Democratic National Committee Memorandum #1 Concerning Startup Operations:
(1) For the foreseeable future, no staff-person is to talk to any news organization representative without written permission from Chairman Dean, who is in the process of establishing appropriate "talking points." When these points are made available and permission is granted, the DNC representative will steer every interviewer to only the talking points. For instance, if the newsperson asks about Iraq, the answer is that the DNC does not recognize the sovereignty of Iraq and, therefore, will not discuss a hypothetical. The DNC also does not recognize the Defense and State Departments or the state of Texas; therefore, comments are to be made with care with reference to Rumsfeld, Rice, or Bush. Usually but not always, Chairman Dean will handle from headquarters all questions such as those relating to the Iraqi/Afghan elections, the proper trial defense for Saddam, and the president's overuse of Camp David.
(2) No worker is to say anything derogatory about either France, Germany, or Canada. When questioned about these areas, workers will attempt to make the State Department look weak and out of touch. For instance, it is well documented that French President Chirac kissed Secretary Rice's hand at the time of her official visit, the obvious conclusion being that she allowed herself to be placed in a compromising situation, in the process proving that Chirac outsmarted her while not hurting himself, since French-kissing is considered an art in France, but as titillating and often even promiscuous in this country, inviting the element of blackmail with regard to any public servant. In handling this matter, be careful not to say anything that might lead to a question about the Monica/Bill wretchedness. If, however, that matter should arise, insist that Bill never kissed Monica's hand.
(3) Staffers are free, under the above requirements, to appear on all TV networks except Fox News. Shows such as Larry King Live on CNN and the Today show on NBC are okay, but special permission must be acquired from Chairman Dean for an appearance on O'Reilly's The Factor, and any staffer calling in to Rush Limbaugh will be fired on the spot, or at least as soon as his/her identity is learned. There will be a voice database set up soon so that the voices of all staffers will be on record, so the use of fictitious names will be pointless. In this regard concerning voices, there is never to be made any reference to the SCREAM, and any staffer even humorously imitating it will be sued by Chairman Dean for defamation of character or infringement upon a copyrighted sound, whichever, seems the most applicable. This also applies to all staffers who become disgruntled, quit or are fired, and attempt revenge through the media. If interviewed by Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer, be sure to arrange a crying session, even if you must offer a subject to induce same. Make every effort to show sympathy, empathy, sorrow, joy - whatever the emotion of the moment entails.
(4) Since an effort must be made in the South to gain support, the effort must be made to understand NASCAR, church revivals, and at least a passing knowledge of the names of Confederate Civil War generals. Be sure to accuse Sherman and U.S. Grant of perfidy, but only in the South. Do this with care because there is a handful of media types who might leak this in the North, although most of them wouldn't know Confederate generals from the Notre Dame backfield of 1939. Cultivate a taste for grits and hominy, and DO NOT grimace when eating these foods. While they may appear as poisonous to the palate, Chairman/Doctor Dean assures that they will not harm and may even aid and abet the workings of the alimentary canal. If this should overly happen, be sure to have on hand at all times a bottle of Pepto-Bismol or Imodium. If you should actually like these foods, you may need to be reeducated at an indoctrination facility soon to be established, since you may be more red than blue.
(5) No mention is to be made of Social Security until and if the DNC, especially Chairman Dean, has established a position. The DNC has been studying this matter for 20 years now, and is finalizing plans so that workers may retire at age 38, receive 90 percent of their last salary, and take advantage of the Homestead Act, with all of the cost borne by the top one percent of taxpayers. DO NOT use the term REDISTRIBUTE THE WEALTH with regard to this matter, since 64 percent of all workers own stock or Mutuel Funds, and this approach regarding the tax and redistribution system is said by many economists to have wrecked the communist systems toward which they say democrats are trending. Always make the point that Chairman Dean balanced Vermont's budget, but never mention that the state's population is 96.8 percent white and that the state's gross product is roughly half that of Rhode Island, the smallest state.
(6) Until further notice, make no mention of military service or medals awarded to anyone, whether by subterfuge or for appropriate reasons. If queried about the military service of Chairman Dean, simply reply that he never claimed to be in Cambodia during Christmas 1968, with that thought seared in his memory, or that he did not travel to France in 1970-71 to talk world affairs with North Vietnamese honchos with a view toward either saving the world or running for office, or both, and that he has never met Jane Fonda. Also, make no mention of overhauling the nation's health system on the order of Senator Clinton's plan of 1993, when she was said by economists to threaten the nation with bankruptcy.
(7) Be very careful to stick to facts and at all costs avoid innuendo, since it is quite important to not alienate any good democrat, always keeping in mind that Chairman Dean will furnish the proper "talking points" soon, and give helpful hints as to the proper way to handle questions about specific office-seekers. As a precaution regarding alienation of entire voting blocs, please never mention the names of Senators Kennedy, Biden, or Harkin in any southern state, although you may use your own judgment with respect to Senator Byrd, since he once was a mover and shaker in the KKK. In the northern states, it will be inappropriate to mention southerners Al Gore and John Edwards, since they both lost national elections in recent years. In women's groups, it will be okay to invoke the name of Bill Clinton, since he is still considered a "hunk" and is, of course, the nation's top democrat. In men's groups, it will be okay to mention astronaut/Senator John Glenn, for obvious reasons, or the Dixie Chicks, for even more obvious reasons. In mixed groups, simply quote Thomas Jefferson, since he is dead and can't be a problem.