From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 27 July 2010
**Because of a number of events requiring attention, this is the second memo of the month, some three weeks after the first. In keeping with the president’s example, most of the interim has been spent on vacations here and there, especially to Las Vegas in light of the Fox/Huckabee special on 24 July that both castigated the president for his snide remarks concerning wiping that city off the map (got that from Ahmadinejad vis-à-vis Israel – little joke there) as far as entertainment is concerned and encouraging whole families to drop their hard-earned cash there. The president has requested that a red/yellow/black/white politically correct paper be composed deifying the shared sacrifice that everyone must observe during the recession caused by Nixon, Ford, Reagan, and the Bushes. To encourage this, he has cut the number of his golfing trips and publicly stated that he will never again use three planes and crews and 100 Secret Service agents to accomplish a date with Michelle in New York. Only two planes will be used henceforth but the SS will be unchanged (not storm-troopers, for those recently graduated from Harvard and figuring Hitler to be a hero).
**Be advised that any mention of Shirley Sherrod at any time anywhere in any group will be tantamount to immediate termination, a resignation preferably texted on the spot if requested. Press Secretary Robert Glibs…er, Gibbs, has indicated that the president had nothing to do with demanding that Sherrod pull over to the shoulder and text her resignation and that he will not do anything like that again. It should not be mentioned that Rahm Emanuel spoke with her by cell phone while she was driving or that neither Agriculture Secretary Vilsack nor Emanuel had made no investigation before the action was taken. Even though Fox News made no mention of this affair until it had already happened, be advised that everyone at Fox is to be called a racist for mentioning it at all, thereby forcing the DNC propaganda arm – NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN and the left-coast newspapers – to sneak it in their broadcasts/publishing. Please mention that the president wanted her to drop by for a beer with him and Vice President Biden, but that scheduling problems prevented that.
**Attorney General Holder is becoming impatient regarding his request for a black/yellow/red/white politically correct paper explaining his recent remark to CBS’s Bob Shieffer that Americans are too cowardly to discuss race. In a speech scheduled for next week, he intends to explain himself but has lost his notes concerning the subject. He’s expressed the opinion that the definition of a “typical white person,” the phrase concocted by the president in an attack of genius in 2008, should not be simply “someone like his grandmother,” his definition at that time. His grandmother has since departed this world so, obviously, a new definition is needed. The wag who mentioned the other day that a typical white person is a homeless CEO will be disciplined. CEOs comprise a touchy subject in the White House since so many of the czars come from Wall Street and the Countrywide CEO gave Senator Dodd, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, a sweetheart deal on a house.
**Congressman Rangel’s problems with the House Ethics Committee that has investigated him since Paul Revere’s ride (little joke there) are not to be discussed anywhere. It’s common knowledge that politics in his district are different from the usual Congressional corruption and that tax-cheating on a larger scale is normal in the Big Apple, as Treasury Secretary Geithner will attest.
**The new Finance legislation has just been signed into law and there have been many requests from both Houses of Congress for staffers who are able to read and interpret it. It runs to over 2,000 pages and consequently is more than an incumbent can be expected to cover. House Speaker Pelosi has claimed that citizens and House members will know what’s in all legislation after it’s passed and not before. Her staff is still studying the healthcare legislation but has been slowed by the loss of some California staffers who have been committed to institutions babbling about what paragraph they inhabit and which senile citizen should be denied a new knee. In the meantime, take comfort in the fact that House members are well-disciplined and committed to the glorious Transformation taking place in government.
**There have been snide remarks heard around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board about Michelle Obama’s vacation-trip next week to Spain. After all, August is the month for vacations, as Senator Kerry insists since the French have so decreed. The president is working hard for the party and will be fund-raising before joining his family in Florida and Martha’s Vineyard for more vacation-time later, insisting that even the unemployed should take a timeout from the worry of being hungry and listening to Congressman Frank’s reasons why instead of worrying they should go out and buy a house. This is not to mention former First Lady Clinton’s trip to 76 countries, sometimes with Chelsea in tow (dodging the snipers in Bosnia – hoo-hah – little joke there), so Michelle is actually behind schedule. It’s not known if the president will join her in meeting the king, perhaps in an effort to discover how to put this country on the same financial footing as Spain and Greece.
**Snide remarks have also been heard about the currently fruitless search for the millions of gallons of oil that have escaped into the Gulf of Mexico. Staffers may volunteer to help in this search lest BP try to renege on its $20 billion first-payment to be divided among citizens who the pay czar says have a claim. Any staffer from the Gulf coast is encouraged to contact the czar anyway on the chance that he/she might be ruled eligible for any reason.