From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 22 June 2011
***Listen UP! There has been dereliction of duty in the DNC. A request was made in last month’s memo for a red/yellow/black/white-paper describing the reasons POTUS has been bombing Libya since March. Thus far, only two papers have been received, with one locating Libya in California and the other wondering if Libya is in POTUS’s denomination and needed retribution instead of prayer. Both were from Harvard graduates, who have been assigned to the Everglades for door-to-door organizing. Since 24 Libyans, none of whom were soldiers, were wasted in raids over the weekend, either NATO’s aim is worse than Cheney’s or there’s something rotten in Demark (not a racist remark because I say it isn’t). Possible research sources are Britain, France, Italy and Senator McCain, all of whom are gung-ho for wiping Libya off the map without putting boots on the ground. If possible, make the paper 25 words or less since POTUS maintains that amount of verbiage to comprise the attention-span of the public. This is why his speeches are long and often…no harm can be done after the first 25 words, whether teleprompted or not.
***Account former Congressman Weiner’s bizarre activities of late, liberalism has been given a bad name and, consequently, must be refurbished. The wag who posted on the bulletin board that a Weiner/Frank garnished with exotic sauces will soon be served in the House cafeteria has been banished to digging up dirt on Rand Paul, starting with the fact that the latest al Qaeda goons were arrested in his hometown. In any case, the Weiner/Frank will be served with the usual – catsup and mustard. A good starting point for reestablishing credibility will be researching all Congressmen and CongressWOMEN to discover how many served well in either Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, but certainly not in both. That would only add to the problem.
***Make every effort to quash the rumor that the First Lady and her mother and daughters each had her own Air Force plane for the goodwill trip to South Africa. The rumor has come about, apparently, because POTUS and FL needed three planes just to have a date in NYC soon after the wearying inauguration. Also, no mention is to be made concerning the actual number of planes, helicopters, armored cars, secret service agents, hairdressers, marines, personal chefs, personal dry-cleaners, costume/dress designers, vegetarian gurus, food-tasters, etc., were needed for this important trip. When questioned about these apparent extravagances, mention that Hillary visited at least 75 countries when she was first lady and even camped out in Morocco.
***In town-hall meetings, stress the fact that SCOTUS erred in ruling against the class-action suit brought against WalMart by 1.6 million women employees or former employees. Though eight justices agreed in one part of the ruling, the main ruling was agreed to by five men. All the SCOTUS women voted to make the 1.6 million plaintiffs wealthy even if bankrupting WalMart were the outcome. This is further evidence that men are not capable of running the country, and no apology is offered herein to DNC male-staffers who might think of suing the DNC over this statement. It is not discriminatory or sexist because the chairWOMAN says it isn’t. Facts are facts.
***Chief DNC propagandist and movie producer Michael Moore is planning a new movie tentatively entitled The Guantanamo Brief. It will feature the actions of a Mississippi lawyer protecting a president from underhanded actions by scurrilous republicans determined to stop POTUS from closing the terrorist prison on the island shared with Cuba. Moore has been denied the use of Guantanamo as the location by the military but is appealing to POTUS, who, as commander-in-chief in an election cycle, is deciding whether or not to intervene, meaning that he’s keeping a close eye on the polls. If POTUS reads the polls as negative, the movie location will be moved to just the other side of the gate at Guantanamo and rented from Fidel Castro or his brother Raoul (who knows who’s calling the shots there?), who has promised Moore that he will furnish all the torture-victims for the realistic torture-scenes, actual water-boarding included, even though it has been declared as non-torture since it neither injures nor kills. Moore is deciding whether or not Cubans could be made to look like Arabs and is devising applications for potential Obama-look-alikes.
***Be aware, account the Libyan action, that the term “no-fly-zone” has been redefined. It now includes, besides planes and helicopters, birds (especially birds of prey), butterflies and other creatures that can be used for carrying chemicals or small nuclear warheads and programmed as to available sites for dive-bombing activity. This explains why NATO pilots often kill civilians, the reason being that their ammo has already destroyed creatures defying the new no-fly-zone, which nevertheless lack the mass to slow the ammo before it hits the ground or a child or whatever else has no right to be in a certain place at the wrong time. This is very important to POTUS since the old no-fly-zone was accomplished four days after the action started on 19 March, while attacks have been continued ever since, meaning that this should be part of the reasoning as the red/yellow/black/white-papers are prepared. Also, since Defense Secretary Gates announced in Moscow that the action was done “on-the-fly,” implying no planning, the actual definition for this term is “strategic planning via leading from behind,” thus describing POTUS’s genius in military matters.