DNC Memorandum #18

From the office of the chairWOMAN 24 September 2015

***Listen up! Note: This appeared in a previous memorandum and is reproduced because of continued laxity: “The chairWOMAN is not happy with current efforts by young staffers (nearly everyone) to mentor young people regarding ACA. [Note: The term Obamacare is no longer in use. Never use it in any meetings except those involving people who can be expected to come up with big dollars. When in union meetings, avoid the subject altogether.] A check with the healthcare people (at least the ones who could be found—little joke there) has revealed that many staffers have elected to pay the fine instead of enrolling in a plan. This sets a bad example, so sign up, never mind if you're still on your parents' policies. Take responsibility.” This applies even if you can do five pushups, have a BMI in the low-20s, and have never been sick. In this regard, POTUS has promised to think again about enforcing the employer-mandate provision, hinting that he will do that on 20 January 2017 if his thinking evolves appropriately.

***In meetings this week, be especially respectful to the Pope (Catholic head honcho, for Harvard, Yale graduates who may not have heard of him), never mind that he might still be aligning himself with those wicked/insensitive evangelicals—especially Baptists—on the subjects of marriage, homosexuality and sex in general (exempting pedophilia, of course). POTUS has declared that the “new normal” now is homosexual and that he's evolving toward a new understanding of transgender-status as also normal, and has hired architects to redesign the White House bathroom configuration for homosexual activity, transgender comfort, and simply generic (for the straights and Qs [still searching for their sexual identities?]). In this regard, POTUS is asking the Rev. Jesse Jackson to change the logo of his clambake from the rainbow to something else and has insisted that “rain-bowing” the White House when SCOTUS had the same-sex epiphany was not a copyright infringement, since Noah started it a few thousand years ago.

***Even though he remarked her/his courage and even twittered same, the rumor that POTUS plans to award the Medal of Honor to Caitlin (nee Bruce) is patently untrue. As noted before, HHS is planning a homosexual manual for people who may not understand the sexual ecstasies connected to becoming the “new normal.” Former condom-queen Sandra Fluke will prepare a chapter on “safe government-supplied fun-and-games for all genders.” POTUS is planning to discontinue one military-medal (probably the bronze star) and replace it with a medal for bravery to be awarded anyone who comes out instead of being outed. For those protecting clothes from pin-holes, the medal will be configured to fit an ear-lobe, lower lip, or eyebrow, or as a necklace, whichever is preferred, and colored to match an appropriate tattoo in close proximity.

***I have heard giggling around the diet-enhanced, sugar-free, caffeine-free, calorie-free, taste-free, pork-free, beef-free, nicotine-free (unless POTUS lights up) and un-carbonated soft-drink/snack/vegan machines in the Bush dart-board area concerning the possible need of VPOTUS for speech- or anecdote-writers in case he decides to get in the race (third time a charm?), thus being rude and mean to a woman—not Bernie Sanders (for the same crowd mentioned above). WARNING! A possible jail-sentence awaits anyone who writes or says that Hillary Clinton is the first mainstream feminine-American who is articulate, and bright and clean. This is what VPOTUS said in 2007 about the first mainstream African American, referencing POTUS at the time. That was all in good fun then since VPOTUS was also running to be POTUS but, like then fellow-senator-loser Chris Dodd, made the fatal mistake of dodging the debate sponsored by the LGBTQ folks. Also, do not—REPEAT—do NOT go near a library or browser since you may be tempted to plagiarize someone else's speech, especially one of Irish extraction.

***POTUS plans a new executive order mandating updated enforceable tire-pressures on every kind of vehicle from baby-carriages to motorcycles to cars to trucks (even skateboards—little joke there), which means a new bureaucracy in the Transportation Department (job opportunity for crowd mentioned above) to handle on-site inspections. As already known, POTUS intends to change the climate before 2017, thus this activity is of extreme importance. There will also be regulations governing the kind, ply and usage of toilet tissue, the type and size of light bulbs (with smokeless candles an alternative), the flatulence of cattle and pigs (humans a bit later when people get used to the program and may be allowed to measure their own) and tobacco. For instance, a snuff-user can be arrested for spitting in a public place (baseball players exempted) or a smoker for dropping his/her butt on the ground. Staffers are encouraged to urge their friends to apply, though an applicant must have proof of accident insurance for obvious reasons. Being kicked by a cow or redneck snuffer is no laughing matter.

***POTUS is preparing to campaign for all democrats who are seeking or re-seeking office next year. To date, he has not been invited by any candidates but it's early in the game, though he will inform all candidates of his offer. Please contact the office-seekers in your respective states and urge them to apply early. Applicants must be able to supply extra security and guarantee that no one with pies, eggs, tomatoes or other objects for throwing purposes are allowed anywhere near POTUS.

***Currently, one of the two front-running candidates might be facing criminal charges (email ignorance no excuse) and the other believes everyone living comfortably should pay the government 90% of income, meaning that a tie-breaker, particularly a first-timer woman, might be needed, especially one 25 years younger than available options. So...keep that in mind as you accept my sincerest thanks for—I mean REALLY—doing such good, marvelous, fantastic, overwhelming—REALLY—great work.

And so it goes.
Jim Clark