From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, chairperson, 14 April 2009
***IMPORTANT!!! All staffers are to be aware of the latest bulletin from the Dept. of Homeland Security regarding returning war veterans and their proclivity for joining right-wing extremist-groups, hanging on to their M-16s and threatening everyone from homosexuals to soccer-moms. Also, it further warned law enforcement to watch out for individuals with "radical" ideologies based on Christian views and to be suspicious of anyone in cars with bumper-stickers supporting third-party candidates next year, or republicans for that matter. The new DHS motto is Remember Timothy McVeigh and Oklahoma City 1995. Since about 25 million veterans have been around since WWI, the OC bombing represents odds of 25,000,000-to-1 that such a thing can happen again – too risky by half. Anyone seeing a returning vet looking suspiciously at anything, even as he innocently slurps an ice cream, is to report him immediately to the DHS, DNC, FBI, CIA, DEA, NIC, NSA, BSA, and Baskin-Robbins. Anyone hearing a preacher mention the battle of Jericho or a choir singing “Battle Hymn of the Republic” is to do the same…and then dig a foxhole, even if on the freeway. A Veteran/Christian Awareness Day is being planned and details will be forthcoming, complete with directions for self-protection, and Michael Moore is considering a documentary on how to deal with returning veterans.
***Congressman Donald Payne of the Congressional Black Caucus has requested that all community organizers emphasize that Somali pirates DID mortar him in Mogadishu, Somalia, on his recent trip there to bring peace to the Middle East by holding afternoon teas for the pirates not actively engaged at sea practicing their craft, in order to follow the president’s position that talking will solve most problems. Mr. Payne is anxious that people not believe he made up this attack since they probably remember State Secretary Clinton’s yarn about running for her life in Bosnia in 1996 to escape the snipers gunning for her and Chelsea, while she was acting in the official position of First Lady. The rumor that Payne has requested the Silver Star for gallantry is untrue, and Mr. Payne has said he will not ask again.
***Michael Moore, senior propagandist and movie-maker, is working on a new film tentatively entitled “Tap-dancing on the Potomac,” featuring a Bo-Jangles-type entertainer/community-organizer/law-school-professor who makes it from the slums of Chicago all the way to the White House, where he exercises on the swimming pool waves instead of running around outside in short pants with a bevy of secret service agents gasping, cursing, and constantly dropping their guns. All staffers are urged to be on the lookout for further information, especially noting the poster at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue-state-map, and Bush-dart-board.
***It has been duly noted that staffers are hearing and reporting grumbling by people concerning Treasury Secretary Geithner’s non-payment of taxes-due for the two years negated by the statute of limitations. The secretary has been contacted about this and has stated that he paid-up for the two years for which he was caught and that $34,000 is quite enough. At the suggestion of the president, his staff is completing a white paper outlining why it is patriotic to pay taxes. Vice President Biden is contributing by explaining that paying taxes is more patriotic than giving to charity, but noted that despite that fact he averaged giving $369 per year over the last decade to charity, thus proving both his point and his laudatory magnanimity. As a gesture to this philanthropic cause celebre (little French there for Senator Kerry), each staffer’s pay will be docked by $369 in the next pay-period. Those experiencing the hardship risked by the vice president will be eligible for food stamps.
***The recent 5-day mission (not a spring vacation on the government dime) to Cuba by seven members of the Congressional Black Caucus was designed to further efforts to bring about cordial relations between that paradise and the U.S., sometimes referred to in the caucus as the “axis of evil,” stretching from California to the New York Island. This is in line with the president’s thinking as displayed in London (or somewhere over there) during the G-20 meeting, when he labeled the U.S. as arrogant and accused the U.S. of being dismissive and derisive regarding Olde Europe. This is the time, i.e., for eating humble pie for becoming a superpower and even having Disney-World, a frivolous waste of private money, when public money could have been used, as is the case now with the stimulus blowout, though the rumor that Geithner plans to take-over all theme-parks and fire their CEOs is untrue, unless they are partly owned by AIG, which seems to have a piece of everything in the world and is rumored to own all of San Francisco, which it is trying to sell to Hugo Chavez and Jimmy Carter.
***In keeping with his promise to make government a stimulus-driven prime employer, as exemplified in the current hiring of 250,000 people to sweep trails in the national parks, the president has just hired columnist Rosa Brooks, who moonlights as a professor of law at Georgetown University, to the job of policy-advisor to the under-secretary of defense, or something like that. In the same spirit, this will occasion at least two more jobs: under-secretary to the under-secretary of defense and an under-policy-advisor to the policy-advisor to the under-secretary to the under-secretary. Brooks recently wrote, “It's time for a government bailout of journalism.” This makes her, ipso facto, a prime candidate for a job in effecting the stimulus philosophy, especially since newspapers are going bankrupt on a daily basis. Indeed, she helped rescue the Los Angeles Times by taking this job and therefore removing from the paper a liability known as paycheck. The rumor is that another 250,000 will be hired to clean the horse-stalls in the national parks, whether there are any horses or not. As the president has ordered, all employees, even computer techies, will be given shovels, no matter the nature of their jobs.
***The president’s upcoming trip to Mexico and then to a summit meeting in Trinidad/Tobago will feature apologies for this country’s international intentional insensitivity, much like his effort during and after the G-20 meeting, where the president took the opportunity to apologize everywhere from London to Turkey and many points between, although he adamantly insists he did not – repeat – DID NOT genuflect to the Saudis. He just had a leg cramp that caught him right in front of the prince or potentate or whatever. He’s taking the apology tour early in his tenure because President Clinton waited until his last year before traveling to Africa to apologize for everything from Monica to the riots in Zimbabwe and was consequently accused of putting Africa last in his concerns, a no-no for the black vote. President Obama plans to have apologized to every country by the fourth of July (except Great Britain, of course, for obvious reasons). In the Caribbean meeting, he will apologize while surfing and snorkeling in order to enhance his credibility.
***Be careful at the republican Tea Parties on the 15th and report any known tax-dodgers to the DHS, DNC, FBI, CIA, DEA, NIC, NSA, BSA, except for those in the administration.