DNC Memorandum #11

[From the office of Chair, Democratic National Committee]

***There has been a good response to the change in the chairman’s title, beginning with DNC Memorandum 10, noted above. The title used in Memorandum 9 was Just-plain-citizen-convener SCREAM©, and there were other titles before that, each one representing a further attempt to proletariatize the committee and, by extension, the entire party – the party of the unsung working class. The current title, simply Chair, seems adequate since it is not followed by a name and is therefore properly anonymous, as any member of the party should be, lest he or she draw attention to self, such, as in this case, being recognized as a former governor of a powerful state having one representative in Congress, medical doctor of renown, best-prepared presidential candidate in 2004, highest-profile democrat in the world, most celebrated loather of republicans, and inventor of the most recognizable utterance in the nation, the DEAN-SCREAM©. Note: Anyone attempting to emulate the SCREAM without permission is susceptible to copyright-infringement laws. Permission has been granted to Senator Harkin, and only to the senator, for using the SCREAM in the next fundraiser in D.C. in celebration of the Miers withdrawal and the Libby indictment.

***In fervent anticipation of the killing of the 2,000th American in the Afghani-Iraqi dustups, the DNC sent out suggestions to the major networks earlier this month in an effort to urge them to celebrate this landmark event. I was traveling and got to watch only the ABC evening news program (still no permanent actor for the Jennings spot), but was almost overwhelmed by its celebration, labeled a MILESTONE, defined in the dictionary as “a significant point in development.” The 2,000th death was a godsend (no offense intended to religious folks – note the small “g”) to all those preparing for congressional races next year, as well as in state legislatures. As ABC indirectly noted, this death represents a tremendous boost in the Democrat Party’s chances for recapturing what rightfully belongs to the party of the people. Note: There have been some suggestions, probably from Karl Rove’s office, that the ABC honchos who indicated recently that the news area must become more entertaining have picked illiterates who have no idea of the meaning of “milestone” to effect the changes. At every opportunity, especially at fundraisers, be sure to report that ABC News is managed by the cream of the journalistic crop and that the term “milestone” was purposely used. The 2,000th death was a magnificent milestone for the party. We’re now working on the celebration of the 2,500th death. ABC is being asked to call it a “millennial milestone.”

***The nasty rumor making the rounds to the effect that Senators Kennedy, Leahy, Biden, Durbin, and Schumer, after the Judiciary Committee okayed John Roberts as Chief Justice, checked into a Maryland facility in which people having or bordering upon developing clinical depression receive therapy/treatment has not been thoroughly quashed. While it’s true that they were accused of baying at the moon at midnight near the SCOTUS building, they were just in their cups a bit and actually singing the Harvard fight song, obviously a bit off-key. They have forcefully denied the moon-baying and clinic-thing and unwaveringly promised not to do either again. The rumor that Justice Ginsberg, working late, applauded their performance is also not true, and she has promised not to do it again. All staffers are requested to send notes of encouragement to Justice Ginsberg as she searches for a privacy provision in the Constitution that allows for men to marry each other and women to marry each other, notwithstanding any sex-change operations, as citizens search for their identities. Indeed, on the next agenda there will be time for a discussion of ways to help people find their identities, with an emphasis on psychological approaches to high-profile republicans in an effort to help them see themselves as democrats and come out of the republican closet. A fellow Vermont colleague, Senator Jeffords, the highest-profile republican to date who has made the party-change, has been approached with a view toward becoming the convener.

***Former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore is running for the governorship of Alabama, and every effort will be made to get him defeated in the republican primary. If he’s successful, anyway, staffers are already at work designing the proper campaign to smear (for want of a better word) him in the general election. The theme at this point is that he is suffering from schizophrenia, switching back and forth between Moses and Dracula. Do not – repeat – do not badmouth Roy Moore anywhere. He is a West Point graduate and former company commander in Vietnam and has the bona fides to make a criticizer look silly and unpatriotic, no matter anyone’s position on Vietnam, the Ten Commandments, Moses, or Dracula. Simply express pity that such a great mind is being wasted, since great minds have nothing to do with religion or other superstitions; however, under no circumstances, term religion as the opiate of the masses, since that reminds of Karl Marx, and the Democrat Party doesn’t need that, even though Michael Moore is rumored to be making a movie called Centigrade 4000, extolling the virtues of socialism and hoping to star a Hillary look-alike.

***Though the DNC unofficially endorsed the MILLIONS MORE MOVEMENT held in Washington Oct. 15, play down this endorsement because there were so few participants, as well as because the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan, the organizer, is seen by many as a Muslim, which he is, and therefore in favor of killing Americans in Iraq and everywhere else. The MMM has been called a Farrakhan Coronation in some quarters, not least because of his exclusive use of the throne-like podium/lectern on the capitol steps. Noticeably forbidden that venue for speech-making were the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, fellow ministers in good standing, not to mention Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, all supported strongly by the DNC. It’s okay to mention that Farrakhan called attention to the bombing of the Lake Pontchartrain levee, as well as Jackson’s claim that a barge mysteriously hit the levee and ruptured it. Use common sense in this, since both hinted strongly that white people were trying to kill all the African Americans in New Orleans, and pick your venues carefully, since some white democrats who are sort of conservative might look askance at what amounts to attempted genocide. It’s okay to use the fight-slogan introduced at the MMM, “REMEMBER NEW ORLEANS.” You may have to explain this to college groups, since the ALAMO has probably been written out of current history books, as it should be, since Americans died fighting poor Mexican peasants there. Explain that it was over the oilfields, never mind that there weren’t any there in 1836. The college kids won’t know that…and probably not their professors, either. If anyone mentions PEARL HARBOR, change the conversation to the internment of Japanese citizens during World War II and the dropping of the atomic bombs – genuine atrocities.

***Everyone is advised to consider his/her audience with regard to mentioning Senator Durbin’s recent astoundingly eloquent and mournful comparison of American GIs with Hitler’s storm troopers, Stalin’s guardians of the gulags, and Pol Pot’s beheaders. Be careful in meetings of older democrats, since they remember the concentration camps, gulags, and killing fields and might resent the comparisons. In meetings with younger people, it’s okay to berate Bush and the government over Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, and whatever POW facilities, real or imagined, are in Afghanistan, since revisionist journalism is taught in colleges and universities now or, even better, no history at all is required. This is especially important since during the Clinton years the democrats looked sort of anemic. The mainstream media is on our side, so they can be depended upon to put the proper spin on the news programs, editorializing facts so that young people can be fooled into believing such outrages as that Scooter Libby is roughly on equal footing with Attila the Hun. Be careful not to mention that Valerie Plame Wilson’s husband, “Yellowcake Joe,” had already outed her as a CIA person before Libby ever mentioned her name. Note that the red type is back so that everyone remembers our war against the red states.