DNC Memorandum #19

From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Bird-Flu expert and Chair DNC

[1] It has come to my attention that staffers gathered at the bottled-water dispenser have been discussing a rumored trip to France by Senator Kerry to meet with important Iraqis from the sunni and shia persuasions in an effort to get American GIs out of their country. The trip is said to be planned to mark the 35th anniversary of Senator Kerry’s testimony in 1971 before the Senate Fulbright Committee, in which he noted his trip to France in 1970 to meet with important people on both sides in the Vietnam affair that took President Nixon far too long to end. The senator is qualified to speak for democrats on the matter, since he indicated to Tim Russert, part of the NBC-DNC propaganda-arm, that Americans are invading Iraqi homes in the middle of the night and rousting women and children, just as he indicated to the 1971 committee that the U.S. was responsible for the murders (the senator’s words) of 200,000 Vietnamese per year. Rumors that Jane Fonda plans to ride a Taliban army-camel on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border are untrue, however, and neither rumor is to be repeated outside DNC headquarters. Please NOTE: Senator Kerry has said he did not throw his medals over the fence and that he won’t do it again. Also, reports that he was so proud of his silver star that he had it bronzed are also untrue.

[2] It has not been verified that Osama bin Laden is dead, though it is rumored that he missed a beheading session last week. The three women who were to suffer the knife called themselves the “Dixie Burkas” and had been heard singing the American hit tune of 1932 “I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead, You Rascal, You” while wearing Dolly Parton rhinestone outfits. Half the men in Kabul had agreed to be witnesses if the Burkas were to appear in costume to receive their sentences, but had to hit a dime at 200 meters with an AK-47 for the privilege. Only 25 were killed in the process and only 10 “Dixie Burkas” protesters have been killed in religious demonstrations ordered when word got out that the ladies had done the Can-Can in the town square. Someone mistakenly labeled their dance the Koran-Can. The proper bumper stickers and posters are being made with ObL’s picture and the message TRACKED HIM DOWN, HUH? – HA, HA, 43.

[3] There’s no truth to the charge that someone here wrote his UN speech for Venezuelan President Chavez, though much can be made of the fact that Chavez takes a back seat to no one – especially President Bush – in religious matters, since he made the sign-of-the-cross at the very beginning and looked heavenward, a nice touch, since 43 always tacks on a “God bless” at the end of his speeches as sort of an afterthought. HEADSUP: Do NOT make references to Chavez’s calling the president a devil, since we call him worse than that every day, as do 98% of all the pundits, TV talking-heads on Christ Mathews’ show, and Michael Moore. Mr. Moore has about finished his movie FAHRENHEIT – MINUS LEVEE 3. The Right Reverend Honorable Historic Legendary Minister Doctor Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, has been the chief consultant for the film, since he is the only one having firsthand knowledge of the Bush/Rumsfeld/Rice/007 plot to flood the black folk in New Orleans with Lake Pontchartrain. Feel free to use the “Millions More Movement” theme from last October, “Remember New Orleans,” when preparing campaign materials, but do not – repeat – do NOT use any pictures of the RRHHLMD Farrakhan at his special throne in Washington from which no one else was allowed to make a speech.

[4] The DNC is attempting to set up a non-partisan symposium that will deal with the “torture problem” facing the administration currently. The logical choices for the republicans will be Senators McCain, Warner, and Graham, though it may be hard to schedule McCain because of conflicts with his daily multi-network TV appearances. Senator Leahy has leaked (what else is new – little innocent joke there) that he would like to appear, as well as Senators Schumer and Feingold. Schumer may be out because he has a tendency to froth at the mouth when in the presence of normal people, and Feingold might be a bad choice because he tends to mumble “Alito…Alito…Alito” when not actually speaking himself. Nancy Pelosi might have been a good choice but she called Chavez or Ahmadinejad a thug right when we’re getting these gentlemen to recognize the importance of a democrat victory at least in 2008 – if not this year in the Congress – which will mean American GIs leaving as the presidential oath or the congressional oaths are administered, whichever come first. Senator Kennedy said he would appear if no mention is made of water-boarding, the reason being obvious. The floor is open for suggestions as to which democrats should be invited, but Cindy Sheehan will not be considered. Since Warner, McCain, and Graham have extensive military careers, try to think of a democrat in that light.

[5] The campout/protest at the Cindy Sheehan spread – called Rancho Bushwhacko – held near 43’s outfit during his vacation was a huge success with the exception that virtually nothing was said in the press or anywhere else about it, not even about the celebrated bra-burning barn-dance sponsored by NOW to honor German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who was attacked on the shoulders by Bush at the G-8 summit, though Jimmy Carter did not stay away because his suggestion of burning the bras in the Alamo (to protest violently swiping Texas from Mexico) was not followed. The party, though certainly not strapped for cash, would appreciate it if everyone who can afford it would not turn in expense chits. Those who won’t make this sacrifice are reminded that only ground transportation and $5.00 per day for food qualify as expense items. Search your consciences – for the good of the party. Note: Larry King Live would have been aired there, but King’s weekend crew was on duty and couldn’t find Texas, much less Crawford, much less Rancho Bushwhacko. Seems they wound up in Crawford, Indiana, wearing ten-gallon Stetsons, turquoise earrings/nose-rings/tongue-rings, and lewd tattoos, so they were picked up by the police and “returned to” Guadalajara.

[6] Minority leader Nancy Pelosi has assured me that impeachment papers have already been drawn up, so let’s go, gang, and get our guys elected this November. The I proceeding will be the best show in town, and the DNC has authorized CBS, another propaganda arm, to re-hire Dan Rather to cover it, so no stone will be left unturned-up and all pertinent documents will be found.