From the office of the chairWOMAN, 12 January 2013
***Listen up! There’s been no memo since October because the chairWOMAN has been involved first with the election (no hanging chads in her district this time) and then in consultations with POTUS, VPOTUS, FLOTUS and an occasional dog-sitting duty with FDOTUS. The nasty rumor that she has been politicking for a cabinet position is wrong and she will not do that or dog-sit again. Her second job in the House has also taken some time although her vote is worth nil, so staffers are directed not to ask for special favors since she’s lucky to still have a nameplate, much less any political clout, the republican leadership being Neanderthal in its treatment of women and even most men.
***The rumor that POTUS is planning to create a Department of Gender may or may not be true, such is the secrecy surrounding top-priority matters. The LBGT gang has raised the issue of how many genders there are and of which one the Secretary should be, assuming, of course, that no straight white male, with or without tattoos or nose rings, would be given any consideration. Said to be first in line is Sandra Fluke, who brilliantly made the case before Congress for free condoms. Along this line, a new program is in the works called Obamacondomcare and will soon become a part of Obamacare. Under the provision, a doctor refusing to do an abortion at any fetus-stage will face 30 years in prison, and a daily government-allocation will be made to all women older than five years of two super-slimy-fail-safe-exotic condoms, featuring the two-second automatic-unrolling feature for overwhelming passion-attack panic. Also, a billion dollars will be budgeted for research into converting the pregnancy problem from women to men, who, even in POTUS’s new homosexual marriage-mode, cannot conceive and therefore actually be married.
***Since Senator Kerry has been nominated for State, no mention is to be made of the medals he threw over some fence in 1970 or thereabouts. Staffers are urged to write memos to the media outlets extolling the senator’s virtues, which, if not found or contrived personally, are listed in my office. The senator has said firmly that he did not say smart kids went to school and blockheads went to Iraq back when he considered another run for the presidency, and that he will never say that again.
***Be advised that the theme of the inauguration this month is Homosexual/Diversity Change, the natural sequence vis-à-vis the slogan in 2008, which was the rather simple, mundane Change. This being the case, the Rev. Louie Giglio has been disinvited from giving the benediction at the inauguration because he once preached that unrepentant homosexuality connotes sin. Magnanimously, Attorney General Holder has decided not to have him prosecuted for committing a hate-crime. Giglio is white, so make it clear in all correspondence and news releases that this action by POTUS was not race-based and remind that POTUS also disinvited the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah (God damn America) Wright, an African American, from praying in the 2009 inauguration, though not for the same reason. It just seemed unseemly that the reverend, having already prayed for the destruction of the country, would pray for POTUS (and probably himself) to be spared from the wrath of God.
***In keeping with the theme, Richard Blanco, a homosexual Latino, will read an original poem at the inauguration. The rumor that he has been cautioned about being too explicit is not true but he will not appear in drag in the parade. The fact that Defense Secretary nominee Hagel once said that one who is aggressively gay should not be an ambassador has not been a reason for withdrawing his nomination because not all homosexuals are aggressive, like the ones depicted in Sodom and Gomorrah. Hagel, a combat veteran, probably believes the same thing about homosexuals in the military, but he has already apologized about the ambassador thing and is no doubt backing down on the latter. If asked about this, simply mention that Hagel has evolved just as POTUS evolved regarding homosexuals marrying each other. Do NOT – repeat – DO NOT discuss how far either has evolved from ape-hood vis-à-vis the rest of us. The rumor that Hagel apologized because Holder threatened him with a hate-crime charge is not true and Holder has said he will not do that again.
***The rumor that, in keeping with the theme, POTUS will go to Iowa immediately after the inauguration to perform mass weddings of homosexuals to each other (but only in pairs, no matter the argument for threesomes or more-somes) is not true. Also, The DNC has been asked to suggest someone else to deliver the benediction at the inauguration, with the only firm stipulation that he/she/it (gender of transgenders unknown) be homosexual, in a committed relationship of at least six weeks and not Muslim since Islam sentences homosexuals to death, something of which POTUS, VPOTUS, FLOTUS and maybe even FDOTUS disapprove, though republicans might be another matter since they represent a danger to the nation. POTUS seems to be favoring a minimum-wage Afro-Asian left-handed Lesbian with a twelve-handicap at this point, so be advised. Political correctness is key and diversity must be observed. At least one inaugural ball will be devoted to homosexuals (no guns allowed for protection against jealous partners). Transvestites will be allowed, but anyone wearing stiletto heels will be turned away for obvious reasons.
***POTUS is devising executive orders to cover everything the Congress is or is not considering at present and is, in conjunction with fellow-anarchist and terrorist Bill Ayers, preparing a book on the un-Constitutionality of Congress. When former Illinois governor Blagojevich is released from jail, he and POTUS will prepare a similar book concerning the Supreme Court. Stay tuned…many CHANGES are taking place.