From the office of CHAIR, DNC Memorandum #15
***It was mentioned in Memorandum 13 that some staffers at the RNC (probably teenagers or high-school dropouts or disgruntled Episcopalians – that bike-path brouhaha I won) had been making posters with an arrow pointing from a picture of me in a straitjacket to the acronym DEAN followed by the words Dementia Enured Anthropoid Neanderthal. Please be advised that the ACLU has agreed to sue the RNC in my behalf for defamation of character, and that it consulted with Ramsey Clark on his recent visit from Iraq, where he is successfully representing Saddam Hussein. Clark has already established that the American GI who rousted Saddam from his spider hole acted with malice aforethought in pointing a gun at him, did not read Saddam his Mohammad Rights, and made an insulting remark about his odor and beard, revered by Muslims as the most sacred odor and beard in the whole world, even more sacred than the beard and odor of bin Laden, despite the fact that ObL has not had a shower since November 2001. This was a brilliant move by Clark, as is his latest triumph, namely, that in a deposition he proved that the chair could not possibly be a Neanderthal – simply the wrong millennium.
***The recent “ports deal” mistakenly made by the administration has helped pumped new life into the party. Senators Schumer and Clinton have already acclaimed it to be a potential threat amounting to absolute annihilation of this country within five years. Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home fame, whose superior sagacity is unquestioned, has called for the House to impeach the president immediately and is mounting an effort to get every Lutheran in Minnesota to sign a petition to that effect. Keillor is also heading a movement to bar Baptists from the Minnesota state convention, since their fellow believers make up a large segment of voters in the red states and are known to volunteer in inordinate numbers for the military, a part of the government hated by the Chair, former president Clinton, and, of course, the DNC’s stellar friends in Saudi Arabia, Germany, and France.
***The subject of Michael Moore’s new movie, Centigrade 911, was changed from the “virtues of being illegal in Texas” to the “dangers of being unwanted in New Orleans” in order to satisfy the folks in New Orleans (all democrats) who see the influx of Mexicans willing to clean up the city impinging upon their entitlement systems, the subtle hint involving the CCC (stands for Creole Combat Cadre), a KKK-type organization said to be planning the burning of gumbo pots in areas where the intruders live. Since New Orleans Mayor Nagin’s remark about God plaguing New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina because Americans are in Iraq (but the Baptists have pointed to lurid Mardi Gras celebrations as the reason) and his insistence that N.O. be an all-African-American city, Moore’s new film is tentatively to be re-titled The Creole-Congo Connection and will feature three level-5 hurricanes, a murdered FEMA director, a hysterical governor, a total levee-break discovered by the Right Reverend Doctor Louis Farrakhan, and a three-day tribute to Bill Clinton – all during a democrat convention in the Superdome.
***All staffers and PR operatives are encouraged to put out the word that President Bush, as rumored recently by Sean Penn in Monaco, is attempting to sell at least New Orleans but all of Louisiana, if possible, back to the French. According to Penn, the French would like to have the territory but won’t consider the deal unless the Army Corps of Engineers builds levees 30-feet-tall around the whole state. The party-line is that the president pays no attention to the Constitution, does what he wants all the time, taps phones indiscriminately, makes deals with the UAE over the phone, and therefore may attempt this transaction without consulting with the Senate. This may sound too off-the-wall to consider, but it’s the perception that matters, not the facts, as any good political entity understands. Also, this will help democrat senators, who are still complaining that the party did not support them in their fight to keep Roberts and Alito off the SCOTUS. Not to be belligerent, but the Chair insists, in fairness, that Schumer’s foaming at the mouth and Feingold’s questioning that sounded like a German-Shepherd’s barking did not help. Also, none of the staffers of the committee democrats had thoroughly prepared the senators so they would appear to have knowledge of what they were discussing. It didn’t help that the senators constantly mumbled stare decisis when confronted with an answer by the nominees that they couldn’t understand.
***The staff is directed to take a low profile relative to the censure motion by Senator Feingold in Congress accusing the president of ordering illegal wiretaps. This is not to say the president was right, but it’s bad form to be negative and accusatory regarding the commander-in-chief in time of battle. The chair advised the senator against this action, but assured him that it took it for what it was, the establishment of his bona fides to make a run for the presidency in 2008, notwithstanding its continued support for Senator Biden, who has been running for 20 years, and notwithstanding its support for Senator Clinton who has three positions each on the war, the censure, and New Orleans, not necessarily in that order. Senator Durbin has been the calming voice in the Senate, but look for the republicans to remind the country of Durbin’s remarks about U.S. troops being compared to storm-troopers, gulag-keepers-torturers, and akin to Pol Pot’s keepers of the Cambodian killing fields. Do not – repeat – do NOT respond to any attacks on Durbin, since to do so prolongs the attention his remarks receive and makes the party look too wimpy to kick him around itself. Also, Senator Clinton is being urged to establish only one position on each issue and stick to it. She has denied having multiple positions on the issues and promises not to have them again.
***Impeachment remains a live issue but will be possible only if the House is won back in November. Even if it is and an impeachment is secured, there is no chance the Senate will condemn the president, as was the case with former president Clinton in 1999. The issue is important, however, since it will keep adverse publicity in operation regarding the president. About the Iraq problem: As the chair mentioned in the last memo: do not be too disheartened by the 70% voter turnout in Iraq in the recent election. Defeat in the Iraqi action is still vital to democrats – almost their only issue until Feingold’s censure move – but, failing that, emphasize that the huge segment of 30% did not vote. Do not – repeat – do NOT mention that only 42% of the entire population in this country voted in 2004.