From the office of the chairWOMAN, 25 October 2012
**Listen up!!! There’s been some complaining account the recording “I am Woman” being played throughout the building every hour at 90 decibels. This complaining is to stop. The reason for this noise is that everyone is to be reminded that a major POTUS campaign theme is the “Romney War on Women.” POTUS’s campaigning with Sandra Fluke and his insistence that she speak at the convention are paying off, even though I had to shorten my remarks. A new program is in the works called Obamacondomcare and will become a part of Obamacare after the reelection. Under the act, a doctor refusing to do an abortion at any fetus-stage will face 30 years in prison, and a daily government-allocation will be made to all women older than five years of two super-slimy-fail-safe-exotic condoms, featuring the two-second automatic-unrolling feature for overwhelming passion- attack panic. Also, a billion dollars will be budgeted for research into converting the pregnancy problem from women to men, who, even in POTUS’s new homosexual marriage-mode, cannot conceive and therefore actually be married.
**Be WARNED that any mention of the film “Innocence of Muslims” in any town-hall or other meeting will be grounds for drastic discipline (even criminal charges) or outright termination (job, not life, for bimbo interns). POTUS and his people, such as State Secretary Clinton, have not yet devised the proper accounting for what happened in Benghazi (massacre, for recent Harvard grads). If any participant mentions that POTUS and Clinton have been “all over the map” on this, remind him/her that POTUS said Romney had been “all over the map,” too. For obvious reasons, the accounting will be made after the reelection and since it is an in-house accounting will make POTUS appear as commander-in-chief of the whole world while leading from behind, a brand-new concept not yet understood by the hoi polloi. Do NOT try to explain this concept. Three professors at MIT have worked on it for a year and recently were discovered baying at the moon in Harvard Square.
**Door-to-door canvassing is now top-priority. Since there have been reports of residents being traumatized by rings and tattoos, this is the new rule: Nose-tongue-eyebrow-navel-pinkie-lip-nipple- and other rings must never be in evidence, requiring removal of or otherwise hiding them. Long sleeves and full-length pants are to be worn in the case of tattoos on legs and arms, and turtlenecks must be worn to hide neck-tattoos, popular now. In the Bible-belt, there’s to be no cleavage shown except in venues such as men’s service clubs, in which case there’s no limit and staffers may wear Monica-pins, as well. In the rest of the country, most anything goes, though bikinis are not allowed. The ring business also accrues to safety, since two heavily ringed Howard-Dean canvassers were struck by lightning in Kansas in 2004 and didn’t survive.
**There have been further questions about Senator Reid’s assertion that Romney has paid no taxes for ten years, notwithstanding elements that sort of refute his claim, such as tax returns, making Reid either loony-tunes or a humongous liar. As it was in August, a request has been made that the DNC find Reid’s informant, since in the pressing business of the Senate and time-consuming vacations the senator can’t remember who it was. The only response (anonymous) I’ve received designated his informant as “a little bird,” which I did not find amusing. So, a tire-gauge and light-bulb personally signed by POTUS will be awarded to the staffer who solves this problem.
**Rumors circulating around the bottled-water keg (D.C. water unsafe) and non-salt, non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush/BP/Limbaugh/Romney-dartboard that Candy Crowley will replace VPOTUS on the ticket account her sterling outing of Romney as a liar in the town-hall debate are untrue. A consulting firm determined that, while she possessed gravitas, she lacked the VPOTUS smirk used so effectively in the Veep debate. The rumor that I referred to it as the “jerk-smirk” is untrue and I will not say that again. Also, the rumor that VPOTUS plagiarized the smirk from David Letterman is untrue, as is the claim that Letterman told a gorgeous assistant in a usual tete-a-tete (use your imagination) that VPOTUS would wreck his jaw trying to emulate it.
**On the obvious assurance by the pollsters that POTUS will remain POTUS after the election, the usual jockeying for positions in the new Obama administration could be distracting. Do NOT be distracted but feel free to recommend me for any cabinet post, preferably State or Defense but NOT Homeland Security or Labor. My hair’s as good as Hillary’s any day. Come to think of it, so is a Golden Retriever’s. I have the credentials, not the least important being my second job as a Congressperson, though it doesn’t pay as much as DNC chairWOMAN. Note the sacrifice! Since to the victor belongs the spoils, read up on cronyism and act thusly in the coming days. POTUS is said to be planning a novel, win or lose, on the subject after the reelection, with the working title “Solyndra & the Czars.” His co-writer is said to be Chinese, recommended by the sculptor of the MLK Jr statue on the Mall, and rumored to have run the company that ran the POTUS/czar’s solar-panel company out of business.
**On the unthinkable and wholly impossible chance that POTUS will lose the election, be advised that there will be no severance pay and no laudatory referrals account the DNC predictably being blamed, thus making a referral worthless anyway. I will still be in Congress but don’t come near my office since all my time will be used in planning how to take Pelosi’s job, which pays more.