kerry, and Edwards proved the importance of this activity in that 90% of African Americans voted democratic. Senator Obama, in paying heed to the new suggestions appeared in the 20,000-member, practically all-white Saddleback Church in California on AIDS day to introduce the need for black candidates to start manipulating the white churches, practically guaranteeing, according to the pollsters, a democratic vote by urban soccer moms and elderly ladies with blue hair, many of whom have already remarked his charisma. Also following the plan, he will avoid discussing issues and use his charisma for the time being.
***A white paper is being prepared for use in explaining why global warming caused no hurricanes to hit the U.S. this year. This is necessary because a white paper on the subject last year explained why global warming caused all those hurricanes to tear up the Gulf Coast in 2005. A REQUEST: since the weather gurus have said that lower water temperatures in the oceans this year forestalled the hurricanes, and since global warming should have caused the oceans to be hotter this year than last year and do more hurricane damage this year that could be blamed on FEMA, everyone is asked to find experts to refute the finding by the weather people and prove that the waters, if not in the oceans, at least somewhere got colder and perhaps caused tornadoes…at least. There were a number of those. Think the Great Lakes, for instance, or the Mississippi River or the Rio Grande. In this regard, do not – REPEAT – do NOT mention the accusation by the Right Reverend Imam Distinguished Ayatollah Righteous Prophet Louis Farrakhan that president Bush ordered the sabotage of the Lake Pontchartrain levees so that Katrina could flood New Orleans last year. Dan Rather has not yet found the incriminating document to prove this, but he is still searching out the typewriters used by the Army Corps of Engineers in the 1960s, when Bush was seen on a yacht on Lake Pontchartrain, and has said he feels confident that he’s getting closer. When he finds proof, CBS has promised to put it on Sixty Minutes in three segments, engage the appropriate handwriting experts this time, and reinstate Rather to his old job of doing the heavy lifting for the DNC.
***As reported in Memorandum #20, Michael Moore and Minority Party Leader Nancy Pelosi are cooperating on Moore’s new Movie with a working title of Fahrenpeachment –435. The film is already on the way and will feature an embattled president using the army and the Boy Scouts in fighting the House of Representatives to ward off impeachment by keeping Osama from testifying that Cheney planned 9/11 in order to advance Halliburton stock and build a new bird-hunting reserve in Texas. The Dixie Chicks have denied furnishing the background music, tentatively titled Bloodshed and Birdshot, and have stated flatly that they will not do the music again.
***Cindy Sheehan’s Rancho Bushwhacker, near Crawford, Texas, is now off-limits to all DNC staffers, and any expense chits for activities there will not be honored. The rumor that Senator Reid has set up some kind of scheme similar to his recently explained (okay…sort of) land deals and tax stuff connected to them to acquire Rancho Bushwhacker and turn it into the Texas DNC headquarters has not been repeated in this office and will not be repeated again. Also, do not repeat the rumor that Reid will staff the headquarters with members of his family.