From the office of the chairWOMAN, 05 September 2014
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since last fall. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairWOMAN account having to further deal with the IRS scandals, the Benghazi slaughter, Fast-and-Furious, Syria, ISIS, executive orders and Hillary Clinton since she’s connected to all of them and has told me she’s mad as hell, had nothing to do with them, and won’t take it anymore, especially in her run for Air Force One, speaking of which Hillary will be pushing 70 in 2017 while the chairWOMAN will only be late-fortyish. Both Biden and Kerry will be mid-seventyish, and Biden overdid it when he said he would chase ISIS to hell the other day. He's lucky to get out of bed. The wag who posted on the Bush dart-board that Obama will issue an executive order nullifying elections in 2016 will be shunted off to the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag, with its particular emphasis on how to lie believably.
***There has been unjustified (and unforgivable) backlash to the chairWOMAN's public remark the other day that Wisconsin Governor Walker has given the back-of-his-hand to women and that he's been pulling them around by their hair. The chairWOMAN has applied for a restraining order disallowing him any entry to Florida and has suggested to the Congressional women's caucus that all members do the same for their states. It's high-time that the tea-party recognizes that balancing a state's budget and non-unionizing decent state employees to save money and make them actually work is not enough to give the governor the right to abuse women. The insensitive staffer who posted that note on the Obama golf-swing picture that the chairWOMAN's hair proves her point will be assigned to an Everglades precinct.
***POTUS is still considering instituting a Department of Gender and has requested another yellow/black/white/red paper on how to do this while still awaiting word from the LBGTQ group as to how many genders there are. This hasn’t been settled yet mainly because the American Conference of Transitioning and Ultimate Personhood (known for short as ACT-UP) still threatens to sue something or somebody if not included in the gender-count, but certainly not in the Q group. Also, a complaint from something called the Platonic Education Department Of Pleasing Habituations in Loving Eroticism (PEDOPHILE, for short) has been lodged with AG Holder, claiming gender-status and threatening action from some Catholic priests account violation of First Amendment rights. The DNC is preparing a summary of Plato's Symposium for all staffers in readiness for any sign that POTUS has evolved on this matter as he did regarding same-sex marriage.
***There is reason to celebrate the fact that women are gradually taking over both the reporting responsibilities and anchor chairs in TV-world. This means that evil misogynists (mostly republican peeping-toms) are losing their grip on the levers of power. The nasty rumor that women have resorted to flagrant exhibitionism in their effort to take over TV is unfounded although the girls on FoxNews are up for an award from the Harvard Glee Club on the amount of cleavage and thigh exposed. Everything off-the-shoulder is tour de force and everything off-most everything is seen as a possibility by MSNBC, taking into account the person involved. While men are still required to be covered from Adam's-Apple-to-toe, CNN is studying the possibility that Wolf Blitzer might appear soon in only boxer-briefs and beard. Fox may require O'Reilly, for obvious reasons, to interview his girls while using eye-patches in order to help him stay focused. Stay tuned.
***The DNC personnel committee is structuring a new program called the Society for Obviating Bonehead Erratic Rants (SOBER, for short) designed to help agency spokespersons refrain from misspeaking (euphemism for ignorance and/or lying), such as when the State Department spokesperson said recently that the FBI would chase down the ISIS be-headers or when POTUS spoke of red-lines and later compared ISIS to a terrorism junior-varsity. VPOTUS was accused of inebriation recently when he said he would leave the be-headers in hell (obviously Satan's purview) so an important part of SOBER will handle the drug situation. All staffers, as well as teleprompter-guys, will be required to attend a consequent seminar conducted by the Harvard English and Psychology departments. Rehab may be required for some.
***A DNC red/yellow/black/white paper is being prepared to debunk the new book 13 HOURS: The Inside Account of What Really Happened in Benghazi, as well as the program based on the book that aired on Fox-TV on 05 September, featuring the contractors employed to protect the CIA annex at Benghazi and allegedly (insisted by them) told to stand down in protecting the consulate when they almost certainly could have prevented the massacre of four Americans. A preview of the paper indicates an insistence that the men are all suffering from PTSD, amnesia, dementia, Freudian-slips, hallucinations, drug-use, STDs and greed. POTUS-friend Bill Ayers of Weather Underground fame and now a distinguished professor in Chicago (otherwise known as the Illinois killing-field – little joke there) will edit the paper.
And so it goes.