From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 07 July 2010
**Please be advised that the explosions heard during the televising of the vice president and his wife in Baghdad recently were not set off by members of Blackwater paid by the DNC to capitalize on State Dept. Secretary Clinton’s experience dodging snipers in Bosnia in 1996. Both Blackwater and the DNC vehemently deny this rumor and such explosions will not happen again.
**Attorney General Holder has requested help with the writing of a red/yellow/black/white politically correct paper explaining why he stated not long ago that Americans are cowards with regard to racial matters. He’s sure he knew why at the time but the press of urgent matters at DOJ has resulted in the loss of his notes concerning the matter and he simply hasn’t had time to work up a new set of memos. The staffer who is successful in helping the AG will be rewarded with an all-expenses-paid trip to the Arizona border for rest and recreation in that sunny climate but will have to furnish his own handgun or M-16 or RPG-launcher or Kevlar.
**There’s no truth to the charge by radio hate-talkers that the AG and POTUS are suing Arizona because they had to drop their suit against Bush/Cheney/Miers concerning the firing of eight prosecutors back in the day account POTUS claiming executive privilege to countermand his party-planner’s Congressional-committee summons, and therefore had run out of republicans to sue. Any staffer who can come up with actionable material concerning either republicans or other states to sue will be given a bonus yet to be determined. Illinois will not be considered as suitable, however, for obvious reasons.
** The recess-appointment of Donald Berwick to become the czar of the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) was not made because POTUS did not want this genius to appear before a congressional committee to explain his statement that the healthcare bill just passed is actually a method of redistribution of wealth to the poor, recognizing the poor to be the sickest among us. Rather, POTUS had decided long ago that the senators and representatives simply lacked the brainpower to understand anything Berwick might say. POTUS, who easily understands Berwick, makes his judgments upon whether or not Rahm Emanuel understands what an appointee says. In this case, Emanuel stated that he had no clue, so, naturally, Berwick was appointed. The same approach happens in reverse, i.e., Emanuel said he DID understand General McChrystal; therefore, Mc Chrystal had to be un-appointed.
**With the appointment of Berwick as healthcare czar, the suggestion has been made that huge segments of the population might believe that becoming sick or poor or both (the most attractive) is the best method for use in being placed on the government dole; therefore, warn people against flooding doctors’ offices with symptoms of any kind (even self-induced amputations) or appearing on crutches while breathing pure oxygen and coughing up everything from flu germs to last night’s dinner. Berwick has made it plain that none of these people will be accepted for entitlements or even aspirin unless they sign waivers regarding the death-panels, with the youngest being given preference for obvious reasons.
**There have been few complaints about the new title for the former designations of “chairman” and “DNC” (see above, for recent college graduates) but Press Secretary Glibs…er, Gibbs (little joke there, again) has asked for a survey concerning the possible use of “czar” instead of “commissar” and “politburo” instead of “Commissariat.” With the current D.C. power-exchange (not direct current, for recent grads of public institutions) featuring executive fiat over the Congress and the Courts, it seems that the new terms “czar” and “politburo” would more accurately describe the current government nomenclature, especially as it relates to the DNC, which might be re-designated the PBC. Some suggested the term “Duma” for the DNC but that’s so suggestive of the mealy-mouthed Congress as to be unseemly. It’s only natural that the political machinery be in the catbird’s seat, with POTUS (actually top-Czar) running the show through yours truly (Junior-Czar) and this committee, especially in keeping everyone in line.
**Having proven themselves worthy in the last election cycle in Philadelphia, the New Black Panthers will soon become a part of the DNC or PNC or maybe PNG-S (Politburo National Goon-Squad) if the DNC progresses into new designations. They will provide training for keeping everyone in line and AG Holder has already approved of their methods by not prosecuting them for threatening with batons and scaring the bejabbers out of the public in polling locations in Philly, with one of their leaders calling for the murders of “crackers” and “cracker babies.” The term “cracker” is now replacing the term “honky” in the national conversation since it seems so…well…civilized, at least in Philly.
**Michael Moore has scrapped plans for his new movie to be titled “Shootout at the BP Corral” account being unable to find a suitable rapper to provide the theme music, Moore’s innovative and politically correct new wrinkle. All rappers interviewed remembered their lyrics for only about 25 seconds, then lapsed into rap about wasting policemen, raping any available female (including cats and dogs), or joining al Qaeda or Farrakhan’s Nation of Islam to “get at the man.” Moore is considering an oil-spill movie, however, and is working on a script tentatively entitled “The Tar-ball Protocol,” featuring a detective who follows the oil-spill trail all the way to a ranch at Crawford, Texas. The special effects will be spectacular since the ranch is nowhere near the Gulf or even a good-sized river.
**Black arm-bands can be discontinued now since the body of Senator Byrd is at rest. Staffers are directed to explain that former president Clinton’s observation that Byrd had to help run the West Virginia Klu Klux Klan in order to be elected to Congress was taken out of context and that he actually meant that Byrd was infiltrating the Klan in order to take it down, a fact easily proven since he recruited only 150 or so new members, or at least new members with proper hoods and ropes.