From the office of the chairWOMAN, 11 December 2014
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since September. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairWOMAN account having to further deal with the IRS scandals, the Benghazi slaughter, Fast-and-Furious, Syria, ISIS, Ferguson, torture, Gruber, open borders, executive orders rewriting Obamacare/Immigration laws and the election in November, which at best was a Pyrrhic Victory for the republicans since they now have to fix the mess caused mostly by Pelosi and Reid (little joke[rs] there). Pursuant to the “Gruber Hearing” of the tenth, a new DNC agency labeled the Section for Consulting Healthcare Underwriters Managing Erratic Results (or SCHUMER, for short) is being organized and its mission/contents pinned soon to the Bush Dart-Board, now located by the salt-sugar-lactose-peanut-caffeine-free candy-machine, speaking of which everyone is urged to try the new yogurt-spinach-bar that can be ingested, injected or snorted, with a mortar and pestle and/or saline solution provided for the latter two.
***Staffers are directed to NOT—repeat—NOT mention former Defense Secretary Hagel's name unless it is unavoidable such as in the currently hostile press conferences. If the subject arises, the official line is that Hagel is suffering from PTSDDD (post traumatic stress defense department disorder, for recent Yale graduates on staff). Also, no interviews are to be scheduled with anyone connected to Fox News regarding any subject, especially with the lady-anchors, whose bare shoulders and thighs and outrageous cleavage-displays are designed for the huge republican-voting men's audience, which has the same degree of reverse hostility toward Obama as the New Black Panthers have for Georgia-crackers.
***The Gruber brouhaha has attracted unattractive worldwide attention (called L'Affaire Gruber-Mal in France, for instance). This has made it necessary to properly vet all individuals who are in any way connected to government or the DNC. The president, as well as Al Sharpton, his current aide-de-camp, does not trust the FBI, CIA, DEA, EPA, FEMA, the DCI or even OSHA to do the job so another DNC agency is being structured currently for requiring that every operative submit to the Mandatory Intelligence Testing agency (MIT, for short) before taking a job, with the exception of anyone responsible for the president's teleprompters for obvious reasons. In this regard, the wag who clandestinely left in the lounge that poster of the president saying that POLICE ACT STUPIDLY will be sent to the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag when apprehended, regarding which Durbin will offer an end-of-year seminar on the similarity of American GIs to keepers of Stalin's gulags, Pol Pot's killing fields, and Hitler's Storm Troopers, a reprise of his statements during the Iraq War.
***The chairWOMAN has been rumored to have said in a speech to the Girl Scouts of Florida that women are justifiably and gradually taking over the government. This rumor is unfounded and the chairWOMAN will not say that again. However, she resents the complaints accruing to the Helen Reddy version of I Am Woman being played over the sound-system throughout the building on the hour. Women are now acting as observers of SEAL training in preparation for their joining the SEALS in the near future. The president requested a year ago a DNC red/yellow/black/white paper to explain why this is both necessary and useful. Only one paper has been submitted and this is unacceptable, so be forewarned...heads will roll if someone doesn't think of at least one valid reason other than “looks cute in uniform.”
***The evil Fox News perpetrators of perverse propaganda cited the president's 20-minute speech on the night of the Ferguson Grand Jury decision as a declaration of war against the police and his next-day travel to Chicago (aka the Illinois killing-fields) as his first campaign stop to promote it, especially as an answer to white racism in general and police racism in particular. The DNC has been tasked to spin this Fox egregiousness into the POTUS's love for the uniforms, but not to mention—NOT MENTION—his race in connection to the last two presidential elections. This is called “grubering,” perfectly acceptable in civil discourse since everyone knows the voters, or at least republican voters, are stupid and haven't noticed.
***As mentioned in September, POTUS is still considering instituting a Department of Gender and has requested another yellow/black/white/red paper on how to do this while still awaiting word from the LBGTQ group as to how many genders there are. This hasn’t been settled yet mainly because the American Conference of Transitioning and Ultimate Personhood (known for short as ACT-UP) still threatens to sue something or somebody if not included in the gender-count, but certainly not in the Q group. Also, a complaint from something called the Platonic Education Department Of Pleasing Habituations in Loving Eroticism (PEDOPHILE, for short) has been lodged with AG Holder, claiming gender-status and threatening action from some Catholic priests account violation of First Amendment rights. The DNC is preparing a summary of Plato's Symposium for all staffers in readiness for any sign that POTUS has evolved on this matter as he did regarding same-sex marriage.
***Be thinking seriously about 2016. Hillary at last report is receiving treatment for CLD (Compulsive Lying Disorder) and should be campaign-tuned for next year's early start. Elizabeth Warren's half-breed (with a little pilgrim thrown in) image is a great crowd-pleaser and she has promised to know the state capitals by April. The thought that another male of any color might be elected is simply too much.
***Have a GREAT HOLIDAY but remember that any mention of Christmas—if found out—means a pink slip.
And so it goes.