DNC Memorandum #2 from the office of Chairman/Doctor Dean
* It has come to my attention that former Bill Clinton advisor Dick Morris of toe-sucking-fetish fame has been making the talking-head circuit of late (even on O'Reilly's clambake) and stating unequivocally that Senator Clinton (former first lady 1993-2001 [for college-student volunteers who may not have time away from their coed-dorm fun and games to read newspapers or study history]) will be elected president in 2008. Any DNC staffer who voices agreement with Morris is hereby put on notice that the DNC not only does not agree with Morris, but adamantly opposes any reference even to who might run for the democratic nomination in 2008, much less win the election, although it is a foregone conclusion that the next president will be a democrat and may very likely be a physician, in the vein of the current Senate leader, Dr. Frist. Morris is in the business of selling his books, and has found the mother-lode of promotion - simply be far out, off the wall, bananas, loony-tunes…surely you get the picture. Those agreeing with Morris, after being assigned to the DNC reeducation department in Cambodia for one year, will be given a test to determine if they are blue or red. Those testing red must forfeit their transcriptions of the Dean Scream (whether CD, DVD, DSL, Ipod or whatever) and will be banned from the party.
* It has come to my attention that there are those who believe my statement regarding my hatred of republicans was a bit too strong. Actually, the statement was taken out of context during a conversation in which I said I hated the way the Episcopalians were managing the bike path in my town, and that I went to the Congregationalists because of that. Someone who naturally construed Episcopalian and republican to be synonymous (actually rich/rich) must have distorted my words. In any case, I don't hate all republicans, just those in this country.
* I am trying to set up a regular schedule of sorts for appearances on the Larry King Live television show, sometimes by myself and at other times in tandem with DNC staffers. Those who are interested in participation are directed to make application and will be tested to see if they are qualified. Most will simply be instructed as to how to successfully call-in (PIN given by the shows producers [this info not for public consumption]), as well as what questions are acceptable. In some cases, automatic qualification will be given to staffers who are also members in certain other organizations such as NOW, the Green Party and Nader's Raiders, although those in the latter are warned against bringing up the subject of his possible candidacy in 2008, 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, 2028, and 2032.
* It has come to my attention that Senator Clinton is proposing a national holiday for presidential elections (maybe others, I don't know) so that everyone will have the opportunity to vote. The DNC will be against this since it is axiomatic that workers use holidays for recreation, shopping, getting high, sleeping, getting drunk, or general mayhem, and it is inconceivable that democrats, especially, being the laid-back fun-lovers that they are, not to mention spending quality time with their families, can profit from Clinton's suggestion. The stuffy republicans, not your average fun souls, are likely to gain from Clinton's approach, not to mention that they are too tight to go on traditional holiday anyway and thus might consider voting a cheap "fun thing" to do. I have also heard that Senator Clinton is proposing that felons be given the vote. Feel free to mention this since the DNC is all for it, common knowledge being that the vast majority of felons are fun-loving democrats, many of whom were incarcerated for just having a good time.
* In view of the president's signing of the act restricting frivolous class-action lawsuits, there will be a special effort made to win back the resulting loss of expected support of the DNC by the Trial Lawyers Associations, a virtual cash-cow for the democrats. Any suggestions, no matter how fervently thought trivial, will be welcome. In the meantime, make yourself valuable to the TLAs by informing them of the counties most susceptible to granting large awards. Presently, Madison County, Illinois, is the very best venue for a class action lawsuit. Be careful in making public announcements not to mention the lawyer/plaintiff rake-offs in class action suits. Do not, repeat, DO NOT interview any plaintiffs paid by coupons while their lawyers rake in millions. Until the new law takes effect, all TLA practitioners will be contacted by the DNC and given every shred of evidence leading potentially to any type of class-action suit. In this regard, DNC interviewers are now busy in Baltimore and Atlanta looking for anyone who has spilled a hot cup of coffee from any fast-food provider in the general area of the crotch, with a view toward having any action filed in Madison County, Illinois, where the DNC is polling the citizens regarding burned crotches and what a favorable verdict might entail.
* A white paper is being prepared at headquarters dealing with Secretary Rice's recall of the U.S. ambassador to Syria and the possible expulsion from Washington of the Syrian ambassador to this country, because of the recent assassination of Mr. Hariri in Beirut. If this matter arises in any of your meetings before you receive the DNC official position paper, cite the fact that nobody actually knows who murdered Mr. Hariri and those other poor wretches unlucky enough to be in the vicinity of the explosion, which, in any case, made a crater only 30 feet wide. Also, make the point that governmental matters are often settled in the Middle East by bombings and the like and that the secretary should not have gotten her nose bent out of joint over something so routine. Since democrats in Congress who were against the Afghanistan- and Iraq-actions are now screaming for the president to "do something" about naughty Syria, work hard on the lessons on ambiguity that are on pg. 38 of the 2004 manual so that you will not offend anyone, no matter where he/she stands on the matter. Senator Kerry is a good resource person in the area of ambiguity, and you can learn much from his explanation of his first voting for and then against the Iraq thing. DO NOT mention further, or at least until notified differently, that the DNC chairman was always against the Iraq action, since the public seems not to agree with an obviously superior intellect.
* Progress has been good up to this point. Former president Clinton has not meddled. Neither has Senator Clinton. Senator Kerry is staking out his territory for 2008, but ignore that fact for now. If pushed in the matter, just quote Dick Morris concerning Ms Clinton, using your skills in the ambiguity area, but do not mention the toe fetish. Former veep Gore is undecipherable as of now, so don't mention him, and change the conversation vis-à-vis John Edwards if it trends toward a discussion of trial lawyers. Everyone must be kept happy…at least for now.