From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chair, Democratic National Committee
*** (From Memorandum #15, essentially): “Since New Orleans Mayor Nagin’s remark about God plaguing New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina because Americans are in Iraq (but the Baptists have pointed to lurid Mardi Gras celebrations as the reason) and his insistence that N.O. be an all-African-American city, [Michael] Moore’s new film (formerly called Centigrade -911) is tentatively to be re-titled The Creole-Congo Connection and will feature three level-5 hurricanes, a murdered FEMA director, a hysterical governor, a total levee-break discovered by the Right Reverend Honorable Doctor Louis Farrakhan, and a three-day tribute to Bill Clinton (the country’s first black president) – all during a Democrat Party convention in the Superdome.” This sounds like a lot of turbulence, but the hot air emanating from the speakers at the convention, augmented by that of 14 sermons each from the Right Honorable Reverends Jackson and Sharpton and 10 Declarations of Independence of the Sate of Illinois (lasting two hours each) by the Right Reverend Honorable Doctor Farrakhan, have been declared sufficient to effect the effect of three level-5 hurricanes, according to the U.S. Weather Service. The new movie will last three weeks in theaters, cost $18 billion to make, and tickets will, in addition to securing admittance, include sleeping bags and enough provisions for a family of four. House mortgages for admission will be accepted
***It has come to my attention that workers in the red states – especially in the South – are not adequately identifying with the voters. Everyone is reminded that Iowans didn’t understand the college students working my campaign in Iowa in 2004, due to the superior intelligence of the students. Consequently, this notice: Do not – repeat – DO NOT – display a look of pain when eating grits in Mississippi or watching a NASCAR race in Alabama. Both grits and races are practically considered divine in the South, and any show of disdain accruing to your superior intelligence will cause a problem. Indeed, for your own protection, either go immediately to Massachusetts or California if you can’t acclimate yourself to grits and races, since southerners have been known to wreak havoc with the anatomies of anyone appearing to be snobbish. For those of you educated in public schools, the term anatomy references the human body. Also, in the red states do not wear rings in your nose, navel, tongue, lip (either one), and no more than two per ear. People in Iowa lacked the sophistication to understand the importance of these rings, and those in the South, if possible, are even more unsophisticated. In addition, do not – repeat – DO NOT go door-to-door or appear anywhere in public with tattoos showing. Instruction sheets are forthcoming with directions for tying Windsor knots in neckties and suggestions for methods women can use when wearing low-rider jeans to cover their navels, with or without rings.
***IMPORTANT! Direct all inquiries regarding Congressman Patrick Kennedy to this office or to the Washington, D.C., Police Department. Do not express any opinions of your own, even if you think it’s perfectly alright for an elected official to be high as a kite at 2:45 a.m., driving with no headlights on, and stopping against a traffic barrier instead of using the brakes. Any references to Senator Kennedy as the “Chappaquidick Kid” will be grounds for dismissal, and the comparison of Patrick’s D.C. maneuver to that of Ted at the pond may put you in the position of answering a libel lawsuit. A white paper prepared by me as a medical doctor will be forthcoming explaining how it’s possible for an individual to sleep-drive after getting up in the middle of the night, becoming fully clothed, backing out of the garage, and still be on time for a House vote. You may report, however, that Patrick said he was not drinking and that he won’t do it again. In addition, do not – repeat – DO NOT even think about comparing Patrick’s case with that of Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. He did not attack an officer and made no mention of racism or the fact that he was mistaken for an off-duty cop and therefore given special privileges because of a new hairstyle that made him unrecognizable to the police.
***You will be gratified to know that your DNC leadership is in high gear, though not high in the sense of…well, Kennedy-high…and very confident of winning both houses of Congress in November. In states where it is still possible in the case of primaries, please look for candidates among Iraqi war veterans who are willing to badmouth the president, in the same sense that Senator Kerry did in1970-71 vis-à-vis the Vietnam conflict. CAUTION: Do not choose as candidates anyone who has secretly met with representatives of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the world’s best-known beheader, or Osama bin Ladin, the world’s best-known enabler of suicide bombers, especially in any meeting in France. Senator Kerry used the French connection in Paris to attempt allegedly treasonous talks in 1971 with the North Vietnamese, and you saw what happened to him in 2004. Further CAUTION: Do not repeat the rumor that Jane Fonda will soon be photographed in a cave somewhere on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border fondling an AK-47 to prove how wrong the Americans are. Fonda is on a book tour and is on the record, anyway, as despising dates and goat-livers, thus removing any possibility of a trip to the Afghan mountains. The rumor that she said she refused to go because Osama has no tanks for riding in parade appearances is not true, and she will not make that claim again. It is also untrue that the Dixie Chicks have volunteered to take her place, furnishing their own hybrid car or camels, hairdresser, and backup singers.
***Position papers are being prepared for formulating an instant launch into impeachment proceedings in the House as soon as the expected democrat majority caucuses in January. It will be the first and only order of business for as long as it takes to impeach the president, although impeachment is a foregone conclusion and shouldn’t take but a few days. Ramsey Clark is being asked to consult with House members in the project, even if he is still representing Saddam in Baghdad, assuming Baghdad is still in existence then and that Saddam has not been beheaded…or, of course, that Clark has not been beheaded. Presently, Clark is using the “O.J. Simpson defense,” and reports that his only problem is a persistent prosecutor who will not allow Saddam to don a blood-soaked glove found at the site where 3,000 Shi’ites with long gashes on their throats were buried in 1981.
***There will be no position papers forthcoming soon on any issues pertaining to domestic or international affairs, since the republicans are so far down in the polls that to offer suggestions is needless, divisive, and totally impossible of consensus, anyway. This doesn’t mean that the party has no plans for anything. It simply means that no one has put them together yet. So far, 3 million suggestions alone have been received on the subject of how to get Oprah to approve of a book condemning the use of chain-saws in Texas, the objective being to “out” the president as a destroyer of nature, willful polluter, and wasteful of gasoline. It has been rumored that Dan Rather has almost finished such a book, based on documents prepared on a Texas Department of Agriculture typewriter in1995, when Bush was governor. Oprah is likely to honor only novels, but some have heard that she would consider Rather’s book close enough to fiction to qualify.