From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 03 June 2010
***There’s no credibility to the rumor the frothy-mouthed conservative talk-show clowns are making that the president intends to put British Petroleum into U.S. receivership instead of holding his boot on BP’s neck and making it pay every citizen in Louisiana, Mississippi Alabama, and Florida the equivalent of five year’s income, thus adding a huge segment of the oil industry to government-held properties such as General Motors and AIG. There’s also no credence to the rumor that only GM cars will then be configured/allowed to run on only BP gas, thus solidifying the government’s actions against Ford and Toyota in wiping out the opposition, making the president the CEO operating nearly all automotive transportation that uses roads exclusively.
***Please be advised that notice has been taken of the uproar, particularly among the NOW ladies, accruing to a perceived lack of passion by the president when he makes speeches or even off-the-cuff remarks. He is receiving instruction currently from a top-flight psychiatric operation in this matter and soon will be seen emoting to a heretofore unseen extent, even shedding tears when the occasion calls for same, such as when he found tar-balls on the beach in Louisiana the other day. Part of the therapy is the viewing of film of President Clinton somberly arranging stones on the beach at Normandy in the shape of a cross in 1944. Also, there will be a heads-up on all teleprompters hence as to when to emote (laugh, cry, shake fist, scowl, glare, smile, look sad, etc.) along with the notices of when to wait for applause, pause for effect, etc. The rumor that the tar balls and the stones on the respective beaches were all placed there by DNC staffers is false and this will not happen again.
***There has been fear in some quarters that the president will be forced to testify in the Blagojevich trial in Chicago or wherever it is, especially since the FBI has 500 hours of phone conversations Blago had with many people. Be advised that, just as in the case of the recently resigned White House party-planner, executive privilege will be exercised for everyone in the administration, no matter if any deal was discussed about the value of Obama’s former Senate seat. Executive privilege does not obtain in the case of Senator Durbin (tried to keep Senator Burris from getting the seat), however, but lawyers are working out a plan for legislation that will grant executive senatorial privilege, something most senators will gladly approve. It will be un-Constitutional, of course, but it will take years for the SCOTUS to handle it. By that time, Blagojevich will be just a bad memory (also still in jail, probably). Rahm Emanuel has flatly stated that he never mailed a dead fish to Burris and that he will not do it again.
***Please be advised that when addressing the “Sestak Affair” the proper approach is to indicate that “this is done all the time,” when some sort of political buyout is the objective. Representative Sestak is fair game and can be castigated for not being a team-player in opposing Senator Specter, the president’s choice in Pennsylvania, and – even worse – defeating him in the primary. Even worser (okay, bad grammar for effect), Sestak exposed former president Clinton, the only C-I-C (commander in chief, for recent college graduates) to be impeached, as the main player in the buyout, and Clinton just didn’t need more infamy added to his record. It’s unclear as to whether Clinton can claim post-presidential executive privilege in the case of a summons or just take low and go down, as they say in union circles.
***When interviewing potential candidates for any office, be sure to inform them that padding resumes – especially in the area of military service – is a no-no, big-time. The White House has been badly embarrassed by Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal’s outrageous accounts about his service in Vietnam mainly because he never served in Vietnam. He should have learned something in 2004, when the “swift-boat skippers” blew the whistle on John Kerry…blew him out of the water, in fact. The president continues to support Blumenthal because he has no other choice, having appointed Hillary Clinton as State Secretary even in light of the humongous fabrications she carefully planned and used during her campaign…dodging all those snipers in Bosnia while she and daughter ran for their lives to a welcoming ceremony on the tarmac.
***The president’s speech-writing outfit has been enlarged in order to keep up with his schedule of at least one speech somewhere every day while at the same time preparing for the expected multitude of invitations from people running for office in November, especially those with proven abilities at fundraising. Those needing his help must plan for some kind of official trip in connection with the local campaign speech so that the federal government will carry the freight for the whole ripoff…er thing (little joke there). An official visit to a factory or even the local dog-pound is good enough to qualify. Reminder: Candidates in Virginia, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania – for obvious reasons – should prepare their constituents for protests featuring collective snickering.
***Major Hasan has been granted a four-month delay regarding an evidentiary hearing. Those who refer to his actions last year as the “Ft. Hood massacre” will be disciplined. After all, eyewitnesses can be wrong, especially if they all say the same guy did it. If this matter comes up, simply insist that an understanding nation would be disappointed if this devout Muslim did not get his day in court, or in the evidentiary hearing (DNA is so important, for instance), or in the chow hall, for that matter. Caution: Do not suggest that his trial should be at Guantanamo since the president promised last year to close that facility by last January.
***Michael Moore’s new animated movie tentatively entitled “Shootout at the BP Corral,” featuring Two-Spout Glibs planting his boot on the villain’s neck and pouring 5W-30 in his ear is on schedule. The president will be drawn as furious, the way he describes himself these days as noted especially in his interview with Larry King. Representing a new intellectual/art breakthrough, Moore is replacing conventional background music with rap and is seeking the right rapper for the job, mainly advertising through the Huffington Post, perhaps the president’s favorite Web-site and noted by him recently in an important speech somewhere or other.