From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Bird-Flu expert and Chair, DNC
***It has come to my attention that there’s been some giggling around the water fountain concerning Senator Clinton’s possible use of Botox, with particular emphasis on installing a permanent Jimmy Carter smile/grin/laugh/whatever. This behavior is to stop immediately, but no mention is to be made of the fact that Carter worked so hard on his smile that he injured his jawbone, sometimes referred to as the “jawbone of an ass” (little joke there, but not to be repeated). It has also been rumored that Senator Kerry has resumed Botox treatments, and this rumor is to be stopped immediately, as well, with no mention being made of the senator’s trip to Switzerland in 2004 and being detained at the airport on his return because nobody could see a resemblance of his return-face to the departure-face on his passport. In any case, both have said they’ve never done Botox and will not do it again.
***A white paper is being prepared concerning the change in positions enunciated recently on the Meet the Press program of NBC, an information arm of the DNC, by Senator Obama. Whereas he said upon his election to the Senate in 2004 that he was totally uninterested in the presidency and certainly would not be a candidate, he explained that he made that statement in a moment of passion or exhilaration – whatever, and that he is now ready to boogie (a little nostalgia-term for the baby-boomers) in the big-time (a little cool term for the George Clooney crowd). The white paper will explain Obama’s maturing in the Senate job and remark his extensive seven years or so of qualifying experience in the Illinois legislature. The rumor that Senator Clinton has threatened to move to Illinois (her birth-state anyway) and buy his seat the next time around if he didn’t withdraw is untrue. She has said repeatedly that she didn’t threaten that and that she won’t do it again.
***Everyone is directed to counter any criticism of Minority Leader Senator Reid by mentioning Congressman Foley, since most people prefer a crook to a pedophile. Also, no disposition has been made of Congressman Jefferson’s case, so keep the lid shut on this matter – something he should have done on his deep-freeze when they poked around and found that $90,000 buried under the frozen chicken fingers. Don’t mention this, but he’s working on a plea bargain and has offered to give his house in New Orleans to the homeless, but not until the National Guard returns there and moves all his furniture. He’s dropped his suit against the Guard for tearing up his lawn when that truck was stuck right after Katrina while the Guard guys were moving his other stuff and the unfortunates were over in the Dome wondering where Jefferson was. Jefferson has said he didn’t get that money in a parking garage and that he won’t get any that way again.
***At every opportunity, emphasize that President Bush has exchanged his “stay the course” pitch for the “benchmark” pitch. Make much of the fact that Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki has said he would pay no attention to a benchmark, but play down the fact that he actually thought the term referenced a scar from one’s sitting too long in the park and feeding the ducks. On the subject, make much of the fact that Veep Cheney explained the other day that he sees nothing wrong with water-boarding, but don’t mention that water-boarding is absolutely harmless as a physical matter. Always bring the subject around to the day Cheney shot his hunting-partner in Texas. Dan Rather is working hard on the Cheney matter and has sent word that he may have a document prepared on a Russian Air Guard typewriter that proves Cheney spied for the Russians when he was at Halliburton. The latest word is that Rather has found a Russian interpreter who says he never said that Cheney paid him (for reasons of protection) and that he won’t say it again.
***Please be advised in no uncertain terms that this office never at any time asked the reverends Jackson and Sharpton to pray for another hurricane this year to hit anywhere except New Orleans in order to criticize FEMA. Nor did this office request the Right Most Honorable Reverend Exalted Imam-Ayatollah Doctor Farrakhan to solicit his friend Muammar Qaddafi of Libya in the interest of a donation to the party to cover the shortfall occasioned by unexpected expenses of staffers/protesters at Cindy Sheehan’s Rancho Bushwhacker near Crawford, Texas, during Bush’s vacation. This office has never stooped to do those things and will not do them again.
***Rush Limbaugh has outed passages of Virginia Senate candidate James Webb’s novels in an effort to prove that Webb is somehow hung up on perverted behavior between the sexes and between folks of the same sex. All staffers under the age of 75 are directed not to read these books, since Webb’s literary genius is only for mature adults whose appreciation for imaginative uses of bodily orifices is well defined, and may only be seen as distracting titillation for all others. Let’s keep our minds upon the good work at hand. In any case, Webb has stated flatly that he has written no garbage and will not do so again.
***Michael Moore and Minority Party Leader Nancy Pelosi are cooperating on Moore’s new Movie with a working title of Fahrenpeachment -435. The film is already on the way and will feature an embattled president using the army and the Boy Scouts in fighting the House of Representatives to ward off impeachment by keeping Osama from testifying that Cheney planned 9/11 in order to advance Halliburton stock and build a new bird-hunting reserve in Texas. The Dixie Chicks have denied furnishing the background music, Bloodshed and Birdshot, and have stated flatly that they will not do the music again.
***It’s official now that CNN has presented itself to the DNC as a chief propagandist. The latest airings of a CNN reporter embedded with the terrorists and depicting the killing of American GIs makes CNN a superior station – in the same high echelon as NBC, ABC, al Jazeera, and CBS – that will serve the party well in the run-up to the election. CNN has denied this alleged treason and promised not to do it again.
Halloween costumes featuring Bush with fangs, Cheney with a water-board, and Rice wearing a bloody Guantanamo flag are available and recommended for all rallies. They can be picked up at the headquarters building. Those requesting a costume for Rumsfeld will be disappointed that no one could think of one depicting enough evil to suit him. Suggestions will be appreciated…but hurry!