From the office of the chairWOMAN 15 February 2014
***Listen up! The chairWOMAN is not happy with current efforts by young staffers (nearly everyone) to mentor young people regarding ACA. [Note: The term Obamacare is no longer in use. Never use it in any meetings except those involving people who can be expected to come up with big dollars. When in union meetings, avoid the subject altogether.] A check with the healthcare people (at least the ones who could be found—little joke there) has revealed that many staffers have elected to pay the fine instead of enrolling in a plan. This sets a bad example, so sign up, never mind if you're still on your parents' policies. Take responsibility.
***It has come to my attention that some staffers have been heard at the diet, sugar-free, caffeine-free, calorie-free, taste-free and de-carbonated soft-drink machine gossiping about congressional staffers being excluded from ACA requirements, and even many Congress-persons. Be advised that these people are too important to be expected to bother with the sign-up process, which still takes days or weeks to complete, if at all. There has also been giggling heard since that article in the papers about half of all Congress-people being millionaires. Wealth is relative and no one here can understand it, much less smirk about it. As a Congress-person of longstanding, I can attest to this. I am underpaid, overworked and tired of being in the minority. My salary here makes it barely possible for me to own five cars, a yacht and three houses. Handling wealth is a hard job.
***POTUS remains in campaign mode, which means that he has little time for even making notes for speeches, much less writing them. His latest advancement in governing is the “pen-and-phone” technique he's described recently, particularly in the state-of-the-union speech. For recent Harvard graduates, this means that he will harangue legislators only occasionally but sign executive orders for implementing everything from coal mine toilet paper measurements to regulating the number of times a citizen can sneeze in a public place. He needs red/yellow/black/white papers explaining why this is necessary—NOTE! These papers are sometimes used as speeches on teleprompters, so be sure to add info in the margins as to when to look solemn, grin, toss the head, smirk, wait for applause, etc. The s-of-u speech was so dull it was feared that Boehner would join VPOTUS in sleeping through it.
***The “new normal” now is homosexual. FLOTUS invited an NBA homosexual (though currently unemployed...but don't mention that) to the s-of-u speech for being brave enough to come out. Disregard Al Sharpton's remark that since he was black the former player had to sit in the gallery. Sharpton sometimes forgets FLOTUS is also black. FLOTUS also called and congratulated a college football player for coming out, though he did so only after the season was over and a mean conservative media person was about to out him anyway. He was still brave. Feel free to encourage people to go homosexual if they haven't already because the tax-breaks are great for hookups in homosexual marriages. HHS, if it ever straightens out ACA, is planning a homosexual manual for people who may not understand the sexual ecstasies also connected to becoming the “new normal.” Former condom-queen Sandra Fluke will prepare a chapter on “safe government-supplied” fun and games for all genders. POTUS is planning to discontinue one military-medal and replace it with a medal for bravery to be awarded homosexual athletes who come out instead of being outed. The medal will be configured to fit an ear-lobe or a lower lip, whichever is preferred, and colored to match an appropriate tattoo in close proximity.
***POTUS plans an executive order mandating an enforceable tire-pressure on every kind of vehicle from baby-carriages to motorcycles to cars to trucks (even skateboards—little joke there), which means a new bureaucracy in the Transportation Department to handle on-site inspections. As already known, POTUS intends to change the climate and this is an initial process. There will also be regulations governing the kind, ply and usage of toilet tissue, the type and size of light bulbs (with smokeless candles an alternative), the flatulence of cattle and pigs (humans a bit later when people get used to the program and may be allowed to measure their own) and tobacco. For instance, a snuff-user can be arrested for spitting in a public place or a smoker for dropping a butt on the ground. These jobs will be exempt from POTUS's new order raising the minimum wage since appreciative citizens are expected to tip the inspectors for quick and non-insulting service. Staffers are encouraged to urge their friends to apply, though an applicant must have proof of accident insurance for obvious reasons. Being kicked by a cow or redneck snuffer is no laughing matter.
***POTUS is preparing to campaign for all democrats who are seeking or re-seeking office this year. To date, he has not been invited by any candidates but it's early in the game, though he will inform all candidates of his offer. Please contact the office-seekers in your respective states and urge them to apply early. Applicants must be able to supply extra security and guarantee that no one with eggs, tomatoes or other objects for throwing purposes are allowed anywhere near POTUS.
***POTUS aide John Podesta has prepared large posters showing Mt. Rushmore with Obama's likeness replacing that of Washington, in keeping with his recent pronouncement that he will be in the vanguard of the greatest presidents...probably the greatest. These posters may be requested at any time but anyone caught defacing them, i.e., placing a propeller beanie on Obama's head, will be charged with treason in a state affirming capital punishment.
And so it goes.