From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-leader (Hooray for our side!)
***First, a word of appreciation for all the hard work. Our man has won and the nation will never be the same. The rumor that DCCC Chairman Rahm Emanuel, soon to be Senator Obama's chief of staff, has challenged me to a duel is untrue. The fact that I was right in 2005 and have been ever since regarding the management of the party has been construed by NBC/ABC/CBS/MSNBC/CNN and Dan Rather as a slap in Emanuel's face, thus properly demanding a duel a la Aaron Burr-mode, is the cause of this rumor. Dueling is against the law, of course, but if goaded I will suggest marshmallows at 30 feet, and the Honorable Right Reverend Imam Dr. Louis Farrakhan will be my second, having earned that right by correctly identifying Obama as the Messiah. In line to be Emanuel's second is Michelle Obama, having earned that right by correctly identifying the nation as being mean, thus an ideal location for a duel. In any case, a possible duel will not be fought in Pennsylvania, since the citizens there might clutch their Bibles and handguns together and accidentally kill someone while flipping to Psalm 23.
***It's been reported that Senator Kerry is seeking to be the new Secretary of State, and this office has been requested to make every effort to find the medals and ribbons he threw over the fence in 1971. He has presented a number of versions of this patriotic act, which obviously qualifies him for the post and could be used in his Senate Foreign Affairs Committee hearing, though the senator has no clear memory of which medals or what fence or exactly what day were involved but is certain that it didn't happen in Cambodia at Christmas-time in 1968. Metal detectors will be assigned to staffers who are willing to search. In the absence of success, the rumor is that a medical doctor who can perform electoral miracles would be next in line and especially useful in dealing with Kenya's health officials, Prime Minister Odinga (Obama's cousin), and terrorists, all groups perhaps being the same.
***Senator Clinton has posted a notice on the bulletin board by the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, and blue-state-map that she is accepting contributions to help pay back her $12.5 million loan to herself during the primary race. Those who can't give cash are invited to mow her lawn, do her laundry, write hate-republican speeches for her and carry signs at the capitol generally espousing her ousting of Majority Leader Reid. Use your ingenuity in doing this. For instance: STOP THE WHINE; CLINTON IN 09. The senator (or somebody – little joke there) is writing a book of explanation tentatively entitled "It Takes a Majority to Raise Anything."
***Incoming Vice President Biden exuberantly PROMISED in a recent speech that someone would throw a world crisis at President Obama within six months of next January 20. The recently announced deployment of Russian missiles near Poland doesn't count (this crisis rightly belongs to Bush and Cheney), even if it's true (unlikely), and no other evidence of world crises is currently extant or even predicted. Biden has requested a small group of the brightest staffers to volunteer for an effort to foment a crisis somewhere outside the country (maybe Tijuana), but not too serious to demand anything more than just a slight payoff (maybe just a couple million for somewhere like Grand Cayman Island). Volunteers will be responsible for all expenses (including burial, especially eventuating from an overdose). This means, of course, that San Francisco is not eligible, even though it has tried to foment a military crisis for Bush and even though its city council does not consider the city part of the U.S. Biden has made it plain that he simply cannot break a promise, especially since the campaign blew up his plagiarism gaffe again.
***Incoming Vice President Biden explained last year and until he dropped out of the presidential race months ago, with one-half a delegate, that the presidency is not an on-the-job-training exercise, so incoming President Obama has requested a red/yellow/black/white (diversity-cool) paper describing his completed training for the job. The staffer who comes up with this document will naturally use Obama's Berlin victory as evidence of world-affairs erudition. Consequently she/he/it will be given a trip to Berlin as reward but will have to pay all expenses. I never said that working at the DNC would be a rose-garden, and I won't say it again.
***Former Deputy National Security Adviser in the Clinton administration James Steinberg is rumored to be in line as Obama's National Security Adviser. This being the case, staffers are required to never mention the 1993 WTC bombing, the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing, the 1998 embassy-bombings in Kenya and Tanzania, and the 2000 USS Cole bombing, or 9/11. The reason is obvious, of course, and the 9/11 episode is mentioned because it, too, was hatched in the Clinton administration and everybody knows this – even in Appalachia and Arkansas. Also – and this is extremely important – never mention that no terrorist attacks have been made in this country since 9/11…again, for obvious reasons.
***I am virtually certain of keeping my job but am requesting that all staffers keep a lookout for positions calling for a first-class political/medical/propaganda ace in the slight chance that Emanuel or Speaker-Grandma Pelosi will demand a pound of Vermont flesh…and I don't mean that of Senator "Leaky" (couldn't resist) Leahy.
***There have been inquiries as to why Senator Obama made his victory speech in Grant Park without any supporters, campaign staffers, fund-raisers of $607 million, girls-for-Obama, etc., appearing with him on the stage. This was due to the precedent set by the Honorable Reverend Dr. Louis Farrakhan at the 2005 "Millions More" affair in D.C., who alone (okay, his daughter, too) spoke from the main throne while all other speakers, including the Rev. Al Sharpton and Dr. Julianne Malveaux, were forced to speak from the secondary throne. The Grant Park enthroning indicated that Messiah is set apart, just as was the case with the Greek columns at the convention in Arizona, notwithstanding that the Apaches and not the Greeks "inhabited the land." Give no credence to the rumor that President Obama will nominate SCOTUS judges who will promise to rule that the term "president" in the Constitution can be legally interchanged with "Messiah" or what any president chooses to rule appropriate. This does not apply to the vice presidency since the term Vice Messiah is a hopeless oxymoron.
***President (word just came that the senator requires that title now instead of waiting for the inauguration) Obama no longer has any need for red/yellow/black/white papers describing a typical Pentecostal and typical Muslim, since the election is over and so who cares what either one is. The votes are in. President Obama is also reconsidering the definition of a typical white person, also now that the election is over. No staffer need worry about having to work on this. The rumor is that the services of the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright and Father Michael Pfleger have been engaged in constructing the new definition. When they have finished their work, Michael Moore will produce a movie on the subject tentatively entitled "The Great Satan is Red and Caucasian."