From the office of the chairWOMAN, 31 July 2013
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since April. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairWOMAN account having to deal with the “Weiner Affair,” the IRS scandals, the Benghazi slaughter, Fast-and-Furious, and Hillary Clinton since she’s connected to all of them and has told me she’s mad as hell and won’t take it anymore. By the way, the rumor that Ms. Weiner lives in this country and stays married to the creep because she can’t drive a car in her own country, Saudi Arabia, is not true. She’s still here because she’s loyal to Hillary, her former boss at State (made the coffee, etc.), and wants to emulate her for standing by Bill during all the Bimbo-eruptions and proving that being married to a pervert is excellent for developing skills in working with Congress.
***The temporary terrorism-protocol put into place after the Marathon-bombing, i.e., that it was okay to use that term then has been rescinded. This means that man-caused-disaster is now the proper term describing anything that looks, walks or talks like terrorism, up to and including the entire destruction of Manhattan or Chicago’s Southside, where murder is as casual as Starbucks anyway (little joke there).
***POTUS has made it official that the jury in Sanford, Florida, erred in acquitting George Zimmerman of the murder of Trayvon Martin. AGOTUS (Holder, for recent Harvard graduates) will pursue this matter until justice is dealt, notwithstanding anything in the U.S. Constitution to the contrary. Do NOT make an issue of this since the jury was entirely made up of women, a vital voting bloc for POTUS and the democrats and even had one Hispanic and one black, each representing other vital blocs. The judge was also a woman but do NOT mention this since she interviewed Zimmerman during the trial—unheard of procedure. The lead lawyers on both sides were men so it’s okay to say anything nasty about them, win or lose. Men vote republican and are fair game for everything from slander to attempting to kill quarterbacks.
***POTUS announced that doing something about gun-violence would honor Martin, perhaps the first time an attacker of a citizen on the same sidewalk has been so acclaimed. POTUS has requested that a red/yellow/black/white paper be forthcoming from the DNC on how to do this. FYI, suggesting the removal of triggers from guns will get anyone a term in the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag, and possible deportation to San Francisco. This is a serious project and the successful propagandizer will get a free trip to the Washington Zoo (not the one in the capitol building—little joke there).
***It was mentioned (again) in the last memo that POTUS is considering instituting a Department of Gender and has requested a yellow/black/white/red paper on how to do this, pending word from the LBGTQ group as to how many genders there are. This hasn’t been settled yet mainly because the American Association of Transvestites has threatened to sue something or somebody if not included in the gender-count, but certainly not in the Q group. Stay tuned for the final word and be thinking of a candidate to be Secretary of Gender. In an interview on his plane the other day, Pope Francis gave a virtual go-ahead to homosexual priesthood (not that it isn’t already de facto), so one such might be a good choice, notwithstanding the requirement of celibacy, which kind of puts the damper on the whole thing. Some mean-spirited Catholics went on record that the Pope’s pronouncement might have been due to light-headedness at 38,000 feet and thus not to be taken seriously.
***POTUS and even VPOTUS and even FLOTUS continue to be concerned about the job situation, which is improving but help is needed in getting out that word since the jobless rate stays the same or goes up while POTUS apparatchiks claim tens of thousands of jobs come on line every month. You guessed it—a black/white/red/yellow paper is needed in order to educate NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, ABC and the New York Times – propaganda arms – so that they can educate the public. POTUS and his staff would do this but he’s out on the campaign trail every day and hasn’t the time. VPOTUS and his staff would do this but he and his whole gang have trouble finding the toilet, much less understanding anything about economics. FLOTUS and her staff would do this but they’re tied up figuring out what schoolchildren may and may not eat, depending on whether their states are red or blue, thus haven’t the time.
***Since VPOTUS’s sagacious announcement concerning the arming of every woman with a 12-gauge-double-barrel-shotgun, stores have had to start importing the things to keep up with demand. Also, as the women have practiced shooting them, there have been record numbers of women reporting to hospital emergency-rooms with broken arms, shoulders, jawbones and collarbones, as well as concussions and lacerated ear-lobes. Please do NOT mention this in any town-hall meeting since a high-school sophomore would have known that to be bad advice. One woman even requested that VPOTUS send word as to how to put the gun in her purse, so you get the picture.
And so it goes.