From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 04 August 2012
**LISTEN UP! In case you’re whining about no memorandum since May, forget it! Stuff it! I’ve been busy sabotaging the House, offering advice to POTUS, and taking trips to resort areas in view of upcoming DNC conclaves. POTUS has said that people should be spending more than a drunken sailor, the better to get the economy rolling, but has not authorized free whiskey at Walmarts, as has been claimed. A program is now in the works for the exchange of old energy-guzzling clunker-refrigerators/stoves/AC-units for new solar-paneled ones, with $2,000 available for each transaction. This might make a problem on cloudy days but POTUS has said all spoiled food will be replaced and that patriotic people should not care anyway…the same for paying up to 90% of income in taxes.
**Do not – repeat, DO NOT – ever mention the POTUS masterpiece Dreams from My Father during the campaign since researchers have not yet found any actionable (good CIA term) dirt on Romney, other than that his wife rides horses, a blatant abuse of the creatures, whom Head Czar Sunstein and PETA insist should be entitled to legal services. POTUS went to some trouble to describe in the book his heavy use of alcohol and other drugs. That was a selling point for the youth vote in 2008, but it’s passé now since old codgers, who frown on such stuff, outnumber young voters, who are mad because, not finding employment anywhere but fast-foods, they’ve been forced to move back in on their parents, who in most cases will not ante up for the mary jane. Also, POTUS’s old girl-friends (okay…roommates, partners…whatever) have come out of the woodwork (imagine love letters, too) and fornication is still frowned on by old Baptists in the South who don’t know how to have fun. So…stay off the personal stuff. Romney’s folks will be digging anyway, so don’t do them any favors.
**Since Memorandum #8, there has been a request from the White House for research on the god that SCOTUS Justice Thomas worships. It was noted in a West Virginia speech by the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright (forget that God damn America stuff), who never tells a lie, that Thomas, who says he is a Catholic, worships another god, but didn’t say which one, though it most likely is not the Rev. Dr. Imam Ayatollah Louis Farrakhan…so don’t go there. I want on my desk a red/yellow/black/white paper entitled Justice Thomas’s Paganism no later than 15 August concluding this subject. For Harvard Law grads, names like Buddha, Confucius, Zen, Obamessiah (little joke there) might ring a bell. Since diversity is a sacred tenet of the DNC, Great White Father might be another place not to go, not even on the Reservations, where casinos, not heaven, are considered the Happy Hunting Ground.
**Do not make a big deal out of the Chick-fil-A protests. Mayor Rahm Emanuel agreed to make the White House noise on this issue by inviting this restaurant never to come to Chicago, which has a stockyard rather than a henhouse history, though that had nothing to do with homosexuals marrying each other. The whole thing backfired, with the restaurant having its best day ever after Huckabee’s declaration of 01 August as Normal Marriage Day. The staffer who sent Emanuel a dead fish will be disciplined. The DNC’s position on marriage is simply that people can marry anything they like – male, female, work, Old Granddad-100-proof. POTUS may enlarge the privilege if elected, so choose your spots regarding the kinky town-halls held in bars or houses of ill-repute, and strip-joints. Head Czar Sunstein insists that he never said the neighbor’s dog qualifies and that he won’t mention it again, even as he returns to Harvard Law, where the POTUS transcript, LST and GPA have been locked away forever.
**Senator Reid has requested the DNC to find the person who he said told him that Romney has paid no taxes for ten years, except maybe the last two, since he has presented the return for 2010 (paid a paltry $3 million income tax and gave away a bit more than that) and is about to deliver the 2011 return. Attorney General Holder is said to be in the process of suing Romney for the ten years and maybe sending him to the pokey but hasn’t figured out a way of explaining why Romney isn’t already in jail or at least having his income garnisheed a la Willie Nelson. Do NOT – repeat – DO NOT mention Reid’s ties to the mob in Nevada, not that that’s unusual, just not attractive in an election year. Mob money is as good as anyone else’s so cultivate mobsters when in Nevada or on the Reservations…they’re our kind of people.
**POTUS has requested that the DNC set up a liaison office with NYC Mayor Bloomberg’s office for the purpose of synchronizing efforts to prohibit hospitals from allowing formula in maternity areas, with the out-year goal of enacting laws requiring only breast-feeding for the first six months of a baby’s life. This will necessitate setting up “latching-areas” in all establishments, including but not limited to houses of the rising sun, the military (including combat zones), coal mines and offshore drilling rigs. The goal is equal-opportunity-breastfeeding, thus establishing a super-race, though that term is not to be used…too reminiscent of Hitler’s thousand-year Third Reich that lasted ten years.
**POTUS has expressed an interest in either the complete rewriting of the Constitution or at least that part that limits a president to only two terms. He has already made the case that the document doesn’t even provide for distribution and redistribution and even re-redistribution of wealth. Those on the receiving end of redistribution and especially re-redistribution are said to be in the majority now, meaning that they can – or soon will be able to – outvote the fools who work for wages not calculated by the government, in the first place. The DNC has been charged with making this case, though in an election year I haven’t the time to oversee it since my second-job in the House requires a vote occasionally, not that it means anything since the repubs run the place. Former Bill Clinton-genius James Carville has agreed to head up this project but will need help in transforming his Louisiana language into English. Caution: Do not utter the word “Snakehead” while in his presence.