From the office of Tim Kaine, commissar, 12 March 2010
***It is hoped that no one will be unduly distressed at the title used above. For recent graduates, the term is defined in this country as: “one that attempts to control public opinion or its expression.” The definition known by most is: “a Communist party official assigned to a military unit to teach party principles and policies and to ensure party loyalty.” The title is being used as an experiment by the party in its effort to influence the proletariat, defined as: “the laboring class; especially: the class of industrial workers who lack their own means of production and hence sell their labor to live; the lowest social or economic class of a community.” In other words, the proletariat (for recent graduates) is the lower class. Please do not be turned off by these terms because they are almost exclusively identified with communism, especially as relating to those at the top of the governmental process operating in secret and badgering (but not water-boarding, except in rendition) all the workers (lower classes).
***In keeping with the new commissar-system being introduced now in the party and subsequently in the populace, the meetings concerning health-care legislation in the House are being held in secret, not least because the proletariat (including nearly all House members regardless of income) is too ignorant to understand complex issues such as the need to spend more than one possesses in order to get rich. It’s felt, also, that the bourgeoisie, defined in this country as the “middle class,” is also too ignorant to understand important matters of state, so only the sharpest minds – in this case Speaker Pelosi and her comrades, with some help from the POTUS and VPOTUS – are making the decisions vital to saving the country. Please be advised to emphasize constantly that the middle class (where most of the vote resides) is being given the greatest consideration class-wise (at least in manipulating the media) but never – repeat, NEVER – refer to these people as “bourgeoisie” since that sounds so Marxist/Russian and some of them might actually know what it means in communism, i.e., the “ruling class.” Never mind about the proletarians since they’re too ignorant to understand or care. Call them ninnies if you like, but only in private. Until further notice for all practical purposes, the democrat leadership is understood to be the “ruling class,” but referred to both privately and publicly as PUBLIC SERVANTS.
***In keeping with the new system, the party leaders, aided by some 34 czars appointed by the Chief Commissar (POTUS, for recent graduates), have already begun taking over the financial systems, auto companies, lending institutions and social programs, such as the New York Commissariat’s in its laws regarding individual salt- and sugar-intake in order to save people from themselves. In the new system, the ruling class (government) will eventually own everything. In this regard, you are directed never to mention that the CC smokes cigarettes and may even use snuff. If the subject arises, refer to the CC as president, since the connotation usually awarded the behavior of a criticized CC would quite simply imply the removal of your worthless head. Since murder isn’t done at this time, offenders will be assigned to the Durbin Gulag and Killing-Field Center (this designation allowable under the new system) for indoctrination as to allowable speech, never mind anything written in the U.S. Constitution, which is already being studied at the highest levels for a complete overhaul if not complete expunging.
***Please be aware of the “Eric Massa” affair with respect to the Chief Commissar’s determination to do away with banning known homosexuals in the military. Congressman Massa’s behavior, having come to light recently, has caused a number of former naval-personnel colleagues to come forward and express unflattering remarks about his strange behaviors, such as groping as well as the attempted pants-removing “snorkeling” of a colleague on a ship. Do not – repeat, DO NOT – discuss this matter publicly or even around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board. The president is determined to normalize such behaviors and will revert to CC status concerning the treatment of those discussing this matter. A word to the wise…even to the dumb proletarians among us!
***Under the new system, it will be necessary for me and those above me in the ruling class to know what each apparatchik in the DNC is saying/doing. This being the case, a manual is being prepared to instruct in the matter of eavesdropping, monitoring protestors, surveillance and reporting. Anyone not delivering the party line as outlined in the manual is to be reported to me and the method to be used is in the manual. This may sound un-Constitutional but it is for the general welfare, which is mentioned in the Preamble. Also, the manual will include instructions on how to disrupt protests staged by the republicans and tea-party gang. An example was seen outside the insurance-executives meeting in Washington recently, especially by members of the Service Employees International Union, which is actually an arm of the party, as is the AFL-CIO generally, though the Teamsters can sometimes be squirrely. Any staffer who wants to join a union, however, will be fired on the spot. The DNC will NOT be unionized under any circumstances.