From the Office of CHAIR, Democratic National Committee, Memorandum #14
***It was mentioned in Memorandum 13 that some staffers at the RNC (probably teenagers or high-school dropouts or disgruntled Episcopalians – that bike-path brouhaha I won) have been making posters with an arrow pointing from a picture of me in a straitjacket to the acronym DEAN followed by the words Dementia Enured Anthropoid Neanderthal. Please be advised that the ACLU has agreed to sue the RNC in my behalf for defamation of character, and that it has requested that Ramsey Clark be offered enough to return from representing Saddam in Iraq to take the case. Clark has already established that the American GI who rousted the butcher from his spider hole acted with malice aforethought in pointing a gun at him, did not read Saddam his Mohammad Rights, and made an insulting remark about his odor and beard, revered as the most sacred odor and beard in the whole world. The case probably will be tried in my home state of Vermont, and it has been requested that the judge there who has just slapped a 60-day sentence on a rapist/pedophile for continuously sexually abusing a girl when she was 6-10 years of age not be given the matter in his court, though he was correct in asserting that the rapist could not be rehabilitated in any Vermont prison, such circumstance violating the rapist’s civil rights to a fair and just rehabilitation.
***The White Paper issued last month by this office regarding the danger to the nation vis-à-vis an actual confirmation to the SCOTUS of Judge Samuel Alito was not prepared in time for the staffs of Senators Leahy, Biden, Kennedy, Schumer, and Durbin to properly digest it, thus the senators’ failure to totally embarrass Alito in the Senate hearing. This office suggested that the senators actually read the White Paper, instead of having their staffs do it, but they indicated they did not have the time. Senator Biden also sent word that he did not read the document because he was afraid he might remember some of it and include it in a campaign speech for the presidency and be accused again of plagiarism, as he was in 1988 in his first try for the top office. Senator Durbin also said he never read documents having words of more than two syllables and was actually displeased because nowhere in the paper was Alito referred to as a Nazi storm trooper, Russian Gulag guard, or one of Pol Pot’s ethnic cleansing types, thus making him as bad and dangerous as American GIs at Guantanamo. It’s been reliably reported that Senator Schumer would have read the paper but was frothing at the mouth and his dribbling all over the paper blurred it beyond repair. In fairness, it must be admitted that Senator Leahy did not receive a copy because it was feared he would leak it, and Kennedy could not be found, having somehow wandered, as later reported, into Mississippi, where he was traumatized beyond coherence at a Trent Lott rally.
***A bit of damage control is in order at this time. Senator Hillary Clinton’s claim in a recent speech that the Republican Party is a Plantation (she denies it and says she won’t do it again) has been taken out of context, though the complaint that she didn’t identify the master and the slaves is valid. It is clear that the master is Karl Rove (or Simon LeGreeove, as some would say) and that the slaves are republican members of Congress, not the whole party. This is important since southern democrats – who despise the word plantation, anyway – are more like republicans than real democrats (northern and west-coast variety) but are still vital to the party if it is ever to turn the red states blue. So, when discussing the senator’s unfortunate statement, make it clear that she is no student of history or current affairs and is expected to clarify her remarks in her campaign for the Senate this year and the presidency in 2008. Also make it clear that a student of current affairs is needed in the presidency and that the CHAIR’s medical-degree thesis included a section on the historical value of bike-riding on sacred paths. This will also influence the church groups, except that in the Carolinas, change it to stock-car activity around the fiery pitstops.
***More damage control. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin’s insistence that God assaulted New Orleans by using Hurricane Katrina to burst the levees and drown the city and run off the poor because American GIs are in Iraq was inappropriate. Explain that he meant that Katrina’s handlers made a mistake in calculations and the storm was actually supposed to hit Nashville, the Vatican of the Southern Baptist Convention, where wrong-headed religionists insist that men should not marry men, thus depriving them of their rights to make lust and not war. Also, Nagin’s remark that the Big Easy is a “chocolate city” is to be played down, since it discriminates against Latinos and Orientals who are already demanding that it be called a “tortilla city” and “chop suey city.” Even the Muslims are mad and demanding it be called the “dried-fig city.” These are constituent groups, so make every effort to calm them down.
***More damage control. While most democrats identify with Harry Bellefonte, many are a bit offended at his remarking to Venezuelan liberator Hugo Chavez that President Bush is terrorist numero uno in all the world (Spanish used to indicate unity with Latino vote, soon to be greater than African-American). While Bellefonte’s statement is true, it must be remembered that it was also a slap at all the GIs currently putting their lives on the line, since neither they nor their families consider them terrorists, though John Kerry said as much recently on CBS, but, to his credit, explained that Iraqis should be doing their own terrorizing and rousting out innocent families in Iraq in the dead of night. Incidentally, rumors that Kerry has applied for another Purple Heart (Humvee door slammed on his thumb in last visit to Fort Benning) are not true. Kerry has denied this and said he will not do it again.
***It appears that the major thrust of campaigns this year will have to do with the matter of impeachment. It’s payback time for the Clinton impeachment, and president Bush has given us the perfect ploy – those awful wiretaps that threaten the very body and soul of the republic. Impeachment, of course, is impossible if the House remains republican, since impeachment proceedings must originate there. Expulsion from office is impossible if the Senate remains republican, since conviction must be effected there. So, the wiretap issue is front and center. Unfortunately, there has been not one complaint that any citizen’s privacy has been violated in the years the NSA has carried out the president’s surveillance directive, so we must either produce such a citizen or make it appear that Bush has made a police-state of the country – very hard to do because he hasn’t. This being the case, look for homeless-appearing people in public libraries who are operating computers and checking their e-mail. Try to get an address and send a message with the word jihad in it to that person, with the hope that some government agent will tap it and violate the homeless-appearing guy’s rights by following him around. Be careful to use a computer not your own, in order not to be followed yourself. Pick out your favorite republican to hate, and use his computer.
***Finally, do not be too disheartened by the 70% voter turnout in Iraq. Defeat there is still vital to democrats – almost their only issue – but, failing that, emphasize that the huge segment of 30% did not vote. Do not – repeat – DO NOT mention that only 42% of the entire population in this country voted in 2004.