From the office of CHAIR, Democratic National Committee, DNC Memorandum #13
***First a word of explanation about capitalizing the title of the facilitator of the DNC – me. It was felt appropriate by many expressing their views to me that capitalizing the title would call attention to what I actually am, the most important figure in American politics, since some republican staffers (probably teenagers or high-school dropouts) have been making posters with an arrow pointing from a pictured straitjacket to the acronym DEAN followed by the words Dementia Enured Anthropoid Neanderthal. Notwithstanding the poor taste involved in this mud-slinging attempt, suffice it to say that it would be impossible for anyone who has been a medical doctor, governor of Vermont, scourge of Episcopalian bike-paths, and originator of the most recognizable political mantra in the country today – the DEAN SCREAM© – to be anything but a 21st-century political icon. For those democrats and republicans alike who have accused me of describing Senator Clinton as a true DEAN in an effort to dissuade her from running for president in 2008, I categorically deny that I’ve done that, and I will not do it again. The senator may be wrong on the Iraq War, since she thinks we should pursue it, but her elevator DOES reach the top floor…at least most of the time. Indeed, she has said as much herself.
***The White Paper to be used in the process of campaigning against the nomination Of Judge Alito to the SCOTUS is almost finished, and will be available well in advance of January 9, when the Senate hearings before the Judiciary Committee begin. Suggestions for this important document are still being accepted, but please be advised that Senator Byrd, a former KKK Wizard or some such thing, has insisted that Alito has never been in the KLAN, so do not send this charge as a suggestion. Instead, try to discover if he has ever been a member of the Augusta National Golf Club that sponsors the Masters Golf Tournament every year, since it absolutely does not allow women in its membership and even frowns upon blacks, Jews, and homosexuals, all four constituencies being vital to the party. I have it on good authority that the National Organization of Women, which correctly describes Alito as a threat to motherhood (especially unwedded) and babyhood and fetus-hood and nation-hood and boyz-n-the-hood (mostly rap-cool black guys) so serious as to rate him right along with Mohammad Atta and the other airliner Muslim-hoods. As it stands now, Alito may merit a filibuster, unless the Gang of 14 gives its approval, in which case every attempt will be made to see that warmongering Senators Lieberman and Lindsey Graham are defeated in their next primaries.
***Every vote will be needed next year, so concentrate on all the group-think necessary for success. Remember the slogan “Every Citizen a Victim!” A recent report from a psychiatric organization remarks a current study seriously considering racism as a sickness, like alcoholism and gambling addiction. Please speak out against this, as the party strongly did when it was threatened that homosexuality would be classified as a physical/mental/emotional disorder, i.e., a sickness. If it is determined that racism, actually unheard of as an attribute of democrats, is a sickness (even genetically configured), it will be hard to campaign against republicans, who the DNC has always claimed are racist by viciously made choice, since they will automatically become part of victim-hood, thus making them eligible for consideration as actually being human and therefore electable. Remember, the party-line is that homosexuals are “born that way,” not by choice, but that republicans are not “born that way” with respect to racism, but choose a racist lifestyle. Moreover, racism must never be considered a malady because most KKK members have been southern democrats, red-state deserters that simply must be brought back into the big tent.
***The conservative talking heads on both radio and TV are attempting to make capital of their charge that I have insisted that the action in Iraq is wrong and that the troops ought to be snaked out of there. While I said that, I must put it in the proper context, so there is being offered a prize of $100 to anyone who can come up with that proper context. As it stands now, there is the charge that I actually stated those things, which I did, but…okay…I need some cover…now get busy and figure out why I said what I said, then let me know, and, as John Kerry would say in his favorite language – VOILA – le douliers cent!
***Please go easy on the Rove-outed-Plame material for the time being. The reason: Since Bob Woodward of the Washington Post, known as the veritable bible of the party, stated publicly that he had already been told by somebody that Plame was an undercover agent, but did not say who told him, all bets are off on Rove, especially since it is rumored that Woodward plans writing a book entitled All the President’s Leakers, in which his source will be called Deep Tonsil, who will remain anonymous until he/she dies or Woodward goes to prison or Bob Novak tells all or Judith Miller names somebody else or Joe Wilson (Plame’s husband) lands another uranium-hunt in the French embassy in Riyadh, whichever comes first. If Woodward changes his mind and claims it was not Rove, feel free to call Woodward a traitor to the cause. In the meantime, the word is that the special prosecutor is searching for a new Grand Jury, hopefully in New York’s Greenwich Village or New Orleans’ Bourbon Street or anywhere in San Francisco, to which to present new information about Rove, Libby, Bush, Rice, Rumsfeld, the president’s barber, the ranch foreman at Crawford, and the captains of all ships at sea.
***Sorry to report bad news, but it looks as if some millions of Iraqis have registered and are threatening to vote on the 15th, as they did earlier this year, notwithstanding the freedom fighters (called murderous insurgent suicide/homicide bombers by the administration) trying to take back their country for Saddam, who, incidentally, is said to be complaining that his figs have been overripe lately, his Koran in danger of being flushed, his prayer rug mischievously placed heading west by someone in the 101st Airborne, and his goat’s milk a trifle aged. Any one of these complaints is a cause for torture-mongering, so make the most of Saddam’s predicament at the Baghdad National Airport Hilton as you prepare your propaganda concerning Guantanamo. It has also been rumored that Saddam is made to wash his face at least once a week, another torture device, and that he may be required to shower that much in the near future, an unheard of water-torture treatment. Senator Kennedy is looking into this and will soon make a statement, since he is an expert on dangerous water-happenings.
***The subject of Michael Moore’s new movie, -Centigrade 911, has been changed from the virtues of being illegal in Texas to the dangers of being unwanted in New Orleans in order to satisfy the folks in New Orleans (all democrats) who see the influx of Mexicans willing to clean up the city impinging upon their entitlement systems, the subtle hint involving the CCC (stands for Creole Combat Cadre), a KKK-type of organization said to be planning the burning of gumbo pots in areas where the intruders live. A word of caution: Do not discuss Moore’s home in a small Michigan town of about 2,500 people, in which not even one African American lives. He apparently has not invited any New Orleans evacuees to take up residence in his house or even in his town, but I can’t confirm that he said this was because only people who weighed 300 pounds could stand the cold weather there.
***Please note, as always, that the RED type is used to help maintain focus on the enemy – the inhabitants of the red states. The reason for the BLUE background should be obvious.