From the office of Tim Kaine, chairman, 23 October 2010
***Just a reminder that everyone needs to be proud of the president and first lady account their unflagging campaigning for the democrats who are considered most vulnerable to defeat 02 November! The president has made the backyard-warm-fuzzy-hug-fest the envy of even John Edwards, who developed this style during the last election cycle. The president has blamed George Bush for every bad thing that has happened since 1946, the year of his birth, but keeps hearing mutterings about the economy and high unemployment rate being his own fault. Therefore, he’s requested a list of new things for which Bush can be blamed and which fit easily on a teleprompter, especially the backyard type that can be folded and carried by a peon. The president has already mentioned Bush’s tree-chopping that results in harmful deforestation but anyone with knowledge of his enhancing global warming by, for instance, not using a hybrid-tractor or exhaling CO2 more than inhaling O2 is directed to report such things immediately.
***The first lady has also requested a red/yellow/black/white (non-discriminating) paper on the reasons she is now proud to be an American, a distinct change from her position in 2008, when she was earning only a paltry $300,000 per year as some sort of vice president or occupying some other seat-warming position at the University of Chicago, and therefore suffering financial persecution and also suffering racial discrimination because she wasn’t the university’s president. Since taking office with the president, sort of like the Clinton twofer, she’s had little time to sort out her reasons for liking the country now, not least because of her travels outside the country to places like Paris and Spain to represent the best of America, and to the beaches in New England to campaign for low-fat diets and high-carbohydrate cars, speaking of which, staffers will soon be using only electric cars, necessitating plans for travel of no more than 80 miles per day. Anyone caught discombobulated on an interstate account a dead battery will be disciplined by having to listen to replays of Glenn Beck radio/TV shows 12 hours a day for a week.
***Michael Moore’s new movie predicated on Beck’s 400,000-person “mall brawl” (his terminology) and tentatively titled The Mad Fool of the Reflecting Pool is in the editing stage. Beck will appear as a wiccan foaming at the mouth and pronouncing curses on republicans, the Tea party, John Boehner, Goldman-Sachs, and then finally executing the founding fathers through channeling them via Eleanor Roosevelt via Hillary Clinton, known for her seances with Eleanor. Three deranged Pentecostals named Faith, Hope and Charity will do the deed and burn the Constitution, the latter as they morph into federal judges in California. Congress, no longer needed, will be annihilated through trauma caused by being made to read the bills it has passed. The movie promises to be a sellout.
***Staffers are warned about duties in California connected with the campaign of Senator Boxer with regard to addressing the senator always as Senator Boxer, certainly not by Ms., Madame, or Fido (little joke there). The senator was forced to reprimand Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh in a Senate hearing concerning Katrina for answering her using the address “ma’am,” which is standard in the army for addressing female officers. She let him know she preferred to be called Senator. If she was being testy then, imagine her state of mind these days in a tough race to keep her seat, so be warned. Anyone who forgets may be on the receiving end in the ear of a copy of the Health-care bill that at 2,000+ pages weighs a ton and can make one feel as if he’s the Cleveland Browns quarterback under full concussion.
***In a conference call last month to a few thousand religious leaders, the president made the statement: “Get out there and spread the word.” Nasty republicans have complained that he was un-separating church and state, a no-no under the First Amendment, even accusing him of putting the tax-exempt status of the churches involved in jeopardy. Press guru Robert Glibs (Gibbs…another little joke there) is putting out a statement explaining that the president was simply exhorting all the folks of the cloth to go out in the highways and the hedges (little scripture there…Luke 14:23) and get on the street corners (Matthew 6:5) to bring the Word and make their prayers…just encouraging them to do their thing…had nothing to do with elections, legislation or anything governmental. However, any staffer who can discover a biblical mandate concerning voting democrat instead of anything else will be rewarded with a three-day trip to Manhattan for the purpose of admiring the future site of the newest Muslim mosque to be built near Ground Zero, with the understanding that she/he will face east five times a day (Harvard grads may need help with this) and listen to the muzzeins’ practice their future call to prayer.
*** Since an effort must be made in the South to gain support, the effort must be made to understand NASCAR, church revivals, and at least a passing knowledge of the names of Confederate Civil War generals. Be sure to accuse Sherman and U.S. Grant of perfidy, but only in the South. Do this with care because there is a handful of media types who might leak this in the North, although most of them wouldn't know Confederate generals from the Notre Dame backfield of 1939. Cultivate a taste for grits and hominy, and DO NOT grimace when eating these foods. While they may appear as poisonous to the palate, former chairman Doctor Dean assures that they will not harm and may even aid and abet the workings of the alimentary canal. If this should overly happen, be sure to have on hand at all times a bottle of Pepto-Bismol or Imodium. If you should actually like these foods, you may need to be reeducated at an indoctrination facility soon to be established, since you may be more red than blue.