DNC Memorandum #9

[From the office of Just-plain-citizen-convener SCREAM©]

***For those who have been on vacation or otherwise occupied this summer, the explanation for the chairman’s ID above was explained in Memorandum #8 last month. Actually, the term chairman should not have been employed in the preceding statement, but this break with current protocol was necessary for the sake of clarity. It should in no way be construed as pointing out that terms such as doctor, governor, presidential candidate, or any other expression indicating superiority, never mind its obvious existence, are meant to infer the excellence associated with the holder of the office. Actually, SCREAMER has never indicated an innate superiority and promises not to do so again.

***A word of caution is in order for those contemplating the use of the SCREAM© without express permission from this office. It has been copyrighted, and only Senator Harkin, whose excellence at screaming was exhibited at Senator Wellstone’s funeral in 2002, has permanent permission to use the SCREAM©. Before using it, all others must pass a test to see if they come close enough to excellence to accurately perform the exercise and, as per the instructions of any doctor (except maybe those in the deep-red states, where moonshine and aspirin are prescribed for everything), all such applicants should have tonsils, adenoids, vocal chords, throat-linings, and nasal passages examined to determine physical ability. The DNC – repeat – the DNC bears no responsibility for any injuries incurred, such as a ruptured spleen, in connection with employing the SCREAM©. Also, Medicare does not cover such injuries, but anyone over the age of 60 is flirting with catastrophe, anyway, in using this marvel of laryngeal performance, since Sudden Scream Syndrome could cause death to the old and the young, not that these terms are discriminatory; rather, they are simply descriptive.

***The snide-remark hotline set up in May for anyone wanting to ridicule First Lady Laura Bush vis-à-vis her comedy routine at this year’s White House Press Corps clambake in Washington has been a huge success. The contest, running through August, featured with the hotline was added to this arrangement wherein the participant whose remark or remarks are the snidest will win a trip to the Clinton Library, an autographed CD of the DEAN SCREAM®, and an opportunity to visit with Dan Rather (who is considered the snidest former anchorman ever to have existed) has been a great drawing card for response. In addition to the prizes mentioned above, a gold-plated chainsaw will be awarded to the second-place winner. CAUTION: Especially since the president is in Crawford, Texas, for the month, the temptation to ridicule chain-sawyers is practically irresistible, but do not overdo this activity, designed to win the Green vote, since most lumberjacks are democrat union members and have complained that the “elitist pencil-pushers and paper-shufflers are so dumb they believe that two-by-sixes were grown naturally, just like tomatoes, and have no idea where their pencils and paper came from” – their words on official union stationery. It’s okay, however, to ridicule the first lady for her making light of desperate housewives, since these people represent, according to the official Jesse Jackson Listing of the Mistreated, a relatively new but rapidly expanding victimhood voter-bloc. Winners will be announced in September.

***Though the NARAL ad portraying SCOTUS nominee John Roberts as the USA version of Jack the Ripper, with respect to pregnant women, has been pulled from TV for being factually incorrect, please continue to push this idea in all your meetings. Most of the people are too dumb to know anything about John Roberts, and so will believe what you say, especially if they have been exposed to the speeches of Senators Schumer and Kennedy, although Kennedy is not to be quoted since his history concerning an event involving a young woman in 1969 is sometimes recalled by old codgers in both parties. For the same reason, do not quote Senator Kennedy with respect to water torture at Guantanamo. It might be well not to quote Senator Durbin on the basis of both these matters, since Korans have not been flushed at Gitmo, and since his recent allusion comparing Gitmo to the killing fields in Pol Pot’s Cambodia reminds everyone of how badly women were treated therein, an adjunct opinion being that Durbin has spent much of his life on another planet, thus placing the party in the position of supporting idiots – very embarrassing.

***A second swing through the red states of the South is in the planning stages for early autumn. Heading for the delta of the Mississippi or any other part of the “confederate south” at this time of year would portray ignorance of how hot and muggy it is in those places (think Vermont as Paradise), such ignorance easily transmogrified to other important subjects such as how to convince the public that Senator Kerry stopped the Vietnam War all by himself. Do not – repeat – do not badmouth former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore anywhere. He is a West Point graduate and former company commander in Vietnam and has the bona fides to make a criticizer look silly, no matter anyone’s position on the Ten Commandments. Anyone having trouble eating chitlins (short for chitterlings and you don’t want to know what they are) or grits or hominy is advised to take along some Paregoric, which, if it doesn’t help, at least tastes bad enough to make one forget all other discomforts. Also, be up-to-date on the Nextel rankings, even if you don’t intend to sit for hours watching stockcars driven in circles on hot afternoons. When football season begins, be careful what you say, since people have been known in the Southeastern Conference area to kill when their team is badmouthed and are seldom prosecuted by reason of sanity enough to protect the good name of the university. Read up on the proper etiquette with respect to tail-gaiting and arrive in the parking lot of choice the night before the game with enough beer (never whiskey or wine) to accommodate half the stadium. The four-in-the-floor pickup with at least two gun racks is the vehicle of choice, and learning to handle Redman without letting it drool all over your shirt is good for quantum vote-gathering. Most baseball players can give lessons.

***Protestors will be needed throughout the country when the Roberts hearings begin after Labor Day in the Senate. Take advantage of the Roberts gaffe the other day with respect to his inferring that homemaking practiced by women is preferable to their practicing law, reminding everyone that Roberts’ wife is a lawyer and that only chauvinistic, crude, slovenly, slobs like Roberts think that women should be pregnant, barefoot, changing diapers, and always in the kitchen, not necessarily in that order. Suggested slogans for signs: ROBERTS=RUDOLPH; INEVITABLE BURKAS NEUTRALIZE NAVEL-EXPOSURE; CONSERVATIVE SCOTUS=WOMEN’S RIGHTS -DENIAL.

***As you know, previous memoranda, with the exception of Memoranda #7 and #8, have been printed in red ink to constantly remind everyone of the mortal enemy, the inhabitants of the red states. However, in deference to Senator Durbin’s courageous likening of the American troops at Guantanamo to the keepers of the Soviet (red state) Gulags, the ink this time is in black, also to indicate mourning and empathy for the patriots held at Guantanamo simply because in being part of the murdering of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 they were simply making an understandable statement. Notwithstanding Karl Rove’s recent insensitive comments, they deserve therapy, lawyers, their own mosque with rugs having Velcro linings and signs pointing to the East for prayer-time, water-resistant Korans, and a daily ration of goat-ribs and poppy seeds. For reasons of safety, however, do not – REPEAT – do not demonstrate or even make statements regarding this matter, especially south of the Mason-Dixon line.