From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 08 May 2010
***Please be advised that the title noted above, there being no exception taken to it (or at least by anyone who carries weight), will be retained indefinitely and that the Democratic National Committee will now be known, beginning with this memo, as the Democratic National Commissariat. This is in no way connected to the habit of the evil one, Rush Limbaugh, in referring to the administration as a regime instead of a government. The change is being made solely to indicate that a commissariat is useful in supplying food to the needy and in no way reflects a commissariat as defined as a department in the former Soviet Union. Proof, of course, lies in the fact that errant staffers will not be shot at sunrise, as was the case with the Soviets, but will simply be sent to the Durbin Gulag and Killing-Field Center for re-indoctrination in the fundamentals of the Commissariat. Senator Durbin is preparing a seminar entitled “How the President and I Almost Single-handedly Denied Senator Burris a Seat in Congress,” thus exposing the need for a new U.S. Constitution allowing for a U.S. Commissariat instead of a government by the people.
***Apologies all around for referencing the recent Ft. Hood incident as the “Major Hasan Massacre” in Memorandum #12! Presidential Press Secretary Robert Glibs (okay, Gibbs…little joke there) has made it plain that Major Hasan most likely suffered through a disadvantaged childhood, was bullied in kindergarten, and was not allowed to register to vote as a member of the Terrorist Party. These things contributed to his cold-blooded killing of 13 people, according to the office of the Attorney General, and his restraint in not firing faster is a point in his favor. Suggesting that his connection to Yemen resident and highly respected cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, who recommends murder of all infidels (and re-murdering of those already dead), had anything to do with the Ft. Hood disturbance will not be tolerated in the DNC, and any staffer who so suggests will be sent to the DG&K-FC mentioned above for further re-indoctrination. It has only been six months since the Ft. Hood disturbance, so those suggesting that justice is too slow should understand that an understanding nation should not expect a trial, if any, for at least ten years, during which Major Hassan will undergo therapy, rehabilitation, if necessary, and a shot (no pun intended) at a good pension.
***Michael Moore’s new movie tentatively entitled “Obamessiah Redeems Fannie/Freddie” with the sub-title of “Goldman-Sachs and the Lost Covenant” is temporarily on hold while explanations are prepared concerning why so many Wall Street-types are on the payroll of the administration and why the contributions to the president’s campaign by the honchos at Goldman-Sachs meant nothing since they amounted to only a million or so dollars, hardly enough to bribe a two-story-man to steal an earring, let alone influence a campaign or curry a favor. As he waits, Moore is planning another flick tentatively entitled “Shootout at the BP Corral,” in which the hero, Two-Spout Glibs, plants his boot on the villain’s neck and pours 5W-30 in his ear until it shoots-out his mouth, an indication of death by oil slick.
***Regarding the president’s recent statement concerning the Arizona Immigration Law’s effect on a citizen taking his offspring to the ice cream parlor only to be harassed by a policeman stupidly demanding to see some ID, thus humiliating the parent, terrifying the child and causing melting ice cream to cover the floor and consequently making the store susceptible to lawsuits by anyone slipping in it, the president insists he never brought up this subject and will not do it again. The president was merely making the point that parents should be diligent in making sure their children eat only the proper amount of ice cream, if any at all, and that under rules being developed by the ice-cream-obesity czar any parent seen to be negligent is liable to be arrested and charged with child abuse in the 3rd degree for children 10 lbs overweight, 2nd degree for children 20 lbs overweight, and 1st degree for children considered obese, under new DNC suggestions to Congress for legislation or the health-care protocol, whichever comes first. Also, children may turn-in their parents for being either overweight, underweight, or causing them any undue wait…for anything, including ice cream.
***This is a campaign year and all staffers are urged to contrive friendliness-for-effect and make themselves available to the appropriate candidates for canvassing, polling, stuffing envelopes (and ballot boxes in Chicago), answering phones, etc. Rings and tattoos on any part of the anatomy are acceptable in California and Massachusetts, as well as low-rider jeans in most states as long as the crotch is not lower than the knees and pubic hair is covered (bending over may present problems in the Bible Belt unless you’re backed up against a wall). Be careful with rings. A college student working for Howard Dean in Iowa in 2004 wearing multiple rings in both nostrils, both ears, tongue, lips, chin, navel, love-handles, and points farther south was struck by lightning, with her insurance ruled invalid account the suicide clause. Learn to drive a 20-year-old pickup and chew tobacco or dip snuff in NASCAR country and how to stomach grits in the entire Southeast. In the South and Midwest, quote scriptures you think you’ve heard and learn some rap for the cities, but glorifying cop-killing and gang-rape is strictly prohibited even if directed toward republicans.