From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair/genius, Democratic National Committee
***Please be advised that the as-yet-unknown staffer/wag who sent out the latest bio of John Edwards printed in lavender will be disciplined – more drastically than the usual forced-listening of tapes of Bush saying “nucular” 5,000 times – and may even be demoted to the “Biden Plagiarism-Watch Department.” A position-paper is being prepared concerning Mr. Edwards’ remark on Meet The Press on 04 February that if elected in 2008 he will absolutely (his word) guarantee that homosexuals will be part of the military. This means that they must be accepted and that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” test will be rescinded. Since Mr. Edwards has not indicated yet that he “misspoke,” and in view of what happened in 1993 when President Clinton initiated his administration by attempting the same thing (and failing), the position-paper is necessary. Mr. Edwards also mentioned twice that he was raised “Southern Baptist” and even baptized “Southern Baptist,” so the paper will set out the party’s position regarding Sodom, Gomorrah, and San Francisco, meaning that a poll will be taken soon (except among Southern Baptists and members of the military, of course). In the meantime, candidates will do well to avoid this subject, especially anywhere south of the Ohio River.
***Please be advised that Senator Biden has, by actual count, publicly apologized 500 times to Senator Obama and 300 times apiece to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for his implying that Senator Obama is the first African American in 400 years to become both articulate and clean, thus easing the stress on Senator Obama’s parents and other relatives occasioned by their having preceded Senator Obama and also relieving stress on Jesse and Al for whatever trauma they claim to have suffered. Since one is not in the dictionary, a definition for “fluffernutter,” the term Senator Biden used to describe Mr. Edwards’ remarks about the Iraqi War (and everything else), will be issued soon. The rumor that the wag who combined the terms “fluff” and “nutter” in a recent Web site to create the definition foolishness by a nutcase will be called as a witness if Mr. Edwards sues Senator Biden for Defamation of Character is unfounded and not to be repeated. The rumor that Jesse and Al and the NAACP will join Mr. Edwards, also acting as lead lawyer, in a class action suit against Senator Biden and the Senate (as his employer and thus culpable) is also false.
***Senator Clinton is demanding that Senator Biden distribute an explanation for this statement made by him to a New York Observer reporter recently: “Everyone in the world knows her.” She claims that this statement has damaged her reputation, that she has received lewd e-mails because of it, that reporters are camping out at her front door 24/7 and taking pictures of everyone entering and leaving the house, and that her husband has refused to speak to her since the statement was made. Even her trash-cans have been searched and it is rumored that National Inquirer plans to do an expose on her private life. Senator Biden has said he never made the statement and will not make it again, but that he will issue an explanation.
***Applications are still available for anyone wanting to use the services of the DNC in running for the presidency in 2008. Nine eager candidates are in the picture but more are needed to fill the year between now and primary/caucus elections, since most of the nine have been stating their positions for a long time and have nothing new to offer. Boredom is a lethal enemy, so anyone with new ideas – especially regarding the war, abortion, health-care, and Super Bowl halftime – is welcome to enter the contest. A “New Ideas” form will be sent, so prospects are urged to read the position-papers of the announced and predictable unannounced candidates so as not to appear boring. Example of new idea for Iraqi War: Declare victory and invite all Sunni men to bring a personal homicide/suicide bomb to a Shiite mosque featuring a film of the 72 virgins after prayer-time.
***A new pamphlet is available concerning effective ways to announce candidacies. Some candidates have already used suggestions. Senator Clinton announced in a “fireside chat a la FDR” on the Internet and thus did not have to answer questions while appearing calm, reasonable, and…well…not her usual self (little joke there). Senator Dodd announced on the morning TV clambake with Imus, thus subjecting himself to ridicule, always a sure-fire technique to get the votes of the little old ladies in sneakers. Mr. Edwards leased a backyard in New Orleans for the entire election season to announce his campaign, with the intention to return there periodically to make speeches and hold press conferences. Staffers who are assigned to Mr. Edwards’ campaign are reminded that porta-johns will be available, since the backyard will not have a sewer-connect in the near future.
***Since President Bush observed right after Senator Biden had already made the observation that Senator Obama is articulate, the “A-word” (articulate, for the dummies) is now forbidden in all DNC printed material, on TV appearances, and on all the ships at sea, since anything upon which Bush and Biden agree must be bad, and especially since Biden implied that Al and Jesse don’t have it. Anything they don’t have, ipso facto, is bad, and allusions to it must not be made. This means that the “A-word” is now DNC code for ignorance and thus may be applied to Southern Baptists and similar political miscreants.
***Finally, impeachment proceedings have not been abandoned but are on hold for now. This is partly due to the fact that Representatives Hastings and Jefferson could be in a tight spot with regard to impeachment if attention is called to malfeasance, misfeasance, or any other feasance, not to mention criminal activity, especially if Representative Murtha’s famous “cash episode” is flashed on the O’Reilly Factor at least once a week.