DNC Memorandum #16

From the office of the chairWOMAN 27 December 2013

***­Listen up! There have been rumblings throughout the party that former FLOTUS/State Secretary/Senator/cuckolded wife (little joke there) Hillary Clinton might be a weak candidate for the top job in 2016 but rest assured she will be unbeatable. Fox News ogre, Charles Krauthammer, said on some crazy program that she would almost certainly be the candidate but that she would be weak, which means she will be STRONG. BTW, the rumor that she intends to recant concerning her statement in the Rose Garden in 2012 anent the misnamed “Benghazi Massacre” is untrue and she has stated that she will not mention it again.

***Though making no apologies for it, health insurance for all staffers has been canceled account it did not meet the new ACA standards. [Note: The term Obamacare is no longer in use. Never use it in any meetings except those involving people who can be expected to come up with big dollars. When in union meetings, avoid the subject altogether.] There have been grumblings around the bottled-water dispenser and sugar-less candy machine that the daily changes made by POTUS concerning ACA make some constitutional idiots argue in town-hall meetings that his actions are not only un-presidential but clearly illegal. Do not—repeat—DO NOT argue about this since...well, get the picture. Be forewarned that you WILL pay the fine if you do not enroll in an insurance plan. Your current salary may help with premiums but account the monstrous deductibles do not—repeat—DO NOT get sick or break a limb. Let skiing wait until later.

***POTUS will be in full campaign mode after his trip to Hawaii...okay...in fuller campaign mode than usual, if possible (little joke there—don't tell). He's requesting that the DNC find the best possible teleprompter-writers for the effort. He's planning on at least an average of 25 speeches per week and the new White House guru, John Podesta, will furnish the information as to when, where and to which groups so that the speech will be tailored for the crowd to be addressed—actually the television audience, as well, so this job means walking a fine line between telling the truth and what the truth ought to be in a specific area. Be thinking of usable quotes from Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan. Do not quote anything John Kerry has ever said about anything, even the medals he threw over the fence in 1970, denied it and then said in 2004 he would never do that again. All staffers with at least a “C” in English 101 are eligible and those staffers chosen will take a six-weeks course in the Executive Office Building explaining how to use the truth in various ways as well as when not to use it at all. Podesta is ideal for this job, having recently called the GOP "a cult worthy of Jonestown." So...snakey, sneaky, sniveling and snarky are in now. The rumor that he will continue to be paid by George Soros to plan GOP rally-disruptions is untrue and Podesta has promised not to mention it again.

***There have been questions as to why POTUS has enrolled in the healthcare plan for a policy he never plans to use since he already has better insurance that hasn't been canceled...at least not yet. His reasoning is that he will become the prime role model or hero or mentor or whatever else people are for doing good things, thus encouraging especially the young to get enrolled lest ACA implode for lack of funds. Unfortunately, a gaggle of Harvard- and Yale-professors took this to mean that everyone is required to have two healthcare policies and their applications have befuddled the computers in the appropriate settings to the point of crashing. Professors at MIT and other tech schools and colleges have gone on Facebook to express either laughter or consternation or outright derision at what they consider an act so unbelievably silly as to actually not have happened. When addressing this matter, do not mention that POTUS's premium cost is less than 1.2% percent of his annual salary. People in all classes would love such a deal, especially in light of what they're facing in their plans. The poor guy making an average of about $50,000 per year would pay only $600, or $50 a month for such a policy. Stay far away from this subject, especially where people understand how to understand percentages...roughly above fifth-grade level.

***A main theme in the POTUS campaign in 2014 for Congressional office-seekers will be same-sex marriage. The idea is to push this as a superior form of family, introducing new ways of showing affection, a sort of departure from the traditional sex-ways in the interest of making cohabitation of any kind—even heterosexual marriage or shack-ups—exciting and educational, considering the times now, when anything goes. Warning: Be very careful in this area and do not—repeat—Do Not—let any reference to triangular- or quadruple-marriages or (perish the thought) bestiality enter any discussion, especially in town-halls held in bars. Also, plead ignorance of anything connected to “Duck Dynasty,” especially in states between California and New England, where most of the highly unsophisticated population lives.

***The 2014 elections are terribly important. If the House can be re-captured, your overseer is willing to take on CongressWOMAN Pelosi for the job of Speaker. In that position, she can commit patronage on a scale to give great rewards to staffers who work hard. If, however, the repubs survive, all bets are off and she will be revenge-minded...so staffers, be warned. In the meantime—HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And so it goes.
Jim Clark