From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 22 April 2010
***No undue exception has been taken to the experimental title used above, so it will be retained on an experimental basis. The complete explanation for using it was advanced in Memorandum #11. Those who have read but not understood it may be assigned to the Durbin Gulag and Killing-Field Center for further indoctrination. Senator Durbin himself will be offering a seminar in May entitled “Why the American GI should be court-martialed and water-boarded, if necessary.” Senator Kerry, if not skiing in Switzerland, will offer a seminar explaining why only those with high-school-dropout-IQ status wind up in Iraq. Bill Moyers of NPR/PBS fame will offer a seminar explaining why Americans should understand the mindset of Muslim homicide/suicide bombers, reminiscent of his programs in 1979 featuring Professor Mansour Farhang explaining why Americans should understand Iran’s taking of American hostages. Farhang is the author of U.S. Imperialism: From the Spanish-American War to the Iranian Revolution. The commissar hasn’t read this book but understands it lists all the American colonies worldwide, though California is not included.
***Care is to be taken in the matter of sensitivity to Islam. It has been reported that the Department of Defense explanation of the “Major Hasan Massacre” at Fort Hood makes no mention of Islamic radicals even though he screamed “Allah Akbar” as he shot down 13 Americans in cold blood. This being the case, the killing was not Islam-related officially, so Hasan is not a terrorist and the killings may not be referenced as a “man-caused disaster,” the new term for terrorism recently mandated officially by Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano, who has made it clear that the Koran, which requires the killing of infidel Americans, is not to be taken seriously, as is the case with the Holy Bible. In this regard, staffers are reminded not to mention pedophilia/homosexuality within 1,000 feet of many churches.
***All staffers are warned that body-mass measurements will be conducted as soon as possible in recognition of expected legislation determining the amount of such things as sugar, salt, meat, Big Macs, and beef jerky to be allotted to each citizen between the ages of one month and 150 years. It was first decided that the term “allowed” would be operative, but in keeping with the new theme of the party, i.e., that the government’s main responsibility is protecting each citizen from himself/herself, the term “allotted” points to the future as the administration prepares to take complete control of the food supply. Overweight or obese staffers will be sent, also, to the Durbin Gulag and Killing-Field Center for complete overhaul of their anatomies the old-fashioned way, sometimes called a peaceful Gulag Death March. The search for properly configured drill-sergeants (thin guys) has been unsuccessful, mostly because applications have been returned with the note that Congressmen/women have to go first.
***The ACLU has petitioned the DNC to show good faith vis-à-vis our Muslim brothers by making the effort to find a suitable location to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed for conspiring to blow away the WTC. Khalid has threatened a lawsuit over this matter and has stated publicly that if O.J. could beat the rap that easily he would be back to beheading republicans in Pakistan by the end of the year. Khalid further stated that, fully expecting Attorney General Holder to expedite his trial, he has grown a proper beard reaching to his navel for the occasion, prepared his “Allah Akbar” sermons (otherwise known as testimony), and foresworn-as-sacrifice eating dates and goat (his favorite foods) in purifying himself. His beard is driving him nuts, his sermon notes got flushed down the toilet (by a Marine, he claims), and he’s having date-wine withdrawal symptoms, things no self-respecting POW should ever have to endure. This request seems reasonable, especially since the Sheikh has been cooling his heels at Guantanamo (Senator Durbin’s favorite place – little joke there) since 2006 and has been a prisoner since 2003. So…staffers are to get busy and find a good location to suggest to AG Holder, who seems not to understand why New Yorkers don’t want Khalid in the Big Apple, even though Bill Moyers has tried to explain why everyone should understand Khalid’s problem and accept him as just doing his job vis-à-vis the Koran and infidels.
***In view of POTUS’s declaration of war against Wall Street today, Michael Moore is planning a new movie tentatively entitled “Obamessiah Redeems Fannie/Freddie” with the sub-title of “Goldman-Sachs and the Lost Covenant.” The rumor that POTUS said he was out to get G-S over its paltry contribution to his campaign of just $1 million, give or take a few thousand, is untrue and POTUS has said he will not say that again. Meanwhile VPOTUS has repeated that the three-letter word “jobs” is still the main concern of the administration and claims that VPOTUS Quayle should have been impeached as a bad example for third-graders 20 or so years ago for not being able to spell “potatoes,” a perfectly good seven-letter word.
***Please be advised that VPOTUS has indicated that he didn’t whisper a vulgarism in POTUS’s ear at the Health-Care signing the other day. He merely used the word that he always used during the campaign to describe John Edwards’ speeches, a word he made up and expects to be in the next Webster’s dictionary – fluffernutter. Biden hasn’t decided exactly what it means but he said it doesn’t mean what he said he didn’t say…or something like that.