[From the office of Chair, DNC]
**For those of you who have been keeping track, the notation for the head of the DNC that was noted last time, Just-plain-citizen-convener SCREAM©, and which was the result of a number of changes as explained in Memorandum #8 the better to indicate the democratic makeup of the party, has been changed back to simply Chair, with no name attached in order that attention not be brought to bear on the doctor, presidential campaigner, and former governor of Vermont who heads the DNC and is known for his courage in admitting to his loathing of republicans, demanding the deserting of the Iraqis, and blaming President Bush for Katrina, using as his basis the Pat Robertson Manifesto, to wit, that the hurricane was the direct result of God’s wrath upon the Gulf Coast because of Bush’s sins, especially, as remarked by the Green Party, in his indiscriminate use of chain saws at his Crawford ranch to destroy trees for no better reason than cutting them into fuel for his fireplace. The Greens have promised a white paper soon, explaining why Crawford was not hit, and have hinted that a tornado is expected there soon, since hurricanes weaken considerably on land and have never been known to blow away Crawford.
**There’s a nasty rumor making the rounds to the effect that Senators Kennedy, Leahy, Biden, Durbin, and Schumer have checked into a Maryland facility in which people having or bordering upon developing clinical depression receive therapy/treatment. There is no truth to this rumor, which is said to have been imparted by Karl Rove to a newsperson at ABC, now in the process of reconfiguring its news operation to make it conform more adequately to the entertainment concept. While it is true that the five senators were viewed and heard baying at the moon just after midnight of the last day of the hearings for John Roberts regarding his nomination to be Chief Justice of the SCOTUS, the official word is that they were merely unwinding a bit, as good men and true often must, especially when made to look like jackasses before a nationwide TV audience. The five senators had gone into the hearing with 52 notebooks of memoranda, 2,500 documents, Ipods, and two aides apiece to whisper pertinent information to them during the few times Roberts spoke, while Roberts had only a glass of water, no documents, no aides, no pencils, no legal pads, no law-books, and did not sneer. It is also rumored that Senator Feingold joined them the next day at the loony bin because he could not stop frothing at the mouth, as he, instead of Schumer, had done during the hearing. These men have declared categorically that they have not checked into any such facility, and have promised not to do so again.
**The confirmation is by no means a sure thing. Senator Leahy (Note: anyone referring to the senator as “Senator Leaky” will be fired.) has hired 14 private investigators, three gossip columnists, Michael Moore, and MoveOn.org in an effort guaranteed to dig up some dirt on Roberts. Since, according to the senator nobody in D.C. could be as squeaky clean as Roberts is said to be, it will be just a matter of days before a scintillating scandal will be discovered, and Roberts will be consigned from now on to his present appellate-court assignment, assuming he is not impeached because of what the senator’s good work accomplishes. Particular attention is being given to any female interns who might have snapped their thongs at the Justice department or at the SCOTUS, going all the way back to Roberts’ days as a law clerk there. Meanwhile, Dan Rather is rummaging through all D.C. warehouses, hunting for any old typewriters or wastebaskets from SCOTUS on the chance that a Roberts memo or maybe an old carbon copy of at least a dirty joke might be there. In addition, three former staffers of former Senator Metzenbaum, the ones who found Anita Hill in 1991 to deep-six the Clarence Thomas nomination to the court, are searching diligently for anyone (male or female) who might have been sexually harassed by Roberts, but promising that any potential witness will have compelling accounts not easily picked apart in another committee hearing or leading to perjury, as was the case with Hill.
**The contest for the best snide remark regarding Laura Bush’s “comedy routine” at the Washington press Corps dinner last spring has gone exceedingly well. The first prize of a trip to the Clinton Library, an autographed CD of the DEAN SCREAM®, and an opportunity to visit with Dan Rather (who is considered the snidest former anchorman ever to have existed) goes to a staffer, who shall remain anonymous in keeping with the proletarian concept of non-elitism, for this snide gem: Laura Bush has poor taste in clothes, jokes, and mothers-in-law, but her poorest taste is seen in her choice of husband. Second prize of a gold-plated chainsaw (given in order to interest the men, since female catty remarks were expected to be overwhelmingly numerous) went to another staffer for this snide treasure: Even though she joked about being a desperate housewife, Laura Bush is not a desperate housewife, since desperate housewives are human. The anonymous judges spent many hours studying the responses, and will be thanked privately for the same reason as the one accruing to the winners, i.e., that everyone must maintain the lowest common denominator as the proper level of existence, with the current chair as perhaps a necessary exception.
**It has been reported that some staffers snicker in their meetings around the water fountain about the recent remark by Minister Louis Farrakhan regarding the probability that the largest breach in the New Orleans levee was caused by explosives planted by a mysterious group of white people aiming to wipe out the black population of New Orleans. Though the minister’s remarks have not been backed up by proof and probably never will be, they are to be taken seriously since he controls a large segment of voters. This becomes more important if either Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, or both, make a similar charge, since democrats always control 90% of the black vote. Whether you agree or not, treat these charges seriously and promise any African American the DNC’s total cooperation in bringing these white murderers to justice. Upon pain of being fired, do not refer to Farrakhan as Calypso Louie or Qaddafi’s gift to America or make any remarks about Jackson’s proclivity for having children with ladies other than his wife or Sharpton’s recent speeding ticket in Texas, awarded as his chauffeur whisked him away from that famous meeting with Cindy Sheehan, whom you may feel free to characterize as the “soul of the nation.”
**Snickering has also been heard with regard to New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin’s reference to the USS Comfort, a huge navy hospital ship, as that “little ship.” Nagin is also not to be ridiculed for his remark that his plan for un-evacuating the city with 180,000 immediate returnees has excited (euphemism for discomfited or scared the bejabbers out of) the head honchos of FEMA. It is to be understood that Nagin controls huge voting blocs of blacks and is not to be referred to as an idiot for inviting people back into an area with human waste and toxic chemicals on the streets, no electricity, no phones, no water, no sewage disposal, and no proper locations for looting or other pastime activities that could be described as jobs. Also, the word “murderer” has been bandied about regarding the deaths of the old people in hospitals and nursing homes whom Nagin made no attempt to evacuate before Katrina hit. Make the point when this comes up that Nagin told those old people sometime Sunday before the hurricane hit early Monday to, as Jesus might have said, “take up their beds and walk.” This biblical reference will spin well with blacks (especially Baptists and Pentecostals) and a lot of charismatics and Christian Science folks, whose votes the DNC needs badly.
**Note that, whereas the color of the type in previous memoranda has been red but reverted to black recently (Memoranda #7 and #8) account recognizing Senator Durbin’s astoundingly eloquent and mournful comparison of American GIs with Hitler’s storm troopers, Stalin’s guardians of the gulags, and Pol Pot’s beheaders, the background of memos is now red, reminding everyone of the unrelenting enemy – the red states. The latest polls show, however, that Americans do not favor therapy, lawyers, their own mosque with rugs having Velcro linings and signs pointing to the East for prayer-time, water-resistant Korans, self-esteem talks from Castro, and a daily ration of goat-ribs and poppy seeds for the detainees at Guantanamo. Note, when speaking of Durbin in answer to his critics who accuse him of having spent the last decade on Mars, that he joined fellow democrats on the Judiciary Committee in pleading with nominee Roberts to speak from his heart, not from stuffy old things like the Constitution, so that they could determine if he was compassionate, actually the only issue with respect to being a justice. This should prove that Durbin is not an alien but a “nice guy,” who meant no harm.