From the office of Tim Kaine, chairman, 17 November 2010
***Please be advised that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has declared that the democrats won hugely in the elections, and the wag who posted a note on the bulletin board insisting she meant a Pyrrhic Victory of losing only 60-65 seats will be disciplined as soon as he/she is discovered. That kind of victory belongs to the republicans since they picked up too few Senate seats to govern. Pelosi has been elected to the minority leadership in the new Congress and this ensures that the president’s program will be furthered, albeit through propagandizing rather than through substance. Pelosi has made it plain that losing the most seats in an election since 1948 (or 1932, who’s counting?) is actually a tremendous win since democrats now have the opportunity to blame republicans for every bad thing that happens, in the same vein as the president in blaming Bush for all his troubles, even the accusation of racism when he accused that white policeman of acting stupidly.
***It has come to my attention that there has been snickering around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush/BP/Limbaugh-dartboard to the effect that the appointing of Congressman Clyburn to the new position of Assistant House Leader amounts to condescending patronage. Speaker Peloisi has explained that administering democrats is too heavy a burden for just two new people, her and new Whip Hoyer (though neither one is new – little joke there), and that Clyburn will have specific duties, though no one has thought of them yet. Consequently, it’s been requested of the DNC that a red/yellow/black/white-paper (diversity neutral) be prepared outlining what those duties should be, aside from riding in a chauffeur-driven limo and cadging a huge raise in salary. The wag who pasted Rush Limbaugh’s picture entitled, “Driving Ms. Nancy,” on the bulletin board will be fired or sent to the Durbin Reeducation Camp for proper discipline.
***Regarding the above mentioned matter, the rumor that a special appeal by the Amalgamated Union of Rappers to SCOTUS Judge Sotomayor for an order making Clyburn instead of Pelosi the Minority Leader is untrue, notwithstanding Justice Sotomayor’s ruling a while back that African-American firemen are superior to white firemen in Connecticut because they are black. The reason is obvious, to wit, that fighting fires is not to be compared to fighting republicans. The rumor that Justice Sotomayor, for the same reason, is also working on impeachment proceedings for all the white men on the SCOTUS to be replaced by a group nominated by Al Sharpton is untrue and Sotomayor has promised not to do this again.
*** Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Amos recently publicly expressed disapproval of the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” notwithstanding that the House has voted for repeal, though the Senate has been too chicken to do so. An offshoot organization of the recently discombobulated community organization known as ACORN (formerly represented by Obama), something called NUTCASE (National Utility Tasking Corps for Amenities/Sensitivities in Eroticism), is asking the DNC for volunteers to carry petitions calling for Amos to be cashiered out of the Marines dishonorably, stripped of his rank and pension, and court-martialed for insubordination, since he has publicly defied the Commander-in-Chief, who is an expert on everything military, his main qualification being that he has never been in the military. Volunteers will be rewarded with time-off (a trip to San Francisco for an orgy or three) for this important activity but may not wear rings in either ear while canvassing.
***Planning is in the initial stage for seminars tentatively entitled “How to Succeed in Washington” to be conducted by a select group of Senators and Representatives. The average per capita personal wealth of House members is now $765,010, while that of senators has grown to $2.38 million, making these people experts in how to succeed doing the nation’s business. Congressman Rangel was originally scheduled to head this activity but for reasons noted recently in the media has bowed out, although his commission for carrying out this difficult task was rumored to be a cool $1.5 million and some of the solons thought that looked bad in the current economy. George Soros, who is funding this vital activity while attempting to drive the dollar out of existence, has suggested that Rangel be replaced by Treasury Secretary Geithner, an expert on working the system, as indicated by his proven ability to dodge paying taxes. Only a select group of staffers will be allowed to participate and will be required to submit essays for eligibility based on the subject “From DNC Staffer to Millionaire” in 25 words or less.
***The president has approved of scanners and enhanced pat-downs at airports at least if and/or until the SCOTUS rules these activities un-constitutional. If such a ruling comes down, the president will discharge an executive order continuing the same. This is in line with the administration’s position that the Constitution is old-fashioned, antiquated, anachronistic, age-challenged, and altogether antagonistic, thus in bad need of adjustment, especially in the area of alien arrangements for amnesty. A commission is being impaneled to study this matter, headed by William Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn of Weather Underground, Pentagon-bombing, and cop-killing fame. A special unit is being set up at Guantanamo for instructions in enhanced pat-downs. Any staffer with anything to hide (STDs rumored to be scan-discoverable) is advised to travel by car, train, or whatever cycle/scooter/skateboard is available.
***Most of the banks bailed-out by 800 billion tax-dollars in 2008 paid off their “loans” in a matter of months but staffers are not to make much of this since it tends to prove that the banks were never in trouble in the first place. Also, do not mention that the Wall Street gang is getting even larger bonuses and “golden parachutes” than it cadged before the financial emergency. In this vein, red/yellow/black/white papers are invited regarding the manufacturing of emergencies, which the president agreed with former Staff-chief Emanuel should never be wasted. In other words…the more emergencies the merrier! The president’s friends in big-business love this and those friends contribute to campaigns like mad.
***Under NO circumstances, mention the position of top-democrat propagandist Nobelist Paul Krugman as expressed to a talking-head the other day that the economic/deficit situation will be settled by a combination of death panels and raising taxes. While this is true, most Americans will not like this idea, especially the old codgers who haven’t the decency to make the point moot, in the first place.