DNC Memorandum #1
Office of the Chairperson, Governor Tim Kaine, 18 March 2009

***Greetings to all the worthy staffers at the Democratic National Committee. Though I’ve been your chairperson for some time now, this is my first memorandum. I apologize for not having communicated earlier but, as you know, things have been hectic since the inauguration, the most historic event in history because an African American has been elected president, though the content of his character and not the color of his skin was the issue. Nor, as some have claimed, did it demonstrate that race trumps gender or that one gender trumps another, notwithstanding race, as the talking-head republicans, otherwise known as lovable idiots, have claimed. The truth, as all reasonable people know, is that $700 million can accomplish just about anything. This being the case, the DNC will institute a “development seminar” soon to train staffers in the art of extracting cash from every possible entity in every way possible. In this regard, do not mention that President Obama and State Secretary Clinton made any kind of a deal with respect to her recouping the $12 million she lost in trying for the top spot. Both have claimed that no such deal took place and that they will not make any deals again.

***It has been called to my attention that snickering has been taking place around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue-state-map, and Bush-dart-board regarding the claim by Speaker Pelosi that the president jogs on the Potomac River. This will not be tolerated, nor will snickering be tolerated regarding the joke (rumored to be made by Limbaugh) that Staff Chief Emanuel tried to jog out from the Jefferson Memorial to meet the president one morning, lacked the proper faith and had to be rescued from drowning by the Coast guard since the president couldn’t break stride to grab him account losing too few calories. Also, the rumor that Speaker Pelosi aggravated her arthritis by jumping up and down too many times during the president’s state-of-something speech and by clapping her hands too hard is not true, nor is it true that she had her feet botoxed the next day, per suggestion of Senator Kerry. It was actually the next week.

***House Finance Committee Chairman Frank has been noted on Fox News as saying in an interview last July that was taped and therefore irrefutable, unfortunately: “I think this is a case where Fannie and Freddie are fundamentally sound, that they are not in danger of going under.” The two FMs were, of course, already under, so the chairman was technically correct, thus staffers are to remark upon the exemplary honesty exhibited by Frank, who, nevertheless, has said that Fannie and Freddy happen to be close friends of his (descendants of the Flintstones – little joke there) and had invested only 99.5% of their assets with Madoff, thus were in no danger of going under and were doing quite well living in their car.

***Questions have been asked concerning the whereabouts and activities of former chairperson Dr. Howard Dean. I’m delighted to report that Howard is back in Vermont, though not practicing medicine. He’s available for speeches and will work them in according to his schedule in refurbishing, maintaining and operating the bike paths in the state. The rumor that he sent Rahm Emanuel a dead fish is not true, and Howard has said he will not do it again unless Emanuel puts a dead horse-head in his bed again. As he mentioned in his last memorandum in November, he has developed a new scream. Instead of the "On to Wisconsin" motif, it will be a simple but hugely amplified WHOOPEE!!! It will be a sort of cross between a Tarzan yell and a diesel-locomotive-horn and is already copyrighted, so you may not use it without permission. He plans to introduce the new DEAN SCREAM© in a speech sponsored by the ACLU at Guantanamo. It will be billed as the "I Have a Scream II" speech but will be directed toward the ocean in order not to offend the prisoners unless the Greens nix this plan account of disturbing the whale mating-calls. The last time he did the scream in Vermont, a traumatized moose mated with a racehorse, with the result being a mule-deer nobody can catch.

***It was also noted in November that Michael Moore has scrubbed his new movie project tentatively entitled "The Great Satan is Red and Caucasian" in favor of a newer movie tentatively entitled "Calypso Louie Discovers Messiah." The background music will be reggae and Harry Bellafonte will appear to sing the Fig-newton Boat Song. The Right (actually Left) Reverend Honorable Dr. Imam Farrakhan, ayatollah of Chicago, has promised to play the theme-song of the movie on his violin. The music will include segments of the national anthems of olde-European countries in the interest of advancing socialism. It will also include the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright delivering the most poignant part of his “God Damn America” sermon in the interest of reparations.

***A delicate matter requiring intelligent treatment: The installation of Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary has been unfairly condemned by conservatives on the basis that he didn’t pay his taxes. The interpretation (sometimes called “spin” by mean-spirited republicans) of this matter is that all Americans try to figure a way not to pay taxes, so Geithner is perfectly normal and should be commended for getting away with not paying for all but two years. Also, especially since the president has vowed to bring honesty back to Washington, please explain State Secretary Clinton’s experience in Bosnia in 1996, wherein she said she had to run for her life to dodge sniper fire, as a simple senior moment, in which she either didn’t see that the sniper was a fifth-grader or that she suspected the small girl had an AK-47 ensconced in that bouquet of flowers she handed the then first lady.

***Finally, those who have been preparing position papers for the president dealing with the subject, “the typical Muslim,” may discontinue their efforts since the president has obviously been elected. The same is true for his request regarding the “typical Pentecostal.” Palin lost, obviously. He has requested that I thank those who worked hard to help him form a satisfactory description of the “typical white person,” and has said he feels your effort helped him win. To show good faith, the president is planning an “apology trip” to Pennsylvania in order to erase his mistake in regarding Christians as grasping their Bibles in their anxieties and hunting for illegal immigrants (actually, any immigrants, as if anybody wants to mine coal) with their shotguns held fast to their bosoms.

***Notwithstanding that the government owns 80% of AIG and various and assorted other once-private enterprises such as Chrysler and GM, the rumor that bonuses are in line for everyone as retention incentives is absolutely false, as is the rumor that every staffer will be given a union card and a company car. To the contrary, in keeping with the spirit of the vice president, who averaged giving $369 per year over the last decade to charity, everyone will be granted a five percent cut in salary. I have already told Vice President Biden about your magnanimous gesture to the party. If you should find it impossible to make this gesture, you have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in any other occupation of your choosing. This is a great country.